Australian Award Essay, Part 1: How Did You Choose Your Proposed Course and Institution?
Hi, I am a new member here. Upon reading a moderator's post on the "Question about UBC Personal Profile - admission essay" thread in this forum, I knew that I should submit one part of essay at one time. Since the scholarship consists of four essays, I'll divide it into part 1, 2, 3, and 4--in this thread, I'm going to start with the first part.
Pertaining on the question that is already stated on this thread's subject, my answer is as following (up to 2,000 characters limit, according to the Online Information Systems' rule as noted by many people on many different forums and blogs):
My passion for giving
Since I was in Elementary School, I had been familiar with children-related philanthropic activities that it ignited my passion to do more to societies as a whole. Of course I was looked down at that time, however, it didn't stop me to believe that even children can change the world for a better future. When I went to university, I learned more about non-profit organisations and accounting for non-profit organisation, which made me fell in love more with non-profit organisations.
Of course, my journey didn't stop there. Not long after I graduated, I took an online Philanthropy course called "Giving MOOC 2.0". At that time, the instructor challenged all of the participants to focus on one philanthropy issue. Considering that Indonesia and Australia have a sustained relationship on education and training, I chose education, specifically, children's education as my central philanthropy issue at that time, since I believe that children are crucial assets of a nation to help build a nation's reputation internationally. However, given that I have graduated from a finance-related (Accounting, to be precise) Bachelor degree, educating finance for children became a more specific central issue. I believe by educating children about finance, children will learn to manage their money from early ages, which will prevent them from being consumptive, encourage them to learn to lead and manage themselves since early ages, and finally, can cooperate with people from all over the world to be the world's agent of change.
Not to forget that I also link my desired contributions with my current career as a freelance writer, in which I learn to transport readers to the descriptive sentences in my writings as I work. All of this leads me to the desire to contribute in financial teachings (related to my educational background) to children through their writings (related to my current career). Upon knowing that Australia has cooperated with Indonesia in education sector and Australia has one of the world's best finance-related subjects, and I have also obtained a Bachelor degree, I chose to continue my study in Australia.
In addition, I had begun on searching Australian universities that offer philanthropy-related courses, in which I later found out that UTS and QUT are the two emerging universities in their philanthropy program that can accommodate my needs to contribute in building a non-profit organisation that work in increasing children's financial literacy by storytelling and article writing.
Should there anything that I have to elaborate, clarify, correct, or parts that I have to delete, please let me know. In addition, some of you might also want to comment about my overall ideas, leadership potential, professionalism, and/or my potential to contribute to the society I live in, and that will be appreciated as well. I am open to any constructive feedback regarding on my current and future scholarship essay's parts. Please do not hesitate to ask if any of you have any questions regarding on my essay.
Thank you very much for all of your efforts in reading my essay. :)Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Shierley, you will need to learn how to develop original and interesting essay titles for your succeeding essays otherwise you will risk being suspended from the forum. You violated the rules of the forum when you used the full prompt for the title instead of developing a creative title for it. Consider this a friendly warning from a contributor. Don't wait for the admin to warn you. They have the ability to suspend you after warnings are given and you do not change the way that you participate in the forum.
In addition to that, do not post new essays in this thread. This thread is dedicated only to the first essay that you posted. You will need to start a new thread for each essay that you want reviewed. If you add a new essay to this thread, the admin will immediately delete it and issue a warning. That could come with a suspension also eventually. Follow the rules strictly. Only one essay per thread.
It is not wise to start your essay from "elementary school". The essays that start at that point of education are often taken with a sense of disbelief by the reviewer because "elementary school" is not capable of opening the eyes of a student or a person in the manner that you represent in the essay. From the way that I read your work, it would be best if you indicate that your interest in Philanthropy started in college or with the online course instead. More importantly, you should offer an example of your personal participation in Philanthropy if you want to create a solid foundation for your decision to enroll in this proposed course. You cannot just tell the reviewer about information. You have to show him relevant examples in order to convince him to believe what you are saying.
