The concrete bench felt cold on my skin as I laid on my back; staring at the sky, almost grey, concealed with heavy clouds from one horizon to the other. It was the fourth day; Vipassana day. I felt a strong urge to follow the rules; I hadn't heard my own voice for three whole days. I was gradually getting accustomed to the daily routine and the eerie silence, but still could not apprehend the technique which was supposed to transform me into a new person. I felt few drops of rain on my face, looking around, everybody waiting hesitantly for the door to open. As the bell rang, I walked the same hollow stairs into the dimmed hall where my blue cushion untouched, the way I had left an hour ago, was waiting for me. I quietly sat down, legs crossed and eyes closed.
The Vipassana instructor's voice started echoing through the hall, giving us direction and walking us through the meditation. "Don't feel anything. Don't think anything. Only feel the sensation on your body, don't crave if the feeling gives you pleasure. Don't avert if it is painful. Keep feeling, Keep concentrating from your head to your toe and back." I start to take long breaths and concentrate on his voice, but my mind started drifting away, reminiscing the past.
I am back in a town called Kent, where I used to spend my lazy summer afternoon gathering all my friends and pretending to be a standup comedian and performing skits in my show known as 'The Stupid Show', making everybody laugh. I was President of the "Girl Scout," that I had formed with the girls in our neighborhood. We would organize 'Talent Shows' for our parents. I started feeling warm in my stomach, and I smiled big. I remembered I wasn't supposed to react to my feelings.
I started concentrating on my toes again, moving down towards my ankle; I tried not to feel anything. Too late, flashback appears, I am on the ledge of a bridge 160 m above ground, the whole world stops, I question myself "Should I jump?" or "Should I step back?" I jump without thinking, realizing a second later; I jumped the way the Bungee Instructor emphasized not how to jump. I am screaming on top of my lungs, Make it stop!! Finally, after being tossed around like pizza dough, it was over. That moment of relief, comprehending I had survived, gave me more to look forward in life. Usually, by the end of the flashback, I am petrified, but today I felt strong. My ankles tingled from within my flesh. As I moved upwards, more tingles started flowing, on my calves, knees and thighs. I felt the flow of tingles deepening towards every part I was concentrating.
I am in Ninth grade proud to be representing my school for a speech competition in a national forum. My speech was about two pages long and I knew it word by word. I was anxious and panicking before my name was called. I start great, and as I am halfway through the speech, I freeze completely. I mumble few words, excuse myself and return back to the audience. I never mentioned this failure to anyone, probably because I am too embarrassed I failed. But I felt proud today. My whole body sensed the tingles flow like lightening, shooting on my face; my chin, my cheeks, my nose, eyes until it reached the top of my head where it exploded like fireworks.
Never can I describe how blissful I felt at that moment. The years of repressed emotion deepened inside me came out in forms of tingles until the point where these events that were part of me or scarred me wouldn't make any more difference. I had not reached enlightenment like Buddha, for I knew it would take me million of tries. But a new spark ignited, I was ready for a new beginning. I haven't been the same old person from that point onwards.
The Vipassana instructor's voice started echoing through the hall, giving us direction and walking us through the meditation. "Don't feel anything. Don't think anything. Only feel the sensation on your body, don't crave if the feeling gives you pleasure. Don't avert if it is painful. Keep feeling, Keep concentrating from your head to your toe and back." I start to take long breaths and concentrate on his voice, but my mind started drifting away, reminiscing the past.
I am back in a town called Kent, where I used to spend my lazy summer afternoon gathering all my friends and pretending to be a standup comedian and performing skits in my show known as 'The Stupid Show', making everybody laugh. I was President of the "Girl Scout," that I had formed with the girls in our neighborhood. We would organize 'Talent Shows' for our parents. I started feeling warm in my stomach, and I smiled big. I remembered I wasn't supposed to react to my feelings.
I started concentrating on my toes again, moving down towards my ankle; I tried not to feel anything. Too late, flashback appears, I am on the ledge of a bridge 160 m above ground, the whole world stops, I question myself "Should I jump?" or "Should I step back?" I jump without thinking, realizing a second later; I jumped the way the Bungee Instructor emphasized not how to jump. I am screaming on top of my lungs, Make it stop!! Finally, after being tossed around like pizza dough, it was over. That moment of relief, comprehending I had survived, gave me more to look forward in life. Usually, by the end of the flashback, I am petrified, but today I felt strong. My ankles tingled from within my flesh. As I moved upwards, more tingles started flowing, on my calves, knees and thighs. I felt the flow of tingles deepening towards every part I was concentrating.
I am in Ninth grade proud to be representing my school for a speech competition in a national forum. My speech was about two pages long and I knew it word by word. I was anxious and panicking before my name was called. I start great, and as I am halfway through the speech, I freeze completely. I mumble few words, excuse myself and return back to the audience. I never mentioned this failure to anyone, probably because I am too embarrassed I failed. But I felt proud today. My whole body sensed the tingles flow like lightening, shooting on my face; my chin, my cheeks, my nose, eyes until it reached the top of my head where it exploded like fireworks.
Never can I describe how blissful I felt at that moment. The years of repressed emotion deepened inside me came out in forms of tingles until the point where these events that were part of me or scarred me wouldn't make any more difference. I had not reached enlightenment like Buddha, for I knew it would take me million of tries. But a new spark ignited, I was ready for a new beginning. I haven't been the same old person from that point onwards.
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