Epog program; I understand the need of education in reaching my ultimate goals

Hey guys! How are you? Can you help me with my SoP? this is a letter for scholarship to erasmus mundus program ! i will be happy if you show me my mistakes and comment an essay! thank you ! p.s. english is not my first language and that is why i am afraid of making a lot of mistakes

An intellectual rigor

Being a citizen of developing country made me aware of inequalities and development challenges from a young age. As any developing country , Kazakhstan has a big complex of a social-economical problems that directly reflects to people`s lives. The highest rate of corruption, low service of medicine and insurance , unsatisfied level of education , terrorism -this is an ugly portrait of almost than 50 countries of the world , including my motherland .Instead of living under one blue sky,people from different parts of the world faces different challenges. Living in such conditions inspired me for seeking for a ways of creating a better future for my kids . As a result , I found it very important and interesting to study and analyze factors, which directly needs to be improved in countries to reach goals in economics and social sphere. My desire to choose `State and Local Administration` as a major of my undergraduate degree was to obtain the necessary academic tools .

My undergraduate degree taught at the Eurasian National University after L.N.Gumiylev in Astana , helped me to understand the co-relation between the international processes and global most affected problems. But ,I believe that to achieve in-depth knowledge I must combine my theoretical knowledge with practice. I was participating at more than 50 governmental events and forums during my studies in case to gain some skills in private and public sector ,and to work in economical areas. The most important are Astana Economical Forum , Asian Development Bank Forum , the UN press-conference for the media about the problems in Middle East , `Bolashak` forum ,Meeting with the France Ambassador , Meeting with Russian Minister of Foreign Affairs .Also , I volunteered a lot at local and non-govermental organizations.

As Michelle Obama once said ` Education is a key to success in 21st century` I understand the need of education In reaching my ultimate goals. That is why I am applying to EPOG program.

As my passion and interest lays in development studies , I truly believe that choosing Option C will be the best decision . Option C is combined with other 2 options,which I also found very important and useful .The most important thing , is an opportunity to study one semester at Witts University in Africa. As I have mentioned above, practice combining with theories is powerful weapon . Living some time in a place that faces big challenges in terms of poverty and inequalities is a brilliant environment to gain inspiration and knowledge.

Studying with people,sharing one idea, is the greates way to generate a new ones. Also, meeting with the program ALUMNI is interesting in case of learning and discussing job opportunities .

I have no doubt that EPOG program will meet the criteria of intellectual rigor that I have set for myself and my education in case of doing success in my future and help not to only my country,which economy is now going through a difficult times, but also others.

Being a citizen of a developing country (...) challenges maybe put in the words "around me" right here, it just flows better from a young age.

... complex of a delete a social-economical problems that directly reflects to people`s lives. TheA highest rate of corruption, (...) portrait of almostmore than 50 countries of ...

... conditions inspired me for - change to "to" seekingfor a ways of creating a better ...
..., which directly needs to be improved in (...) economics andthe social sphere.
My desire to choose (...) was to obtain the necessary academic tools .
This sentence is good but doesn't flow that well? I would re-write it as "This led me to choose State and Local Administration as my major in order to obtain the necessary academic tools.

Dina, if you cannot further develop the quote from Michelle Obama, then it is best if you do not use it at all in the essay. It is misplaced in the overall format and does not really tie in smoothly with the rest of the essay that you wrote. It is just a single sentence that does not really play a supporting role in the essay so instead of using the quote, it would be better if you just allow the essay to fall into place the way that it does, in a smooth manner, when the quote is not there. In the closing remarks of your essay, you have to make reference to how the education you will receive will help you to better approach the problems that your country has. To be more specific, you should come up with a specific problem to focus on resolving through this masters education that you will be receiving. Right now, there is a lack of focus on the specific problem that you want to address through your studies. If you can present the problem and relate it to the education that you will be receiving and how these will all tie together upon your return your country, then the essay will become more informative and possibly stand out from the other essays in the roster of applicants.

@Holt
thanks for your comment! it was really helpful! what do you thin about this version? whill be waiting for your answer
Being a citizen of a developing country made me aware of inequalities and development challenges around me from a young age. As any developing country , Kazakhstan has a big complex of a social-economical problems that directly reflect to people`s lives. A highest rate of corruption, low service of medicine and insurance , unsatisfied level of education , terrorism -this is an ugly portrait of almost more than 50 countries of the world , including my motherland .Instead of living under one blue sky,people from different parts of the world faces different challenges. Living in such conditions inspired me to seek ways of creating a better future for my kids . As a result , I found it very important and interesting to study and analyze factors, which directly need to be improved in countries to reach goals in economics and the social sphere. This led me to choose `State and Local Administration` as a major of my undergraduate degree in order to obtain necessary academic tools.

