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My last chance to study abroad in my life: Scholarship essays (Future, Study plans)

jinikimin 1 / -  
Apr 16, 2015   #1
Hello everyone
This is my French Government Scholarship essays. There are two essays: Future plan, Study plan. There's no specific form for the essay (Free style essay). Only one condition is that I cannot write more than three pages each essay.

I have reviewed myself numbers of times but as a non-native English speaker, it is pretty hard which parts I made mistakes.
I think this is my last chance to study abroad in my life. Any suggestion or correction would be a great great help for me.

Thank you so much!!

<Future Plan>

These days the world is confronted with the most severe and unprecedented refugee issues. The role of international organizations addressing this issue is increasingly indispensable because refugees are under unusual circumstances that prevent their own countries from protecting them. While I was studying Economics in 2010, I participated in a meeting at United Nations University in Japan with a visiting lecturer, a specialist at UN refugee agency (UNHCR) headquarters, and it inspired me to have a great interest in refugee issues. Along with the Economics study, I took a number of other field courses such as International Law and International Organization Law in order to consider how to solve the refugee issue in a humanitarian way. After my graduation, I had the chance to gain the experience of UNHCR Representation in the Republic of Korea as a fund raising campaigner. This experience inspired my future goal, to participate in the field of the improvement of refugees living conditions. I have witnessed many people saddened and shocked by the fact that there are around 50 millions of refugees, Internally displaced people and stateless people are living in the world today who lost their lives all of a sudden. Many Koreans I met on the street during the campaign believed that just as Korea overcame extreme hardships after the Korean war, refugees will make a successful comeback one day with assistances.

After completing my Master's degree in International Development, I plan to get involved in a project which cultivates people to resolve refugee problems. I want to improve the recognition of refugees, especially youth, develop and support the higher education program with institutions and enterprises, and stimulate vocational education in order to expand the role of youth refugees.

There are a great number of small-scale Non Profit Organizations running the multiple projects simultaneously. Each projects requires its administrative procedure and that has been constantly pointed out as a complexity and overlapping international aids problem. When it comes to the refugee issues, under the urgent and special environmental conditions, the problem is magnified. I'd like to build an organization network to make a group of NPOs where sporadic projects operate in order to reduce inefficiency of project performance and create a synergy effect.

It is, indeed, a great loss if we just abandon young refugees as redundant labor forces due to the situation they under, although they have potentialities. While organizations in refugee camps take care of basic living essentials for children and women and provide fundamental education, supporting and higher education programs for youth are relatively insufficient. If we make the best use of those who are young and talented, we can chase two targets at once; developing human resources and creating jobs. Therefore, I have a long-term goal to build a specialized education organization for youth refugees by cooperating with the high-quality human resources from NPOs' network.

For a successful business development, I need the most advanced and appropriate technical knowledge that leads me to understand the field precisely, and makes me able to develop, implement and evaluate the program effectively through the excellent education. I believe that the outstanding practical courses XXXXX offers gives me the opportunity to acquire what I need the most. I, also, need human networks throughout the field work. Building human networks with specialists of international development sector which XXXXX has turned out, and interacting with as many as other peers who have the same goal as me is a very important task during my studies.

After graduating, I want to work at local office of UNHCR as a short-term goal. I believe that my 2 years of military service experience: joint field training with the US armed forces in Korea, building a temporary training camps, eliminating potential risk factors, would be a great asset when I face to hardships during the work in the field. I will make the list of essential items to establish an organization by apprehending the problems can occur in the field, overcoming them with colleagues and field officers. Ultimately, with my own organization, I would like to have a positive effect on countries of asylum as well as resettlement's countries such as Europe where they face unprecedented refugee issues.
nk1992 1 / 4 1  
Apr 23, 2015   #2
instead of:

I participated in a meeting at United Nations ...

you can write:
I attended a meeting held at the United Nations University in Japan with a visiting lecturer, who is a specialist working at the UN Refugee Agency.

instead of:
Along with the Economics study, I took a number of .../font]

you can write:
While studying economics, I chose a variety of field modules such as International Law and International Organization Law, which I believe would throw some light in solving the refugee issue.

instead of:
After my graduation, I had the chance to gain the experience [...] today who lost their lives all of a sudden.

you can write:
After graduating, I had the opportunity to work for the UNHCR in the Republic of Korea, as a fundraiser. While working at UNHCR, I have gained valuable experience which further helped me set my target. My ultimate goal is to get proactively involved in changing the lives of several refuges. The fact that there are thousands of refugees who have lost their identity in the process, continues to make me work harder towards attaining my goal

I am not a professional proof-reader, but I would suggest that you check your grammar and sentence formation. Hope this helps you out! Cheers mate! :)

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