I don't really know about how to express 2 subjects and my feeling within 2-3 paragraphs, I think I skip the beginning and conclusion, so I really want to know if it's okay without those two important parts. I have just lived in the U.S for 2 years so please tell me everything I should fix because my English is not so great.
Write a short essay describing in 2-3 paragraphs a significant leadership experience in high school and your educational goals after high school
I was born and raised in Vietnam, a small, crowded country in Asia. I remembered myself when I was a child: a little boy who loved Mathematics and wanted to be an Engineer or an Architect since I didn't know the difference between them, as long as they had Math in it. I am fascinated by how everything around us works properly and how humans can control the power of nature. I used to read a special page about science and technology that was only published every Sunday on a newspaper my father usually bought, and opened my little mind through those innovations, inventions, predictions, or even ideas, such as an asteroid might hit the Earth in 2036, 3D Printing, Robotics... After reading a piece of information, I have a dozen more questions to ask. The curiosity of a boy about some new technologies or mysteries that couldn't be solved by scientists was growing in my mind during my childhood. Physics becomes my favorite subject, because it's so close to the reality, I can have so many explanations for those simple things are right around us. And then the electric power impresses me the most: a power can be created by humans, one of the most important inventions that significantly change our life, and has limitless applications, so the demand and the potential of this power are also limitless. Therefore I found a direction that I can put my heart into: becoming an Electrical Engineer to innovate the electric power more and more, make it safer and more efficient, and from that basement, the humanity technology will be improved and more mystery will have the answer in the future.
The time of two years living in the United States, the land of opportunity, encourages my dream even more. My first step is obtaining Bachelor of Electrical Engineering degree to have the overall view of what I am going to work on in the future. My goal is designing a system that can minimize the power loss or even recycle the power itself. My insane idea is based on the 1st Newton Law. Besides, an eco-friendly house system is something I have thought of. I hope to work with some talent people who share the same dream of me to develop a complete "Smart House" system that can make us feel more comfortable, convenient, and even closer to the nature right inside the house. To me, protecting and improving the environment will be the top priority. I am fascinated by the solar power system, and I hope to help bringing it to every corner around the world.
Throughout the journey of learning, I have hardly-ever been considered a perfect leader who can make all the decision easily, but my teachers often give me a position a little lower than that because I am someone who the team can lean on. The leadership experience I have learnt the most is a position during my freshman year. In Vietnam, we have a different educational system that we all study the same subjects in a class of 40 people in the average. My teacher was one of the best teacher at the school, and she wanted all of us to follow a system of rule just like a company. I was the only male of 12 people she appointed. My responsibility was aligning class before and after school or the school break, assigning and supervising classmates to clean up the class every day and clean up the class backyard every week, leading the school events, and keeping the class in order during class time. I tried to be a good role model for my classmates to follow, such as coming to class early to organize the desks, being the last person leaves the class after checking everything, and actively taking part in school events. It was hard to order my friends sometimes, so I tried to be fair to everyone, rarely made decisions using my own opinion, and at the same time, I tried to be friendly to all of them. I really enjoyed the moment of my class was called for getting the first rank over 23 classes over the week, and It usually happened. That year was a successful year for all of us, because we saw our efforts were rewarded. It taught me how to be responsible for myself and how to gain the others' trust. I was so proud of being a part of our achievement.
Hi Nhat, first of all, WELCME to EssayForum!
We are one website that you can turn to when it comes to your writing needs, we are backed by several contributors that has nothing to ask but your appreciation to our work, our help and our guidance. Just a reminder though, what we provide are suggestions toward the revision of your essay with the hope to enhance it, make it better and be ready for submission.
Going back to your essay, I must say, it is well written, the points such as grammar, sentence construction and minor details through out the realization of your goals. I believe there is still a long way to go and with determination, passion for the craft and the desire to foster change in the field, you will get to where you need to be.
Overall, the essay is still subject to criticism from the educators but I can assure you with your 2 years experience in an English speaking country, you are doing a lot better than most of the people who come to conquer the US, believe me English speakers can barely write a comprehensive essay, so good work and keep writing.
I will try to give your several sentence choices.
I was born and raised in Vietnam which is one of a small crowded country located in Asia. When I was little, some people considered me as a little boy who interested mathematics and had the desire to be an Enginer or Architect. I really wanted to know everything related this world especially how humans can control the power of nature.
I tried to read a special research regarding science and technology which was published every Sunday on a newspaper .
@justivy03 Thank you so much for you feedback! I feel so great about myself right now. It took me a lot of time during this Spring break, and I am still worried about it. I told my friends my writing was like a kid because of the limited choices of word. I am trying my best right now with the hope to receive some scholarships to help my on my long way.
@Yusri31 Thank you so much! I will try to make it smoother. May you please look at my essay one more time and help me fix some sentences that I definitely need to fix? I don't think I can re write all the essay.
HI Nhat, thank you for appreciating our wok here on EF, we look forward to hearing and reading more from you. Now, the intentions of the essays that we right, is to let our readers know that we are here, willing to take the challenge to better ourselves and continue learning.
This essay of yours is still to be revised in a way that it can be better but don't worry about it too much, there's actually not much to change, the words you choose, although not that strong, they're also not weak, what I want to say is that, a reader can easily comprehend with your essay, the idea is plain and simple, pretty much what you read is what the writer intend for you to understand.
For future writing reference, however, mind the transition of the ideas, the paragraphs has to have a flow that is smooth and will have a focus in each paragraph, the introduction, the body as well as the conclusion of the essay should be in their proper and not to be all over of the place, this construction has been observed in the essay that you wrote, so good job on that.
Keep writing Nhat, it will help you get better at writing and in exercising the English language.
Thank you @justivy03 ! because the number of paragraphs is limited, so I couldn't do well on the introduction or the conclusion. I think they should say the limit of number of words rather than paragraphs. I think I am going to write a couple other essays for other scholarships, so I will look forward to receiving your feedback, too. Thank you, once again!
Hi Nhat, well indeed it will be helpful if there is a clear guideline to the number of words, paragraphs, etc., and this is true on a normal IELTS or TOEFL and all other essays to be fair, however, this is an important and rather more formal essay.
Also, I must reiterate that the purpose of this essay is mainly to get to know you, not only on the academic aspect but more so how you are and how you've become as a person. This is why the details of the essay is very important. well, if the introduction will not be revised to such extent, no worries about that, again what we do here on EF is merely a suggestion with the hopes to better your essay.
Nhat, it is definitely a good idea to write a few more essays to other institutions who offer the field of expertise you want to pursue, this will not only increase your chances of gaining the scholarship program, it will also boost your confidence in gaining respect towards your writing.
I hope this helps.