My undergraduate degree taught at the Eurasian National University ...

Education is a key to success in 21st century` and I understand the need of education in reaching my ultimate goals. That is why I am applying to EPOG program.

As my passion and interest lays in development studies , I truly believe that choosing Option C, will be the best decision. Option C bring a chance to focus on specific areas, which I am really interested in. Also, EPOG program provides students with a chance to study one semester at Witts University in Africa. Studying in a place, that faces a big challenges in terms of poverty and inequalities is the greatest environment to inspire and deepen knowledge. Nonetheless, studying with people, sharing one idea, is a brilliant way to generate new ones.

As a rich country, which has a lot of resources and minerals , it is strange that Kazakhstan`s economy today is going through difficult times . Falling prices of oil totally hit our economy, which now still can not recovery .Consequently, the quality of life are getting worse. Devaluation and inflation left citizens into trouble. The main problem is dependence on oil export. Unfortunately, in 25 years of independence no one could make a way of solving this problem. I strongly know that country needs a new generation of high quality specialists with fresh ideas in case of making a new policy and recovery economy. I have no doubt that EPOG program will meet the criteria of intellectual rigor that I have set for myself and my education in case of doing success in my future , and will equip me with necessary environment to fulfill my potential and sharpen skills to make a meaningful contribution to the development of my country.

Dina, this is a better version of your essay. But it still needs improvement in some portions. For example, when you discuss your related activities, you mentioned that you do a lot of work with government and non government agencies. As with any professional application, it is important that you offer examples of these activities by presenting the name of the organization and the activity that you participated in. If possible, present a description of what your participation was along with the years that you completed these activities.

This also applies to the meetings that you had with the French and Russian ambassadors. Give a description of what these meetings were about and what the resolutions arrived at were. If you cannot discuss these matters further because your participation was not that important or really just so minimal that you practically just fetched coffee for the actual participants, do not use those as references in the essay. We need to create an impact in the essay and that can only be done by letting the reviewer know that you participated in integral roles within activities requiring the presence of these highly important people.

The sentence about the importance of education is an unnecessary addition to the essay that should not be standing alone in that area of the essay. You can retain that line if you combine it with the Option C paragraph. Truth be told though, not including it in the essay will not matter. Just like the Michelle Obama quote, the reference is of no importance and does not move your essay forward by adding more important information to the text. The rest of the essay is already acceptable at this point.

@Holt

Being a citizen of a developing country made me aware ...

My undergraduate degree taught at the Eurasian National University after L.N.Gumiylev in Astana , helped me to understand the co-relation between the international processes and global most affected problems. But ,I believe that to achieve in-depth knowledge I must combine my theoretical knowledge with practice. I was participating at more than 50 governmental events and forums during my studies in case to gain some skills in private and public sector ,and to work in economical areas. The most important are Astana Economical Forum , Asian Development Bank Forum ,`Bolashak` forum. During my undergraduate degree I was responsible for a project called `Political Issues in developing countries` . Doing this project gave me a chance to have a discussion with Russian Minister of Foreign Affairs Sergei Dmitrievich Lavrov during his work trip to Astana, Kazakhstan. The success of this project was noticed by a government , so I was the only one undergraduate student to participate in `the UN press-conference for the media about problems in Middle East` which held in Astana, Kazakhstan. Also, I volunteered a lot in a local and non-governmental organizations.

My studies and experience made me be passioned about developing studies and economics. So , now I am applying for EPOG program. As my passion and interest lays in development studies , I truly believe that choosing Option C, will be the best decision. Option C bring a chance to focus on specific areas, which I am really interested in. Also, EPOG program provides students with a chance to study one semester at Witts University in Africa. Studying in a place, that faces a big challenges in terms of poverty and inequalities is the greatest environment to inspire and deepen knowledge. Nonetheless, studying with people, sharing one idea, is a brilliant way to generate new ones.

As a rich country, which has a lot of resources ...

what about this??

Remove the reference to your participation in activities of government and non-government agencies. These are not amply supported in your essay and will only serve to weaken what should be a highly impressive paragraph / credentials that you are offering. When you cannot properly develop a supporting piece of data or platform for your list of noticeable accomplishments, it is best to just not mention it at all. The idea is to keep your essay strong and informative. Removing less than stellar information such as the government agencies you worked with will not be noticed in this instance as there are more interesting and high profile information supplied from your end. That said, the essay will be in its final form and ready to use once you have removed the portion that I am suggesting. I assure you, the essay will be fine and you don't need to repost it here with the removed reference for final approval from me. I am telling you now, the essay will work to your benefit once it is formatted in the manner I am suggesting.

@Holt
thank you so ssssoooooooooooooooo much!!!!!! :=)