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QUESTBRIDGE SHORT ANSWERS - My proudest achievement

almegutierrez 1 / -  
Sep 9, 2019   #1
Hi! This is my first time using this and I wish to get some feedback in what I wrote for my Questbridge application. English is not my first language, and I have struggled writing this. The prompt is: Tell us about one of your proudest achievements or moments and what it says about you.

It has a 200 word limit and my answer is EXACTLY 200 words. I have a problem with over writing and this was definitely a challenge. I would likesome feedback if possible.

"Ala de Oro"

It was my freshman year at the new school I transferred to, and I asked myself why it didn't have a newspaper. For a split second, I thought it was actually plausible for me to create one, but then I remembered I was a nobody. I wasn't wrong, it was the middle of the year and I had managed to stay incognito for most of my classmates. Estranged. Inconspicuous. Voiceless. To me, the dream of creating an outlet for students' expressions was how I coped with the fact that my own voice was being disregarded. In the spur of the moment, I proposed the idea to the school board and they accepted it, and even recruited an editorial staff for me. I was given a two-month deadline, and after several sleepless nights, due to my nonexistent knowledge in editing programs, the job was done.

The agglomeration of events, opinions, and memories from 2016 I named "Ala de Oro" became my greatest achievement. Everyone loved it, I became recognized, even popular. The success of the online newspaper reflects my leadership skills, my ability to work under a time constraint, my willingness to learn new things, and my mindfulness towards my peers.
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Sep 9, 2019   #2
Hi there. I'm here to assist you in your writing endeavors. I hope that you find this feedback to be helpful in the long-run. Don't hesitate to approach us for more inquiry on the essay.

First and foremost, the essay is already well-composed. My only concerns would be the initial parts of the essay wherein you were quite unclear about the direction of where the essay was headed to. Notice how the first sentences required that you initiate what the readers' expectations should be throughout the writing. Because you had an indistinguishable approach in these first portions, I would recommend that you focus on creating a bold thesis statement that would accompany the rest of your writing.

While it was great that you were able to incorporate a lot of personified details that include how you had felt in the duration that you had been accompanied throughout this, it would be rather beneficial if you could try to stick to a more formal approach when retelling the story.

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