doctorate degree in Computer Science - my scholarship application

Hi guys,

As part of my scholarship application, I wrote this personal statement and I need help editting it. Any help is very appreciated. Here is the instruction: "This personal statement should be a narrative statement describing how you have achieved your current goals. It should not be a mere listing of facts. It should include information about your education, practical experience, special interests, and career plans. Describe any significant factors that have influenced your educational or professional development. Comment on the number of years of practical experience already completed in the field in which academic work will be done in the U.S. Do not mention specific U.S. universities at which you would like to study."

And my Personal Statement:

My decision to pursue doctorate degree in Computer Science develops from my growing interests in Information Technology (IT) ever since my first self-taught graphic application in C during high school. Four year undergraduate study at Monash University has brought to me vast amount of knowledge in this field, and more importantly a new level of interest: doing research in IT. And I believe that further study/research is the best way to advance myself in this field and to contribute better for my country.

I believed myself that if I work hard, I would achieve something exceptional, and it is true up until now. I worked hard during high school, and I got the fourth prize in Chemistry National Olympiad, and then secured a scholarship to study in Australia. During undergraduate, I studied hard, and participated in various extracurricular activities, I accomplished the course with the prestigious Monash International scholarship For Excellence and first class honours award.

My undergraduate study has benefited from Monash University 's strong academic environment. Monash University did not only provide comprehensive understanding of the core concepts of the study field, but also steer students towards a self-learning but sharing attitude, and towards Monash's "Ancora Imparo" spirit, meaning "I am still learning". Furthermore, Monash's strong research environment, especially in IT, gave students chances to access research projects very early in their undergraduate degree. I challenged myself in two projects offered during my first, and second year, both related to visualization. Since then computer science research started appealing me. One more research project during second year summer within Monash summer vacation scholarship confirmed that I was on the right track.

Although I found myself in IT research from my early years in University, my specific area of interest only started to have its shape at the end of third year. It was when Professor David Abramson initiated a collaborative research program between Monash University and University of California, San Diego (UCSD). Being curious about the program, I met him for a possible research topic. I was not particularly excited in any topic offered by UCSD 's mentors so I asked for other topics. Coincidently, at that time, his laboratory was working with Leica Microsystems- one of the biggest microscope manufacturers - in a big project to automatically control a microscope using workflow technologies, and Professor Abramson was looking for someone working on the visualization part of the project. There were several stages in this project from acquiring images, processing, storing them in databases, and then displaying them on an Optiportal tiled display wall and the vacant position is mostly related to Optiportal. I was fascinated about it right after The Optiportal was being introduced to me the first time, as visualization was always my favourite. Essentially, an Optiportal is a visualisation cluster consisting of multiple LCDs arranged in a spatially contiguous matrix empowered by a computer cluster. The whole cluster offers a much bigger resolution display, and much more powerful computing environment than ordinary computers. Furthermore, with a fast Internet connection, Optiportal could be deployed as a collaboration station, supporting both high definition videos teleconferencing and sharing large visualization datasets. Realising the potentials of the Optiportal in supporting sciences, there are more Optiportal being built around the world. I further discovered that visualization in Optiportal was a completely new topic in Vietnam despite of its practicality. Having thought that Optiportal would be very useful in supporting Vietnamese science community, plus the fact that I was completely aroused by Optiportal and its potentials, I agreed to join the project, spending two months in UCSD and another year in my honours project doing research as part of the project with the dream to build the first Optiportal for Vietnam.

After graduation, with the first class honours degree, there were many possibilities as a software engineer for me but the dream about an Optiportal for Vietnam was still burning inside me. I contacted a young professor in one of the best Technology University in Vietnam to ask about possibilities to make my dream come true. He agreed with me about the Optiportal's practicality but also advised me to pursue further study, I then considered the doctorate degree a milestone in achieving my dream and started seeking for doctoral scholarship.

Upon completing my PhD, I aim to work in a university in Vietnam as a lecturer and a researcher. I aspire to work at Hanoi University of Technology, the best university in computer science, where I could fulfil my ambition to build the first Optiportal for Vietnam and to lead a research group specialising in Optiportal visualization. Once I was young, I was inspired by many brilliant initiatives, one day I want to become one of them and inspire youngsters to put their passion into computer science research.

Thanks again :D.

Yeah, nice to know you. I also guess you took a time in HUT where I spent 5 years.

Countable nouns such as amounts should be in correct use--and this very error you have made ('vast amount' I believe) does not contribute much.

Also, to refer to 2 disparate things, it is inadvisable that you use a slash. Slashes do not make your post feel any better, but rather it brings about defects.

Tense conflicts are visible: "I believed myself that if I work hard, I would..." This sentence demonstrates your belief to be erstwhile--and should it be, while you say that it proves true until now?

Grammatical errors, however, are not likely to be penalized, as your post only possesses little. Nevertheless, it is worthwhile that we seek more meaningful and relevant writing.

The first irrelevance is that in your second paragraph, you have inadvertently listed some of the facts about your achievements. This rather proves that you have not a correct, heedful understanding about the instruction, which is not quite acceptable.

Also, as your post flows, it is very exciting at first. Yes, at first. But then you dry out. There to say, in the last impression, you have not accomplished the goal of tempting listeners and readers to uphold their interests in your very work. Your essay feels kind of weary at the last point, and missing something, too. The contents feel a little unsound...

I must caution you to be more relevant and interest-rousing. What I would like to advise you to do is to expose yourself, your study, your environment, your achievements to reality. Say how they utterly apply to your life, how they particularly inspire your personality, how they make you a useful, yet not boring person, so on and so forth. Such reality-related details should embody your personality, for I think if you do look for a scholarship, the admission officers, especially in the USA, give at least 50% of the marks for the ones who make them feel inspired, aroused, interested, tempted, and most of all, energized.

Okay, that's what I have got so far, and I really, really hope that our country gets your news soon.

What you have achieved is really impressive, but I'd like to hear more about how Optiportal will help Vietnam, you could write some of your imagination, to make it more inspiring.