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Food Science - Why are these knowledge and skills important to your country's development?

irndyhayw 1 / -  
Feb 23, 2024   #1
hi everyone. can you please give me a feedback about my short paragraph below?

Manaaki New Zealand Scholarship

Data from the Indonesian Basic Health Research (RISKESDAS) between 2010 and 2018 highlights a significant rise in overweight and obesity rates across age groups: from 9.2% to 20% among 5 to 12-year-olds, 1.9% to 14.8% among adolescents aged 13 to 18 years, and 21.7% to 35.4% among adults and youths over 18 years old. Obesity poses risks for various non-communicable diseases like diabetes mellitus, heart disease, and cancer, contributing to economic losses due to the expenses of treating related comorbidities. Nutrition illiteracy exacerbates the issue, leading to the preference for taste over nutritional value, particularly with the widespread availability of sugary products. Establishing a healthier food market with affordable prices can mitigate these challenges. Therefore, pursuing studies in Food Science in New Zealand is essential to equip me with the skills needed to develop functional foods, which is crucial for addressing these issues in the coming years and improving overall health while reducing food insecurity in Indonesia.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,797 4780  
Feb 25, 2024   #2
The data that you present covers information relevant to your country. Therefore, the main thought of the reviewer will be that you should be studying the course in your home country instead of in New Zealand. You have to level your response in terms of coverage. If the problem exists in your country, how will studying in New Zealand help you solve the problem? How will the knowledge and skills you gain in New Zealand be applicable to ending the obesity struggle in your home country? That is barely addressed in the current presentation. You have not really justified your choice to study in New Zealand. Consider a more personal insight to achieve that purpose rather than a heavily researched based explanation as you have now.

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