Hi Everyone! I cannot believe that I found this website or that it even exists. Great job!
I am applying for a scholarship that is very important to me and is not based on financial need. So the essay is a make-or-break deal. One of the questions is:
"Why did you choose sonography as a career?" in 250 words or less.
This is what I wrote:
"I arrived in the United Stated in August of 2005. In my country, Romania, I was studying economics-information systems to my father's desire. Arrived here I finally felt like the choice of my own career belonged to me. Health-care was my passion and the opportunity had finally arrived for me to make my own decision.
My first job in the United Stated was as an Anesthesia technician at Brackenridge/Children Hospital of Austin, job that gave me ample opportunity to research and observe the majority of health-care careers. It was the job that validated that being a health-care professional was who I was, but I still needed to decide which one was the right one. In my search for my future career I received input from every health-care professionals that I ever met about the positives and draw-backs of their own career.
The final input came from my brother-in-law, cardiologist, that introduced me to the field of echocardiography. He showed me echo pictures and attempted to explain what they represented and what they meant. I remember very distinctly that I had no idea what he was talking about since I barely knew any human anatomy, let alone any terms that described disease processes. That is when I knew that I too wanted to know what he knows. Words like "diastolic dysfunction" and "dilated cardiomyopathy" are no longer foreign to me, and I could not be happier. "
There are 243 words. Any input is welcomed.
Arriving here, I finally felt like the choice of my own career belonged to me. Health-care was my passion and the opportunity had finally come for me to make my own decision.
---I wouldn't use the word "arrive" again so soon.---
My first job in the United States was as an Anesthesia technician at Brackenridge/Children Hospital of Austin.It was a job that gave me ample opportunity to research and observe the majority of health-care careers.
In my search for my future career I received input from every health-care professionalthat I ever met about the positive and negative aspects of their ownwork.
---Again, I wouln't use the word "career" again so soon.--- (heh, heh get it?...nvm...)
The final input came from my brother-in-law, a cardiologist, which introduced me to the field of echocardiography.
Overall good job in showing your ample work experience and story. One thing that could be just a matter of taste is that you might want to talk more about what you like about sonography specifically. You spend alot of time talking about how you got to the point where you decided to get into your chosen field but not explicitely why.
As it stands it looks like the only reason you want to go into sonography is because you wish you could understand the big words your brother was saying to you. There are big words thrown around in many scientific professions so why choose this one?
You could talk about how sonography allows you to connect with the patients more by giving them a visual that they can understand for what is happening inside them. This can be comforting as most people going to the hospital don't really understand all the technicalities of what their doctors are talking about. A picture, however, can be of great comfort and understanding for patients. (I don't know, maybe you wont be showing the patients their echo pictures but just try to come up with something more specific for why you chose this field. Good luck!)
Gautama,
Thank you for your input. Not only you are correct in your suggestion, but I actually do show my patients their heart and explain to them as much as I can, to their understanding, as I believe that the more one knows about their body, the easier it is for them to take care of it. And visuals always help.
The reason why I didn't conceive my essay like that to begin with was because I was not sure about the time line. Why I like what I am doing now was not necessarly part of my initial decision as I wasn't aware of all this at the very beginning. I got to this point by going through a process of learning and understanding.
I understand from your input that it is ok to talk about why I like what I am doing, and not just the process leading to my decision.
Thanks again
F.P.
Some more fixes for you:
"I was studying economics-information systems according to my father's desire"
"My first job in the United States was as an Anesthesia technician at Brackenridge/Children Hospital of Austin, a job that gave me ample opportunity to research and observe the majority of health-care careers." "The majority of" isn't right here. Perhaps "a wide range of" would be better?
"It was theThis job that validated that beingmy decision to become a health-care professional was who I was , but I still needed to decide which one was the right one."
And Tyler's advice is excellent as always. You should definitely talk more about your desire to go into sonography specifically, as well as why you developed a passion for health care instead of just how you pursued this passion. Good luck
In my country Romania, I had been studying...
I remember very distinctly that I had no idea what he was talking about. since I barely knew any human anatomy, let alone any terms that described disease processes . That was when I knew that I too wanted to understand medical terminology and disease processes -- know what he knows words like "diastolic dysfunction" and "dilated cardiomyopathy." These concepts are no longer foreign to me, and I could not be happier.
How about starting the essay with a sentence that grabs the attention. Your current first sentence is not exciting, not engaging to a reader.
As you make changes based on this feedback, be careful not to let the life drain out of the essay; sometimes too much revision makes an essay rigid. Perhaps you can shorten the first paragraph, strike out the material I crossed out (above) and use that extra room to describe the way that this school's SPECIFIC resources will make a difference for your particular process... so that you, in turn, can make a difference in your unique career. Let the admissions person feel that s/he is contributing to society by awarding you this scholarship.
Easier said than done!!
I hope you have great luck with this scholarship!
:)
Thanks guys. I'm working on it based on feedback and will come back with a better version. Now, when I read my original version, it seems so... cheesy. But 250 words is really not that much.
Here it is! A different version, somewhat different than the first one. Please tell me this is better... so much work for just 250 words..
"A pictures is worth a thousands words". We all have heard this many times, but never was it more real for me than after I started studying echocardiography.
I came to the United States as a new immigrant in 2005. In my home country, Romania, I was studying Information Systems according to my father's desire. Once arrived on the "land of opportunities", I felt like the choice of my own career belonged to me.
My first job in the United States was as an Anesthesia Technician. It introduced me to the world of health-care and gave me ample opportunity to research a wide range of health-care careers. One day I came across the field of Echocardiography. I was astounded as well as mesmerized by the technology and the sight of a human heart. I had glanced at human hearts before, during open-heart surgeries, but this was different. Not only was it quick and non-invasive, but every single patient had the opportunity to see their own heart. And most importantly, it was something that I could do without being a surgeon. I could not think of a better method to make a patient more aware of their own anatomy than by attaching a visual image to their own heart, in the hope that they could relate more to it, and consequently, take better care of it.
Since my first encounter with echocardiography, I have seen hundreds of patients and I can confidently say that my initial instinct about how images can inspire patients, were true.
I came to the United States as a n new immigrant in 2005. In my home country, Romania, I was studying Information Systems according to my father's desire. Once arrived on the "land of opportunities", I felt like the choice of my own career belonged to me.
Briliant! That is great...
My first job in the United States was as an Anesthesia Technician. It introduced me to the world of health-care and gave me ample opportunity to research a wide range of health-care careers. One day I came across the field of Echocardiography. I was astounded as well a s and entranced by the technology and the sight of a human heart.
...initial instinct about how images can inspire patients, were true. (Oh... it ends kind of abruptly. Can you muster up one more, very powerful sentence at the end? )
