studying Anthropology in South Korea
Hi! I am just wondering what is missing or too wordy in my essay. I tried to follow the format as best as I can. Any feedback is much appreciated!
Foreign cultures and society have been my ultimate passion since I was a kid. I start it in a unique way. I remember I would use my mother's skincare bottles and imagined each bottle as a "person", just like how little kids function their Barbie or action figures, then brings to travel these persons to the rooms in the house which I perceived these rooms as "countries". For instance, I will bring the bottles to my parents' bedroom and name the bedroom as "India". Then I imagined my bottles having an Indian lifestyle; eating flatbread, wearing traditional Indian dress and having a red dot on the forehead. Then I would bring them to travel to the other rooms that I remember I called them England, Brazil, Japan, and the United States. Not a typical thing a little kid usually do.
My childhood activity has grown my interest to the point of my life where I can finally able to study about my passion for real, the moment I decide to pursue a Bachelor's degree in International Relations. Among all of the courses I had, Cultural Diplomacy is my personal favorite course, consisted of lesson plans that demonstrates culture phenomena as a political action and inspired me to reevaluate my perception of cultural events as significant milestones in human relations. My passion then brings me abroad, one of them to South Korea in 2016 for a culture exchange program initiated by the Asia-Pacific Multicultural Understanding Network organization. The frequent interactions I had with Korean people during my visit develop my interest in their society. I collected notable insights I had there such as when I found out that Busan and Seoul residents speak in different Korean dialect, the Busan Indonesia Center founded on the basis of love by a Korean man towards Indonesia and a former Korean expat in Indonesia whom I met in Seoul Station who genuinely told me a story about his past life in Indonesia. After I left South Korea, my curiosity and interest retain until now as I like to watch documentaries and short videos on Youtube about life in South Korea and as a South Korean in general, particularly on the subject of contemporary issues that South Korean is facing. This has made me realize that I love learning about humans of South Korea. For this reason, the Global Korea Scholarship program is perfect for me as the program offers one year of studying the Korean language, a significant tool that will help me to interact with Korean people as the instrument of my future research in my study.
Apart from that, I thought about how to apply my passion into something that the world needs. At first, I always thought to accomplish that I could become a writer who writes about the life of a foreign ethnic group just like that. Until one day after a long search, I found out that my passion for learning human and its culture has a study called anthropology, precisely cultural anthropology, which means I could not write about an ethnic group 'just like that'. Then I remember about the final report I wrote during my internship in the Indonesian Embassy in Algeria where I expressly reported about how Algerian people live in my observation throughout my stay. The information I got is not limited to my observation only but also from my conversation I had particularly with Algerian youths, middle-aged Algerians, Indonesian expats in Algeria and Algeria-born Indonesian kids. Having their perspective and transfer it into my final report has satisfied the ambassador, and thus satisfied myself too. This experience makes me certain that I want to become a researcher in anthropology studies.
I choose South Korea for its outstanding reputation in research and development as I am planning to develop my skill as a researcher. What awes me is that all Korean universities have its research institute in every department and study, not only limited to natural sciences major; a feature that is barely available in Indonesian universities. This proves that South Korea is a research-friendly country and I believe that studying in South Korea will shape me in becoming a highly-skilled researcher. Considering this fact and my interest in learning further about Korean people, therefore, I would like to pursue my graduate studies in South Korea studying Anthropology.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 You totally missed the mark on several points in this essay. It is unfortunate that you approached this essay with a college level outlook and presentation. The masters degree application is far more complicated in presentation. Your essay does not fit at all with the requirements of the prompt. I am not sure if you actually read what the prompts were, otherwise you would have known that the focus of your discussion needs to be on the professional side representing:
- A professional motivation related to the course chose. That means, you need to assess your career up to the present time and explain why you believe that you need to study this masters course at this point.
- Your previous education should show that you have accomplishments that make you worthy of such an important scholarship. This must be presented alongside the development of your interest in Korea.
- Your reasons for studying in Korea must relate to the accomplishments of Korea in your field of interest or professional capacity.
- You must present an ability to represent your interest in research and graduate studies. You cannot tell the reviewer that you want to study in Korea because you want to become a researcher. You should at least show that you have the foundation for some type of research. That is the worst reason for wanting to study in Korea.
Do yourself a favor, read the prompt requirements very carefully this time. Approach writing the revised essay with a seriousness that is lacking in this presentation. Do not take the application lightly. Be serious. Consider all the mature aspects of your application. This one has a childish tone to it that will not help it get past the review process.
