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KGSP personal statement essay - management and leadership

Kakakaka 1 / 1  
Feb 26, 2019   #1
Hi! I'm applying for KGSP scholarship. I would be really greatful if you helped me to improve my essay. Thank you in advance!

o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experiencein relation to the KGSP
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

my candidacy FOR kgsp

Dear Selection Committee,
The fact that I, being a senior student of a linguistic faculty with sensitive nature, eager to change my major and to immerse myself into an absolutely different world of analytics, statistics and stiff competition might seem quite perplexing at first. Nevertheless, I will try to substantiate my views and willingness.

Eight years of sports, namely aerobic gymnastics, inculcated me discipline, purposefulness, and ability to work in a team, which in the future helped me to cope with stressful situations. I also developed immunity to failures and defeats. As a third-year student, I applied for the student exchange program Work & Travel USA, but I did not take part in it due to the refusal of a visa. For me, this was not a reason for disappointment, but on the contrary, it motivated me to work even more and search for new opportunities for self-development. Being an active student, I took part in the International Francophonie Festival in association with L'Alliance Fran├žaise as an actress in the Samuel Beckett`s play "That Time". It was an invaluable experience that helped me to overcome my fear of public speaking, as well as develop such useful qualities as eloquence and self-confidence. In addition, holding the post of head of the group for 4 years, I acquired the skills of organizing and leadership, and participation in university charity fairs greatly helped to evoke my active citizenship.

From the 1st year of university, I began doing a side job in an educational agency, which provides assistance to future students with admission to foreign universities, as well as assistance with adaptation to the realities of the country where they are going to study. I met many representatives of the universities from different countries, including Canada and the UK, therefore gaining useful experience related to interpersonal skills, communication, and marketing as one of my aims was to "sell" the university to the clients. Observing the work of the company, I concluded that a harmonious symbiosis of business and education could be an excellent opportunity for both students, opening new horizons and development prospects for them, and for host universities, which thus create an open-minded multicultural student community and attract additional investment. Since this company provides services only in Europe, North and South Americas, I have been pondering for about two years that in the future I want to create a place that will provide an opportunity for students from different parts of the world to receive education in the countries of the Asia-Pacific region such as China, Korea, and Japan. This might become a unique product in the education market, and also contribute to the spread and popularization of Asian culture, and Korean one in particular.

My choice fell on Korea for several reasons. And, the foremost one is the pace of development of the Korean economy, as well as the availability of favorable conditions for running a small business. South Korea is one of the few countries that in the minimum amount of time has managed to build a powerful state thanks to a competent management policy combined with the diligence and perseverance of its citizens, which is very appealing to me. Moreover, the close cooperation of Korean universities with universities in other Asian countries will provide me with an excellent opportunity to study all the advantages and disadvantages of the Asian educational space in order to promote Asia in other countries more effectively. Currently, I am attending Korean language classes and preparing to take the TOPIK exam in April.

While assisting at foreign education exhibitions, I noticed that I lack marketing skills, and I also lack knowledge in business planning and strategies that I can acquire through the KGSP program. In addition, this very program will help me to enhance my management and leadership skills, which are vital parts in leading a successful business. One of the missions of this program is to strengthen the spread of Korean language education. Thus, I strongly believe that my candidacy might become a great contribution to fulfilling this mission.

Holt - / 7,546 2001  
Feb 28, 2019   #2
Kateryna, the essay is very wordy. It says a lot of things. It informs the reviewer about information. However, it is not information that responds to the discussion requirements. That is why I cannot approve of this essay for your use with your application.

There is a lack of clarity when it comes to your presentation. Are we discussing a total career change here? If so, then why? What was your original career? What motivated you to consider a change? How does the new career relate, if ever, to your previous work experience or college course? I am not clear on the career progression that your academic background or professional experience offers once you complete your chosen course?

What is your educational background? What accomplishments did you have a student that might indicate you can complete the course? Your research background is not even referenced in this essay. That is a point that needs to be highlighted as a masters course student is required to complete a tremendous amount of research work to complete the course. By the way, the reviewer requires your professional background, not part time work experience. Change that information to add the regular (related) work experience to help the essay come closer to the prompt requirements.

Your reason for studying in Korea is uniform. That means, it is a reason cited by every student applying for this course. That has to be unique and something personal to you. It should tie in with the motivation to study this masters course in Korea. The strength of your essay though, lies in the fact that you are studying Korean and are planning on taking the TOPIK test. Build on that. Explain how your interest in Korea developed basing it on your opinion about the closely knit educational system in Korea. These can be the supporting factors for your motivation and reasons for study. Clarify your essay based on the prompt requirements. Right now, it just leaves the reader wondering about what all of this information means in relation to the prompt requirements.

The reviewer does not need a long, wordy essay. He needs an essay focused on delivering the discussion information as provided to you in the application form. Stay on track with the discussion and make sure you clearly state all the information. The reviewer doesn't have the time to analyze your meaning or intent through all of the information you are presenting.
afaf_93 2 / 5  
Feb 28, 2019   #3
Your opening paragraph is very confusing, you should clarify more and include your educational background.
Hope it helps
Good luck and keep editing ^^
OP Kakakaka 1 / 1  
Feb 28, 2019   #4
Thank you very much for your detailed review, I really appreciate it!

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