Scholarship essay about how my master's degree would further my career

I have to write an essay for a scholarship in Australia and I'd like to have some help. I'm struggling to write it and I think it is weak :~

Can someone help?

Please provide details of how your proposed programme would further your academic and/or professional career. (200 words)

The proposed programme would give me a more in-depth understanding of the economics and mathematical principles that govern the modeling and management of pension benefits, general and healthcare insurance. This strong education, associated with my previous work experiences would give me the required background to become a well-rounded actuary and to become the strong professional I want to be. Also, being able to pursue the proposed Master's degree would give me an important professional advantage over others actuaries in Brazil, as there are not postgraduates programs in this field there and many actuaries have not had the opportunity to study abroad to enrich their skills. Additionally, the programme is well-regarded by industry in Australia, which allows me to get a summer internship in Sydney and further even more my career.

Moreover, it offers a research unit for those interested in Academia. This option, coupled with my previous research experiences as an undergraduate researcher as well as during my bachelor's report allows me to achieve my academic ambitions of pursuing a PhD a become a researcher in the field of Population Ageing and how this can impact healthcare costs and retirement benefits to society.

P.S.: My first language is not English so please, correct if you find mistakes =)

HI Rdolfo, I would like to take on the first paragraph of your essay in order to help you out and enhance your application letter.

- would givewill provide me
- with a more in-depth understanding
- of theon economics
- ThisA strong foundation of - education, associatedcoupled with
- my previous work experiences
- would give mewill be necessary for the required - to become the strong professional
- I want to bein my field .
- would give me an importantthe needed - actuaries inof Brazil,
- as there are not a lot of postgraduates
- byin the industry in Australia,
- and further even more my career.

There you have it Rodolfo, I hope the modifications provided above are helpful and even more useful in your revision. For future writing reference, mind the correct format of your words, the logic is also necessary as well as the relevance of your essay to the purpose of your letter.

Do let us know what comes out of this application, we would love to hear from you.

Hello Rodolfo,
I believe that this is a very solid essay. Congratulations on that. I just have a few comments that might help you make the essay better:

1) The second sentence seems too long and redundant. I believe that " This strong education, associated with my previous work experiences would give me the required background to become a well-rounded actuary." would be sufficient. Plus, make sure you do not overuse the word "strong" (I have seen this throughout your essay)

2) The last sentence is also a bit long. You can modify it as "This option, coupled with my previous research experiences as an undergraduate as well as my bachelor's report will allow me to achieve my academic ambitions of pursuing a PhD in the field of Population Ageing and its impact on healthcare costs and retirement benefits to society.

Hope these help and good luck on your scholarship :)