Please help me to review this essay as I don't feel like this is inspired enough to pitch the scholarship committee.
Feedback and comments are extremely welcome.
Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?
My strong interest for development context started when I worked for Habitat for Humanity as which led me to see the real situation of XX country while I was travelling to the other cities because of my work. Basically, I grew up in CC city so only a bad transportation system, water shortage, and electricity outbreak were defined enough for me to raise as a huge problem; however, when I was managing water and sanitation project in AA city and BB city, I was witness vulnerable living situations and arduous livelihoods. Without having said that it has happened not because of people in XX country are lazy but because of having less job opportunity, unstable political situations, and unskilled labour.
Through Habitat for Humanity, I was able to travel the other countries and saw our neighborhood countries had been preparing for the future development program aligned with sustainable development goals led by the government and international aid associations. By seeing this, I had a feeling that it was time for us starting to think about our future generation so as to enhance different sectors such as public health, education, and governance in a sustainable way. Therefore, I want to be a part of this preparation; however, I don't have solid knowledge and skills in order to tackle real challenges in XX country. Based on this reason, I am highly motivated to study Master of Development Studies in Australia which is well known for a good education system in the world.
According to my research, University of Queensland and Australian National University caught my interests. The reason of choosing Master of Environmental Management and Development at Australian National University is that it equips with the theoretical understanding and practical skills on social, economic, and environmental sustainability through political context. Moreover, Master of Development Practices at University of Queensland provides interdisciplinary settings in national and international development some of which are related to my professional experience so I have a keen interest in planning for community development. Coming from XX country, which has unstable politic, the two mentioned courses will allow me to broaden my knowledge when it comes to plan for a development project in XX country.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,726 4511
Okay, you Have a good start on the explanation for why you chose the universities. You just need to expand on the explanations though. One paragraph per university. Build on the reasons through theoretical and career progression relevance. Relate the university choice to the required training for your future career advancement. Speaking of which, you failed to properly explain why you chose your proposed course at every university. Don't give a long backgrounder. Instead, offer the reviewer a forward looking response. Where do you see your career going after you complete your studies? How are your studies relevant to your immediate career plans? Define what your career goals are and why you need the additional education from each university. How does each course apply to a different career path for you? Or do the studies of either course converge at a certain point with regards to your career options? These guide questions should help you better respond to the questions posed.