KGSP scholarship application essay
Hey, I applying for the KGSP scholarship for foreigners who want to obtain their Masters in South Korea, here is the prompt:
o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea
Here is my essay:
I grew up outside of Los Angeles - where my childhood was difficult. I was in and out of foster care and struggled in obtaining a stable economic and familial upbringing. Throughout my life, I always managed to focus on my academics because I saw education as an opportunity to better my future. I knew from my disadvantaged experiences growing up, that social welfare was my calling because I wanted to advocate for marginalized and underprivileged populations - especially those who do not have the privilege to attend college and pursue their dreams.
When I left for college at the University of California, Santa Cruz - I decided to major in Sociology because I wanted to better understand the intricacies of our society. However, I felt increasing feelings of loneliness and isolation in an environment where I could not relate to the many of the students who came from secure economic and strong familial backgrounds. I channeled these feelings into hard work. I obtained a 3.8 GPA and interned throughout my fours years, and received the Gabriel Zimmerman Award for Social Justice. While my academic and professional accomplishments were incredibly validating, I still left lingering feelings of emptiness. I began to work part-time at the local (and only) Korean restaurant in my college town. Through the close relationships with my Korean co-workers, I felt very accepted and began to fall in love with Korean culture. I quickly decided to study abroad in South Korea, as I felt a pull towards the country. It was my 7 months living in Sinchon, where I truly became enamoured with Korea. The cultural aspects of collectivism truly resonates in every fiber of Korean culture -from calling my friends "sister/언니" and "brother/오빠" to all the wonderful memories of going out to cafes and restaurants as a group. As a girl from a broken home, I had never felt such strong feelings of family and togetherness.
After I came back from studying abroad at Yonsei for 7 months, I felt invigorated and worked hard towards my goals to help and advocate for underprivileged populations. I began a 6 month internship with Eden Housing, a low-income housing company for individuals and families who live below the state poverty line. I worked to secure services for our residents by collaborating partnerships with our organization and other nonprofit and government agencies throughout Santa Cruz and Monterey Counties. I made strong connections with many of our residents while doing so. I often spent time working in Marina, California - where a very small but lively Korean population exists. Being the only employee who could speak a semblance of Korean, I made close ties with the elderly Korean individuals who lived in our properties. I sometimes helped to host bingo nights and potluck dinners for our residents in Marina. I always went out of my way to make the 할머니들 (grandmas) and 할아버지들 (grandpas)- who were shy about their English - feel especially welcomed, just as I felt so incredibly welcomed by their culture.
Living, studying, and embracing Korean culture truly changed my perspective on the meaning of friendship, family, and society. I love America, but I can only help but to sometimes feel frustrated by the engulfing pressure of individualistic western culture. As a sociologist, I believe that that unity and acceptance between individuals is imperative to a progressing society. How can we go about curing social ills when we are too far separated from our own people? I look to South Korea's deep rooted values of collectivism as a model of influence when aspiring make social change. Therefore, I would like to pursue my graduate studies in South Korea studying Social Welfare. I hope to be an ambassador of social progress who takes into account the different paradigms and perspectives of individuals across various background, in order to work towards a harmonious environment for all.
Please let me know if this essay is proper and answers the prompt, or is confusing in any way!Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Keelyanne, there are only two points that I feel you need to attend to in order to finalize this essay. The first, is the removal of the Hangul characters from your English character essay. That way you do not confuse the reader by the sudden appearance of the Hangul characters in the essay. Based on the requirements of the KGSP scholarship, you can either write this essay fully in Hangul or, you should write it solely in English. Since it is obvious that you are just trying to make an impression on the reviewer by using pidgin Korean, you will be doing harm to your application as you will not be appropriately highlighting your Hangul skills. Like I said, you have two choices, either go pure Hangul or pure English. I would go with the latter since you will be required to study Hangul for a full year before you are even admitted into the formal program anyway.
Next, no matter how difficult your life is in the U.S. you should never demean your mother country in any essay application. Specially in an essay meant for such a close ally of the United States on all fronts. The paragraph that contains that line can be edited to remove the downgrading reference to the United States but retain the "As a sociologist" statement as that is more interesting to read and really helps to close the essay on a strong note. I am only suggesting that you remove the demeaning statement towards the USA in the essay but you do not have to follow that advice if you don't want to. After all, this is your essay and it should appropriately represent your voice and sentiments.