When you discuss your 2 university choices, you need to discuss each university in a specific and separate paragraph. You cannot make a convincing plea for your case if you are telling the scholarship reviewer that the universities do not have any differences. There has to be a priority 1 and priority 2 university in this case. With each difference or highlight of the university course offering being used as the reason for your ranking them in that order.
@Holt, thank you for your willingness to review on my essay as well as reminding me on what to be considered upon writing a new thread. I can't deny that I am new to this forum, hence needing more guidance for those who have gotten used by this forum's environment. Therefore, I'm going to reply a comment and ask some follow-up questions on this thread, so that I abide by the forum's rules.
By saying, "You violated the rules of the forum when you used the full prompt for the title instead of developing a creative title for it," did you mean I have to paraphrase the question? For example, this one's full question is: "How did you choose your proposed course and institution?", does it mean that I have to sound like, "My Ways In Choosing My Chosen Subject and University", "My Statements on Intended Subject and University", or something similar as that, as long as it doesn't exactly match the full question? Anyway, I will consider this upon writing my next thread, so that there will be no more similar violations.
In regard to your feedback on this part of essay, I understand that I should omit the "elementary school" part and focus more on my interest in Philanthropy when I was at university or undertaking online course, in which I decided to focus more on both, since both are crucial information regarding on my essay's content and future contribution after graduating.
I have also participated in philanthropic activities relating to children education: I was assigned to teach children about mathematics and English along with one of my other friend to a training center in southern part of Surabaya. We assembled our own creative tools and study materials to get the children's spirit overflowing and enthusiastic about our teachings. Another thing is that where I was participating in children ministry along with other approximately 3-10 other people where I told stories to them (this is pertinent to my future contribution plan which involved on storytelling) and taught them to make jewelry based on the story (for your information, my future contribution will involve things that are similar to this, in which, children are encouraged to produce ready-to-sold books about financial articles they had written prior to publishing). My question will be, are these 2 examples need more improvement or not enough? And, which one will you suggest me to choose, should there be any of them?
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783 A creative title would be something along the lines of "I'm a Philanthropic Accountant" or "I'm an Accountant, What Would I Learn from Philanthropy?" Make it exciting and eye catching. After you come up with an interesting title, you can post the full prompt, in its original form in the box, before you post the actual essay.
Do not offer information that is not being asked for in the essay. In this instance, your plans for after you graduate are irrelevant to the discussion of your course and university choices. So do not include your after study plans. The reviewer's tend to frown upon the students who try to present discussions that are not required just because the student feels it is important. By doing that, you will prove to the reviewer that you either do not know how to follow instructions or, you just tend to ignore specific orders. In which case, that will end up being a negative mark on your application.
Neither of the stories that you mention about your activities with the children apply. Why are you focused on future contributions discussions in this essay? Read the prompt again, those are not required information at this point. Just discuss how you developed the interest in Philanthropy and the universities you have chosen to apply to.
When you discuss how you developed this interest, you need to focus on the influences that led you to this point. The definition of Philanthropy is "the desire to promote the welfare of others, expressed especially by the generous donation of money to good causes." or, "an act or gift done or made for humanitarian purposes". So the discussion about how you chose this course should involve the kind of financial contribution that you made for the welfare of the community. Neither of your examples do that.
Instead, you should be discussing how Accounting led you to the desire to become a Philanthropist. What was it about your accounting career that led you to believe that you should change career paths from Accounting to Philanthropy? Develop the explanation as to how this could have happened because the connection between the two lines of study are not quite clear in your essay.
I believe that you are trying to get advice for a different essay at this point. Please don't try to do that. Don't try to work the system. You will get suspended if you continue to do this. Stick to only the required elements of the original essay that you posted. If you cannot do that then I will no longer offer you my help and advice. As a contributor here, I cannot and will not violate the terms of use of the forum.
