I would appreciate if the members of this forum would kindly review my statement and advice where adjustment can be made. thanks
COMMONWEALTH SHARED SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY
My interest in science dates back to my years in secondary school, where I excelled in physics, chemistry, and mathematics. My performance in the West Africa Senior Secondary School Council Examination was proof of my intellectual prowess in science-related subjects. It seemed only logical that I pursue a career in Engineering. I got an offer of admission into the Federal University of Technology, Akure, to study Metallurgical and Materials Engineering in 2012; as at the time of graduation, I was among the top four students of my class, received the Dean's List Award (G.P.A between 4.5 - 5.0) eight semesters out of the ten semesters as an undergraduate and to cap it all, I graduated with a GPA of XXXXXXX
My goal is to become a Professor of Materials science and engineering. This would allow me to teach, conduct world-class research, mentor students, supervise their work, and contribute significantly to the technological development of my nation. These goals have been fueled by my collective experiences. My mathematics, physics, chemistry and engineering courses have steadily steered my career path. More specifically, my courses in the science of materials, thermodynamics and kinetics, heat and mass transfer, foundry, selection of engineering materials, chemical and electrochemical processing of materials have provided a very good foundation for my proposed study and career goals.
During my third year in the university, I had the opportunity to be mentored along the bright students in my class by Prof. XXXXXX (Professor, Metallurgical and Materials Engineering), his diligence, discipline and direction have inspired my inner confidence to climb like a tiger until I reach the pinnacle of my ambitions. The mentorship under this amiable professor has led to the publishing of a conference paper termed "Technological Innovations in the Nigeria Metal Industry for National Economic Revitalization" presented at the 33rd National Metallurgical society and Annual General Meeting held at the petroleum training institute, Delta State, Nigeria. This has given me a great foundation to understand some of the critical problems facing the metal industry in the nation and has helped to improve my writing skills.
Access to clean modern energy services is an enormous challenge facing the African continent. It is no longer news that energy demand worldwide is expected to double by 2050 and a considerable proportion of that energy will have to be generated from renewable resources. New materials and material structures are at the very core of this research endeavour. Therefore, a Master's degree in Materials for Energy and Environment at XXXXX university, will provide me with the skills and knowledge needed to participate in this ongoing technological revolution.
My career plan is, first of all, to complete a Master's degree in materials for energy and environment; secondly, sharing knowledge, experience, and skills with potential future leaders. After my master's degree, I intend to apply my new skills and qualifications in my home country by (1) Creating awareness on renewable energy and energy efficiency in five selected Nigeria universities (2) Taking advantage of global partnerships, such as the Residential Energy Efficiency Project initiative of UK, to create a synergy of joint research with two or more energy research institute in Nigeria which will bring about the execution and implantation of research results into practice especially on renewable energy and (3) Establish a testing and standards laboratory for renewable energy technologies. I strongly believe that taking a master's degree in Materials for Energy and Environment at XXXXX university would give me the paramount training to embark on my career afterwards.Hi! Even though the topic is unfamiliar to me I came up with a few suggestions.
I liked that you briefly explained your earlier studies in a paragraph however in paragraph 2 it is, in a way, too brief. You simply name the courses you've taken but they will find this information on your transcript anyway. What you can do is to choose one or two courses among them and explain what you gained from them.
The paragraph you talk about the mentorship is good. My only critique would be that the transition to the paragraph after it is too abrupt. You may need a transitioning sentence to state that now you are going to talk about your research goal.
Best of luck!
