I have implemented change and reform in the biggest student organization in Indonesia

Managing Change (AAS Essay)

In 2013, which was my third year studying medicines, I was chosen to lead one of the biggest student organization in Indonesia, as a Vice President. Hence, I had to manage thousands of members from 17 different medical schools and responsible on human resources and project management. The organization was focusing on supporting the accomplishment of Millennium Development Goals (MDGs).

The first thing my team and I did was analyzing problems and potentials the organization had. We found that the main issue of our projects was the lack of impacts to community. Therefore, as person in charge, I decided to reform the projects from mostly short-term project into more sustainable and impactful one, in the form of community development.

In the beginning, it was a challenge to influence and change members' mindset to stop making short-term project and start developing a community. Moreover, the idea of community development was quite strange for most medical students. To deal with the problem, I formulated a national-based training to gather all universities' representatives.

It was an online training since the universities were far apart. A national guideline book was also made as supporting tool to learn the fundamental of community development and direct universities to set up a project. I found it was an effective method to provide knowledge and skills to university delegates and encourage them to organize similar training locally. As a result, local trainings were made promptly by emphasizing intersectoral collaborations. Within months, members were ready to involve in communities. We planned to develop at least 10 communities in the first year.

It was succeeded and was a pleasure to realize that the organization had been reformed. Nowadays, there are up to 23 communities across the country being developed by collaboration with social faculties, governmental, and non-governmental organizations. Keeping up with the global issues, the focus shifts from MDGs to SDGs.

Watch out for small mistakes in your essay that can compromise its overall quality. For instance, your first sentence had quite a confusing structure because of its lack of direction. What I would suggest is that you try to construct simpler sentences to evade small mistakes.

Let's look at your first paragraph and apply this simple technique. What I can do is rewrite this as:
It was 2013 when I was chosen to be the Vice President of one of the biggest student organizations in Indonesia. I was in my third year studying medicine. I managed thousands of members for 17 different medical schools, shouldering responsibilities for human resources and project management. The organization focused on supporting the accomplishment of the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs).

Notice how I had done a number of things here.
1. Reduced the number of commas used in the first sentence through rearranging the format to create a clearer structure
2. Divided into different clusters of sentences areas to ensure that the essay pulls through
3. Separated the portion wherein you mentioned about your responsibilities and your management skills with a comma to create more delineation and flow in content
4. Ensured that the verbs used in the text all follow a single pattern of tenses to be clearer for academic standards

You can implement these techniques for all throughout your essay.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to be wary of your verb tenses. I noticed that it was one of the most common mistakes that you had all throughout your essay.

If we take a look at your last paragraph, we can revise the first line as:
It was a success; and it was a pleasure to witness the organization reform.

What I had done is try to create more concrete sentences through bridging together incoherent portions of your text. If you can grasp doing this more, you'll be able to minimize mistakes that you have. Ultimately, simplification of text requires time and effort. Just keep rereading and double-checking your grammar books.

Best of luck.