Oh Death! I was eighteen, in senior secondary three, when my father died; figure or movement inspire

Kindly assist me proofread the following write-ups. Your idea(s) will help. Thank you.

#1 Describe a figure or movement which has provided inspiration within your own life

Oh Death! I was eighteen, in senior secondary three, when my father died; I came to realize that my mother and my immediate elder brother were the only important mortals in my life that very same day because my trusted uncles, half-brothers and half-sisters abandoned my basic needs; right to education. Mummy covered me with maternal protection and made sure that the absence of a father figure would not pose any harm or threat to me in any way. She became my mother, father, and financial source, the strong woman who pioneered our new age family. Vividly, those around us said she was weak and would be unable to care for me. She proved them all wrong.

Rather than losing hope, she conscripted on, waking up at 5 AM in preparation to go to her farmland where she cultivates two and half plots of land with rice, cassava, and maize. Finding her inner strength to go from farmland to another, even going to the coterminous town to source for seeds and labourers, which she would pay them just to make ends meet for our family. She would only come home at 7 or 8 PM on daily basis.

My immediate elder brother never abandoned me, rising very early for his daily routine business as a commercial motorcyclist popularly known as 'Okada' while studying. All of their sacrifices portend to support me. Provide shelter, food, and basic needs for me, never thinking of keeping anything from me. They thought I did not notice all of their sacrifices when indeed; I was being inspired by their actions.

Our life together has been an uphill struggle because my uncles abandoned us. My father's non-returning adventure to an unending world (death) was the best thing that could have happened to me because it showed me who my true inspiration in life should be, my mother (Mrs X) and my immediate elder brother (Mr Y). That is why I have decided that their sacrifices shall not be for naught. I will become a superior person because of their sacrifices, pushing myself to work harder than anyone else and being persistent when it comes to pursuing my education. I am their inspiration to do well in life; they are my inspiration to do better as well. Together, we inspire one another to achieve the best that our life together has to offer.

One essay at one time please

Well the essay has a really good message. While the grammar errors make it a bit difficult to read at times, it does not take away from the meaning of the essay or the sentiment you are trying to deliver. The only problem I can see, is that the paragraphs talking about your mother and brother as inspirations are quite short. As such, it feels like there is missing information in the essay. Are you sure you have shared all of the information that you can regarding how these two people inspire you? I just feel like you can say more.

For example, talk more about the self-sacrifice that your mother undergoes to support you. How does her hardship inspire you? How is the farmland currently doing? We need to show that your mother was able to succeed in tending the land that your relatives told her she could not do. In order to be a true inspiration, you need to show her success that inspired you to do well in school for her.

As for your brother, what did he sacrifice in exchange for giving you a chance to attend school? What difficulties does he faces as an Okada? Has he offered you any words of wisdom that have helped to inspire you to not take the family sacrifices for granted? It is important that you provide information that makes his sacrifices notable and truly inspiring. It should be about more than just supporting the family. Create a personal connection between the two of you that helps to push forward when you feel like you want to give up.

Then conclude by explaining how your inspirations have combined to create a movement within yourself that translates to a desire to finish college so you can help them improve their own lives as well.

Please help me review this edited essay. Thank you
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Don't bother with the computation of the bushels of rice, the reviewer is not interested in that information. It is irrelevant because it does not help to further explain why your mother is your source of inspiration. The rest of that paragraph though, is quite moving and clearly offers the image of a strong woman who is capable of inspiring her youngest son by her actions.

However, the paragraph about your brother is confusing to the reader, maybe it is because English is not your native language, or there is something missing in the translation of your thoughts from native to English. Please try to revise the whole paragraph in order to better explain what you mean by "was made of thorns in the flesh - work study" and why his work has made your family life difficult. I first thought he was an inspiration to you. The sentence structure of his paragraph, the way you wrote it at the start, seems to reflect otherwise. I am sure you did not mean that. A simple clarification / revision of the paragraph should fix that impression.

Please can you assist me restructure the essay @ Holt. Thank you

Okay. Right now, I can see a clearer picture of where this is going and what to delete to make it work better. I hope you will not be offended by my suggestion but the stronger inspirational character in your essay is your mother so we should just work on developing her background and how it looks for her and your future. I would like your essay to sound something like this:

I was in (High School Year) when my father died and everything changed in my life. In an instant, all of my financial and emotional support came crashing around me. My father, too overcome with mourning to immediately notice, did not seem too affected by the fact that my father's relatives were distancing from us as a family. It was only when they withheld their help and support for my academic financially that she finally learned what they really thought about her and her ability to support her now fatherless family.

Rather than allowing them to succeed in making her lose her confidence and maligning her abilities, she set out to prove them wrong. Working the small plot of land that was left to us by my father, she would wake up while it was still dark out and begin to till the land. She did everything to keep the farmland afloat for her family -- for me and my brother.

She did everything she could to make sure we were financially stable, even without a husband to lean on and a father to guide the children. She willingly took on those two responsibilities. Never letting her children feel that they lacked for something in any way. She was our provider, our mother, our best friend. She was our guiding hand, the person who showed us what determination and perseverance can result in for a person who sees only the road ahead to a bright future and nothing more. She is the embodiment of inspiration for her children and we will always hold her in high regard because of this.

When my father died, the expectation was that our family unit would fail and we would fall under the power and control of his more capable family members. That is not the future that my mother wanted for her children and that is not the ambition my father had for our family before he died. As his son, I will make sure that the path towards a brighter future for our family is fulfilled, because I know, my mother will be there to inspire me all the way.

Th story of your brother takes the attention away from the influence and inspiration that your mother has over you. So it would be best to not focus on him anymore. The essay becomes a stronger narrative without his story to confuse things.

A big thank you @ Holt. God bless you