Hi everyone, I'm planning to apply for the Global Korea Scholarship next year and would appreciate it if you can help critique my personal statement.
GLOBAL KOREA SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION ESSAY
Coming from a third-world background where getting to further my education in a well-developed country where I will have an international experience and exposure is not affordable due to the financial constraints of my sponsors, I am delighted that the Global Korean Scholarship (GKS) would make achieving this big dream seamless and provide the opportunity to experience what I have always wanted to do in the field of Engineering. I like a competitive environment because it will help me be the best version of myself by fostering the innate creativity and innovation within me. Hence, studying in Korea would afford me this privilege.
A couple of years ago, while I was interning as an undergraduate student in an automobile company
where I worked mainly on cars and learned how to identify and fix mechanical faults in them, I was given a car to diagnose by my supervisor. Of course, I took up the task diligently and enthusiastically, though I was a bit nervous initially because it was his first time delegating that kind of a work to me purposefully. I diagnosed the car and got fault codes which I analysed based on my knowledge and experience with car scanning. The car I worked on was a Toyota Camry. After analysing and interpreting the fault codes, I discovered that one of the car sensors was bad and I had to solve the problem by changing the sensor which was causing the car's dashboard to display a malfunction indication light. It was the oxygen sensor that got bad and I took a spanner to remove and fix it. Igniting the car engine again, the previously indicated light on the dashboard went off and the car fault was gone. My supervisor was stunningly impressed. Afterwards, I realised that I could tackle and solve more Engineering related problems once the principles and the operation of it are well understood. I was happy that I solved the problem even without any supervision.
Solving a problem through troubleshooting has been something I love doing and have always derived joy in providing solutions to mechanical problems.
During my undergraduate study, I took many courses in Engineering and they have helped to structure my thinking, refine my approach and improve my problem solving skills. I found courses like Automotive Engineering, Thermodynamics, and Fluid Mechanics useful during my internship program at the automobile company. I can remember trying to relate what I learned in my Automotive Engineering classes with what I was doing practically during the period of training and since then, I have begun to appreciate Engineering the more because it is real to me and craftily practical. Without a doubt, I know there is still more for me to learn as the field of Mechanical Engineering is concerned, and going for a graduate study is a good avenue to meet this goal and help achieve my dream of providing solutions to many problems in the Engineering field.
In conclusion, apart from the fact that diligence and hard work, filial piety, and humbleness are
characteristics respected and expressed by Koreans, Korea has one of the highest literacy rates in the world. I have a flair for learning more about different cultures of the world especially the exceptionally unique Korean culture. It will help me see the world in a more balanced view and will broaden my paradigm about nations and people. I look forward to learning about the language, dressing, meals, celebrations, marriage, family structure and other core values of Korea experientially
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,531 3446
I am really disappointed with your essay. It not the kind that a GKS reviewer will even finish reading. You have not responded at all to the information requirements of the presentation. You were given a set of instructions to respond to in an essay format. Even with the guide questions, you failed to deliver the required information for this written interview. There is no real motivation, no educational background, no interest in Korea based on their automotive accomplishments (Hyundai, Kia, etc.), no forward thinking career goals in relation to your chosen course, and no reference to your research skills or interest in research. Nothing. This essay does not deliver on any required point of information and interest for the reviewer. I cannot even begin to tell you how to fix the essay because there is no currently existing information that I might be able to use. Do yourself a favor, review the prompt. Respond to the discussion instructions in an outline form first. That way you can compare the instruction with your written response. That is the only way that you will be able to create an essay that delivers the oral interview requirements. After you have responded to every aspect, then remove the questions and combine the paragraphs into a fluid essay. Just add transition or connecting sentences where needed to create a smooth read for the reviewer.