'easier to go down a hill than up' - academic, career, and personal goals.

Hey!

I am submitting this essay with a scholarship application.
(In 500 words (maximum) describe your academic, career and personal goals. Include any leadership, extracurricular, and volunteer activities that support your application).
How does this look?
Any comments or suggestions?
Thanks for your help!

Sarah

My Journey to Success: Getting the Ball Rolling
If you don't know where you're going, how do you expect to get there? A goal without a plan is simply a wish. The most important step in any accomplishment is setting a goal. This helps you keep your mind focused on your goal and off obstacles that will arise when you're striving to do your best. When you do hit an obstacle it's important to use it as a stepping stone towards your goal. If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.

Studies have shown that students who set goals for themselves are likely to complete their college education. My academic goal is to complete my Master's Degree in Business Management by 2014 and receive my diploma. It sounds cliché however I have been working extremely hard on pursuing my studies and my diploma will be my personal trophy of achievement. I want to be prepared for employment in the business world.

My professional goal is to climb the corporate ladder after I receive my degree. Currently I am employed at 4 part time occupations. It is challenging and tiring. I work for Curtis High School as an assistant teacher, another program where I assist immigrants with English, at CSI as a note-taker for students with disabilities, and for the technology department at CSI. My current jobs lean towards the educational field. It opened my eyes to how much I love teaching. I love the rewarding feeling of returning home knowing that I taught a child something valuable. I take math notes for a student who is hard of hearing. I met him today an hour before his test to study with him and ensure he does well. That is not included in my note-taking job; I simply enjoy guiding others regardless of a paycheck. I am considering obtaining a minor in Education.

My personal goal is to establish a relationship with my family. I'm so busy with work and school that I do not give my family any attention. As a result, I am extremely distant with my mother to the point where we don't even speak. I try to be close with my younger brothers. If a have a free hour I will try to go bike riding with them or something fun. I attend counseling sessions (which CSI provides) to help me with my personal goal. I am learning techniques to help me with my situation. By the end of this year I hope to be reunited with my mother.

CSI has helped me become a life-long learner, professionally and personally.CSI is involved with me accomplishing any goals that I have, whether it's personal or academic. Goals are the road maps that guide you to your future. Achieving your goals may be difficult but remember it's easier to go down a hill than up, but the best view is from the top.

I like the personal information you've offered... that's what the essay prompt seems to be looking for and you seem to have plenty of personal achievements to play up. The first paragraph seems like it's just taking up space.

"If you don't know where you're going, how do you expect to get there? A goal without a plan is simply a wish. The most important step in any accomplishment is setting a goal. This helps you keep your mind focused on your goal and off obstacles that will arise when you're striving to do your best. When you do hit an obstacle it's important to use it as a stepping stone towards your goal. If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."

This essay is about you-- so it might be a better idea to cut back on the abstract "you."

That doesn't mean you can't stick with your theme. Just consider keeping the focus on yourself.
Goals are the road maps thatwhat guide youme to yourmy future. Achieving yourmy goals may be difficult but I know I can accomplish anything.Remember It's easier to go down a hill than up, but the best view is from the top.

Also:
"It sounds cliché however I have been working extremely hard on pursuing my studies and my diploma will be my personal trophy of achievement" Don't put yourself down. You're selling yourself, so you don't need to degrade yourself regarding how cliché you feel your sentiments sound.

Actually, I would leave out the information regarding your relationship with your mother and your ongoing counseling sessions. I just do not believe it is pertinent to the prompt. Personal goals should still be in regards to education, work etc. For example, "A personal goal of mine is to become more outgoing and open to new situations. I plan to achieve this personal goal through my ongoing education and future work by... blah blah blah."

Also, I would speak about how your extracurricular, education and work experience has or will contribute to further successes.

Good luck :)

Paige: Thank you for your advice! It's been a while since I've written a paper!
Marie: Thank you for your honesty! I wasn't sure exactly what a personal goal meant, I understand now.

This is hard because I need to keep it under 500 words ahh...thank you both very much for your input I'm going to fix it up now..