My experience that have elicited the most of my personal growth

the impulse to make a next step

My passion towards science and the curiosity to reason scientific elements of life served the impetus for me to achieve my goals. It was purely my interest and dedication that kept me going, coping up with both academics and my inquisitive mind. My research in the field of biotechnology is the most eliciting aspect of my life. Three years ago, I underwent the most important phase of my personal growth. I realized that mortality is inevitable but the loss of a person which could have been evaded is even more painful. It was when my grandfather died of an asymptomatic heart attack. He dropped dead, while being completely normal. This incident kindled and instigated my passion. My impetuous passion drove me to find a solution to this deadly health disorder. Every day, nearly 45% of heart attacks are asymptomatic. It's even more saddening to learn that doctors are helpless to this unusual medical condition. My instinct emphasized my responsibility that I have. This is when I started thinking for the wellbeing of people around me. With nearly two years of perseverance, I indeed accomplished a breakthrough in my clinical research. My project investigated a novel concept that could potentially allow patients to detect silent heart attacks by non-invasively sensing the FABP3 biomarker in the bloodstream through transcutaneous blood analysis. This invention of mine sowed the seeds of innovation and creative thinking deep within myself. I hope the world around me gets better with science.

Akash, this is a highly interesting and informative scholarship statement. However, I am not sure if you can use the full content as a response to the scholarship discussion presented. Would it be possible for you to share the full scholarship statement that you are responding to in this thread? It would help me to analyze the more important aspects of this essay that needs to be further developed, which portions can be removed, and also, allow me to decide whether the statement response you developed fully responds to the required discussion. Don't get me wrong, you wrote a wonderful essay. I just want to be sure that it is the best that it can possible be prior to your submission. We need to make sure it will be different from the other scholarship applicant essays.

Hello. It's for Yale Young Global Scholars Program

Akash, if you will just remove the first two sentences of your statement response, you will end up with a more relevant response to the essay. While the essay remains highly academic in presentation, it does represent your personal growth through a highly influential event in your life. That can be considered a serious factor that could have helped to shape the person that you have become. The hopes and dreams that you discuss are not selfish. Rather, it presents a selfless personality that hopes to help change the world through health improvements in a particular field of medical science. It is a unique essay that presents a less than common response to a prompt that could have been taken for granted in the way a response is written. Make the correction I suggested and then submit this essay with your other documents. It should work perfectly well for your purpose.