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I can learn a lot of good things from this great nation. KGSP scholarship 2018

yourbae 1 / -  
Feb 13, 2018   #1

Personal Statement for KGSP 2018

Hello~ I would like to ask you to review my personal statement for KGSP for Graduate Program 2018.
Thank you in advance ^^

Being raised by both parents working as a lecturer in one of the top University in ______ have made me to be an independent, strong-minded, and tenacious person. I always feel grateful to have them as my parents. I have learned a lot from them, who worked really hard and never give up on achieving their goals in life. I have already made up my mind that I will become a competent person that can contribute for the society and even more for my beloved country, ______.

I came from ______, the capital city of ______, ________. I am a second child and the only daughter in my family with a big brother and a little brother. Being the only daughter in my family doesn't make me to have a privilege treatment. Since I was a child, my parents always taught me to be grateful in every situation and do my best in everything I do, especially academically. I always got accepted to the top school in _______ from elementary school to high school. During high school, I also always got the top 3 rank in a whole school for three years. When I was in my 3rd year of high school, my father passed away, we had a hard time back then, but thankfully, because of my academic achievements I got accepted to ____________ University, a leading regional university in ______, majoring Food Science and Technology through an invitation, without a college entrance exam or called CSAT(수능) in Korea.

In order to improve my soft skills and gain more experience, I enrolled and got accepted to be an assistant lecturer of Sensory Analysis course in May 2015. In October 2015 I got accepted to be an assistant lecturer of Food Plant Design course and also for Unit Operation in Food Industry course. In November 2015 I was once again selected to become an assistant lecturer of Sensory Analysis course and also for Food Processing Technology course. As an assistant lecturer, my responsibilities is to guiding juniors working on a whole laboratory practices in each course, start from doing pretests, assisting laboratory works and evaluating their reports, holding a post-evaluation test, and generating grade which is one credit worth in the academic transcript of my juniors. Not only doing academic works, I also had an internship at _________ Company (the first and leading tea beverages manufacture in _______) in ______, ________ for a month (September 1st - October 1st 2015). I was assigned in quality control department which was responsible to maintain the quality of the products. I focused in production's critical point analysis and maintenance, especially on incoming material inspection, field inspection, chemical analysis, and microbiological analysis. From this, I gain more knowledge and experience about practical skills in food production without damaging its nutrition value.

As I studying food science and technology in a deeper level, I found a great interest in functional food and nutrition topics that leads me to conducted a research about panelist acceptance level of dark chocolate bar with addition of kaffir lime leaf essential oil and its physical and chemical properties for my thesis. The results showed a significant increase in antioxidant activity with very slightly changes in physical properties from the original dark chocolate. Thus, giving us a chance for a new functional food product and is expected to create an _________ signature chocolate.

I strongly believe that ______(my country) has a great potential to become another powerful country in the world because of its wealthy natural resources as well as the great potential of human resources. Therefore, I plan to become a lecturer to give a concrete contribution by personally involved in education system and help to deliver good quality human resources who are able to apply their theoretical knowledge into practical works as professionals. On the other hand, I plan to establish my own businesses by applying my knowledge, capability, and experiences in order to provide many jobs for ________ people, because recently the unemployment rate in _______(my country) is really high. In order to do that, I need to continue my study and gain a master's degree. From my point of view, I believe that I am the best candidate to receive KGSP to expand my knowledge in food science and technology and a pathway to reach my goals. My past study has made me a person with strong soft skills, high endurance and motivation to work the hardest and give the best results.

Nowadays, South Korea is known as one of the most powerful Asian country in the world, which has the most rapid growth in economic, technology, and industry. There are so many companies in Korea such as Samsung, LG, Hyundai, and Lotte, that has been well known globally for their innovation and technology. Korea is also well known for its advanced food science and technology. I am amazed by how food scientist in Korea was able to release a confectionery based functional food product, YO~HI lactic acid bacteria biscuit (a food product by Lotte Confectionery Korea), which is hard to find the same application in my country. This is my biggest reason why I choose Korea to gain my master's degree. Moreover, a huge interest in Korean culture, language, food, lifestyle, social value, people behavior, and how Korean people work really hard to achieve their goals, gave me a bigger motivation because I can learn a lot of good things from this great nation.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,333 3357  
Feb 14, 2018   #2
Deagisti, I can see that your personal statement is still based on the previous prompts which had a focus on family relations and ties to your future outlook. That is why the first 2 paragraphs of your essay is irrelevant to the new prompts that you were being asked to write about. I can honestly say that I did not find an appropriate motivation for your interest to study in Korea or a particular Korean university. The motivation for your interest in a Korean education should have something to do with the way that Korea has pioneered certain food handling or processing technologies or procedures. This must be explained in comparison to your own country's food handling abilities in order to properly represent how you could be motivated to study outside of your country for your masters degree.

For your academic experience, you have to show the reviewer that you have been prepared for this masters degree through your college education. In your presentation, you totally skipped the college discussion, which is the most important of the educational aspect of your essay. In fact, it is far more important than the high school education that you focused on. You have to revise that part to show how your college education and your college thesis developed your abilities as a researcher as that is a required discussion point by the prompt.

You should never indicate that you believe you are "the best candidate" for the program. Reviewers don't like it when students sound over confident in their essays. It almost sounds like you are telling the reviewer how to do his job. It would be best for you to either rephrase that part or just omit it since it is not part of the required information for the essay.

The last part of the essay about your reason for studying in Korea is good but too simplistic in presentation. Try to delve deeper into the food industry of Korea and how you hope to learn more about specific developments coming out of their food industry in order to close the essay on a far stronger note than it has now.

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