KGSP: Motivations with which you apply for this program - Why South Korea? Psychology.

Hello everybody! I would really appreciate the feedback on my answer to the prompt

"Motivations with which you apply for this program".

However, I DO NOT NEED feedback on the grammar, ONLY the ideas. Sorry, if it sounds aggressive, I just want to know your opinion about the context of my words)

I have been interested in South Korea since I first discovered k-pop in 2015, but I quickly realized that it is so much more than just its music industry. I learned that South Korea is the country with a rich and unique culture, delicious cuisine, and the world's most developed technologies. Many of the foreign bloggers that live there praise South Korea for its standard of living starting from the affordable health care system to the advanced transportation system. I admire South Korea for the emphasis it puts on people's freedom and their safety. South Korea has one of the lowest crime rates in the world, and while listening to the stories of people who live in South Korea, I was astonished many times by how respectable its citizens are. Therefore, I choose to study in South Korea because I know that I will always feel safe and comfortable there.

South Korea is home to one of the best universities in the world and is known for its highly competitive education system. Therefore, I am applying at the top universities in South Korea which accept only the most accomplished students in South Korea. I believe that it will be a perfect opportunity for me because I strive in such an environment due to my highly competitive personality. I draw inspiration from my peers and being surrounded by the best students in the country will undoubtedly boost my motivation. Furthermore, the number of international students in the country is increasing rapidly, and I cannot wait to be a part of South Korea's diverse student body where I will be able to befriend people from all around the world.

My biggest passion is the science of psychology. In the future, I want to work with children in the sphere of education in order to ensure that future generations will grow up in a healthy academic environment. However, to achieve my goal, I need a world-class education, and I believe that Global Korean Scholarship is the perfect opportunity for me to not only study in the country of my dreams but to also get the education at one of the best universities in the world without worrying about financial difficulties. Moreover, I am sure that I will be able to make the most out of this opportunity.

AND then I wrote about my extracurricular activities, accomplishments, skills I learned and so on! Does it look good?

Ditch the second paragraph altogether. Work instead on presenting 2 facets of motivation, the social and the educational. You have the social down pat. The educational, should have you discussing how South Korean psychologists have inspired you to become one yourself. Give a short version of how your interest in the course developed first. Then explain how your interest in South Korean society led to your discovery of their advanced psychological field. Show the reviewer that you are familiar with South Korean psychological methods and then explain why you believe that learning these in an actual school setting will help set you apart from your peers at home. That should help create a better and more relevant motivation discussion for your essay.