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DESCRIBE YOURSELF. B CREATIVE - Trustee's Scholarship Personal Statement



qasderwdw 9 / 36  
Dec 9, 2012   #1
Hi everyone! This was the most challenging essay I had to write. EVER.
Although I am hoping that I won't need to rewrite my essay, if you tell me to, I will, because I really need that scholarship haha

I actually changed my previous essay (Kimchi Kiwi Made in China) to fit this prompt.
It would be GREAT if you could tell me:
1. What impression do you get of me? (What kind of person do you think I am?)
2. Do you think I answered the prompt?
3. Is this good writing and would it be considered appropriate for full tuition scholarship..?
4. Feel free to check grammmar and stuff!

Trustee's Scholarship Personal Statement
Describe yourself in an essay. Include plans following the completion of your education. Be creative.

Essays will be evaluated based on competence in creativity, personal expression, and clarity of thought.


When I was five years old, I left my familiar world of Kimchi, Choco Pie, and Korean candy to be thrown into a world of unpredictable happenings. Since then, I have been constantly challenged by a sequence of moving and adjusting. Such abrupt changes in environment brought confusion and fear, but it also rewarded me with a wealth of experience that molded me into who I am now.

My journey started in New Zealand. Here I was instantly exposed to a very free and wild culture. While children of my age in Korea were already memorizing the multiplication tables, I was busy playing on the trampoline and enjoying strange new dairy products. By living in a place with endless fields of grass, I had the opportunity to freely run around and enjoy the beauty of nature. I still freshly remember running in fields filled with cow dung, watching a cow give birth, and eating freshly picked fruit from trees. New Zealand's abundant flow of nature helped me to cultivate my free and creative spirit.

Receiving a call from God, our family moved to China, where I was inspired me to look beyond my narrow worldview. China showed me that not all people were fortunate enough to live under a roof. The city streets had numerous beggars- some didn't have arms or legs, while some couldn't see or hear. Seeing such people helped me to realize what destitution was, and my willingness to help disadvantaged people grew. Living in China, I also had the opportunity to follow my parents on mission trips to minority villages. I reminisce the time our family and other missionaries helped plant rice fields, renovate old buildings, or build bathrooms for villages. Although the most I did was carry some bricks or plant a few rice plants, I felt a sense of pleasure in participating in something that would bring joy to others. My experiences in China helped me to open my eyes to less privileged people, and gave me a desire to serve for those in need.

After seven years in China, I arrived at my present destination, Thailand. As a senior in high school, I have numerous leadership opportunities this year. As a leader at church and an elementary swim coach at school, I have loved the experience of teaching and serving younger students. Watching students enjoy and learn from my teaching is truly a thrilling experience. I take pleasure in listening to children talk enthusiastically about their day- they seem to wash away my worries with their innocent minds. It is my dream to become an elementary teacher who will not only teach, but also who will be a friend and companion to the students. It is possible that after completing my education, I will enter an international institution to serve missionary kids, or return to be an elementary teacher in Korea.

Being exposed to such diverse cultures and opportunities, I had a great opportunity to learn and grow. It seems as if each country was a teacher in my life- the various cultures taught me valuable lessons that I will never forget. As a prospective college student, I am excited to have the chance to share my imperfect yet meaningful experiences that challenged me to see beyond my narrow worldview. I can proudly tell my colleagues that my life as a wandering youth was definitely worth leaving my delicious Korean snacks.

Didgeridoo - / 289  
Dec 9, 2012   #2
1. What impression do you get of me? (What kind of person do you think I am?)

I get that you're "free and creative", adaptable to new situations, and compassionate.

2. Do you think I answered the prompt?

Yes

3. Is this good writing and would it be considered appropriate for full tuition scholarship..?

It needs a little fleshing out to connect the things that you're saying, but you definitely write well.

4. Feel free to check grammar and stuff!

[quote=qasderwdw]When I was five years old, I left my familiar world of Kimchi, Choco Pies , and Korean candy to be thrown into an unpredictable world(Why?) . Since then, I have been constantly challenged by a sequence of moving and adjusting. Such abrupt changes in environment brought confusion and fear, but it also rewarded me with a wealth of experience that molded me into who I am now.

(The five paragraph format is a bit anti-creative used like this. Instead of saying that changes brought confusion and fear, try opening with a story of the first time you moved and describe the experience so readers will imply those things. Also, you don't necessarily want to sum up your essay with the last sentence of this paragraph; you want the reader to keep reading.)

Good luck!
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36  
Dec 9, 2012   #3
You are SO nice :)
Your comments are very helpful
Thank you so much. I'll be reposting my essay with corrections, so I hope you can look at that one too!
linting2012 10 / 78  
Dec 13, 2012   #4
opened to ess privileged people

Less?

The essay is good. It has a very clear thought and very good personal expression. But I don't think its creative enough. But I am not a creative person so I wouldn't know how to make your essay more creative, so forgive me about that.

Good Luck in your Scholarship
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36  
Dec 13, 2012   #5
I think to make it more creative.. I would need to rewrite my essay. However, I must submit it tmrw,,,, so I dunno what to do about that.

Thank you for your comment nevertheless.
Is there a particular essay you want me to look at? :)
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36  
Dec 13, 2012   #6
Read me. Don't skip me :) Please?
I will read your essay too!
dpmg94 2 / 3  
Dec 13, 2012   #7
"like goat milk and smelly bleu cheese. " instead of using "like" I think you should use "such as" it would sound better although its basically the same thing.

"I had the opportunity to freely run around and enjoy the beauty of nature. I still freshly remember running in fields filled with cow dung, watching a cow give birth, and eating freshly picked fruit from trees." these two sentences could be combined, you could elaborate on how you enjoyed nature without starting a new sentence.

"helped me to cultivate my free spirit" remove the "to"... in the same sentence maybe use evident instead of apparent.

"It was a shock to me that the Akha people lived in crudely built bamboo huts and had bathrooms with not doors, no toilet seat, but just a hole in the ground. " rephrase the beginning of this sentence.

"to ess privileged people," you mean less?
zdv 12 / 68  
Dec 13, 2012   #8
i think the essay is not as creative as the question demands. so work on that. may be focus on certain instances that say a lot about you than writing your whole life story. To be honest, this does not catch my attention very much and i found it quite boring to read (i dont mean to be offensive). make it a little more fun or interesting by adding bits that grab one's attention.
Believefm 3 / 9  
Dec 13, 2012   #9
I think this is a really strong essay but you should describe yourself more by elaborating on your dream to teach and your passion for education in the last pargraph


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