GKS 2020 essay for master's degree of business management

Hi, friend. I am dizzy. if you have free time, can you help me correct and judge my essay if it is appropriate for the next GKS program, please !!!

best regards Dizzy nindy
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Motivations with which you apply for this program

o Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

The most motivation i applied GKS program is my self. it starts when I was in junior high school, I always wondered to study overseas because I want to see what`s happened outside and I wanna make a change in my environment. So I decided to start with changing my mindset about global trying to open my eyes about how wide the world is . basically I have compared my country with other couties to see what difference is. When I have little ideas to make a change or improve something in my closest place, and always start to inform and motivate my dearest friends about how far outside, with that my friends step to step had changed their traditional (close) mindset to more open it more. When I am in senior high I wanted to learn about how most people think of starting a business, most of them say they don't know how to do it and they just want to be employees. With that, I decided to learn about how to create a start-up business. First, take accounting as my undergraduate study, and plan to take international business management for my master's degree. So for that reason, I decide to apply for a GKS program, which can help me a lot to in making changes in the future for the start-up business mindset in my area and also to establish relationships with people abroad.

This year, I have graduated from my home university. I have a plan to get a new overseas experience. I spent a lot of time searching and learning about the scholarships. Finally, I choose GKS, because of GKS one of scholarship related to my future purpose. First, as a graduate in accounting. I have learned about how important leadership in life, with good and healthy leadership that I believe can affect the environment. To improve the leadership I decide to take international business management as my future master's degree. That purpose i think similar to GKS's purpose that "develop global leaders". Second, I have learned about how important to make relation from one place to another in life, especially in business. In my experience I had visited "kampung inggris" or "English village" in pare where I met many new friends throughout Indonesia from east to west Indonesia. With that, I have established relationships with at least 60 people that I have never met. After finishing the program at "kampung inggris" I wonder how important it has a lot of relation. And I think that relates to GKS purpose.

The reason I chose Korea for my future master's degree is because:
1.Korea is one of the countries in Asia that has had a tremendous success as a business country.
2.Korean language has a good quality education program.
3.Korea is one of the countries most related to my goals and the majority of my business. Because if I study in Korea I can study and see how to start an industrial business in Korea. Korea has many successful business industries that other countries do not have, such as the fashion business, entertainment business to super business companies like Samsung, Hyundai, etc..

Actually, you used wrong tenses in some sentences. It starts -> It started, I always wonder -> I wonder, what's happened -> what's happening, wanna -> want to (you can not use abbreviation words in any essays), ... please doublecheck to make sure you use the correct tense.

thank you for the response

You did not read the prompt requirements did you? I can safely say that because nothing in your presentation relates to the expected information. You are going to be applying for a scholarship program where notable professionals from other countries, people of respected and important company or corporate positions will be applying based on their professional business education requirements. Then here you come, applying as if you are trying to get admission to a local community college. It is by far, one of the most unqualified GKS applications I have read here.

The most obvious conclusion that the reviewer will come to is that you do not have any professional background nor appropriate undergraduate experience in relation to the course of your choice. You have not shown any actual interest in progressing your professional status via the additional education. You have not shown any research skills either in relation to the GKS program. You are severely under qualified for this program and you will not get past the first round of considerations.

If you want to improve this, then read the prompts, make sure you approach this from a professional standpoint. Stop sounding like a self-centered, privileged person who thinks she is is entitled to the scholarship just because she wants it. Yes, that is the image that comes across in this writing. It is not qualified for the application. It will result in heartache for you.

To gain a chance you have to:

- Show a professional background that will explain why you have an interest in the course you have chosen to study
- Explain how your interest in Korea developed, basing it mostly on the accomplishments of Korea in your related field of expertise.
- Depict your skills as a researcher. What was your undergraduate thesis? If you did not have a thesis, then what sort of activities did you have which will prove that you are capable of doing academic research?

- Enumerate the ways by which you have pursued higher education in this field or training through seminars, internships, or other skills related programs

These are only some of the topics that should be found in your new essay. You cannot revise the current essay because, like i previously said, it is not going to be useful in any sort of way in relation to the highly competitive GKS application process.

@Holt
Thank you very much for your advice. I will rewrite my essay & post it soon.
God bless you all👍