Hi every one ,
I am not a native english speaker and I'd like to get your opinion about my statement please .
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It was a cold dark night when I was in my sanitary duty in the coronary care unit at XXXX teaching hospital two years ago when a load voice become close and the medical staff dashed in the C.C.U door and few people pushing a bed carrying an unconscious young male patient in his twenties suffering a heart attack, it was a horrible scene. I will never forget that awful moment when I did a resuscitation for a dying patient for more than 30 min then " Tut - Tut" A HEART BEAT !! He came back to life!! I didn't sleep that night and sat thinking why we are losing such young patients whom are neglecting their life by smoking and other bad habits?
As I spent my first months of my medical residency period in the C.C.U. , I fell in love with cardiology as a clinical branch. However, I have never fully appreciated the concept of bad social habits which affect the heart until that unforgettable night. I began to further explore this concept in my second year of residency as I worked in a primary healthcare sector which was different to some extant. I didn't know that it could be of that benefit and that effect in giving management to a vast number of patients and at the same time discovered my hidden skills in leadership, supervision and medical planning which were re-polished during my work as a Director of XXXX PHC center.
By the time my love to Cardiology persisted but modified from being a clinical to be a preventive one, in which my ambition become concentrated on how to spread medical awareness about heart diseases, their effects and ways to prevent them. My desire increased when I became the coordinator of the world heart day activities in XXX city with World Heart Federation, it was a successful day and I recieved a letter of recognition from the head manager of Al-Anbar Health Bureau.
My experience in PHC field , interest and ambition in improving people's health, life and future medical planning in Iraq specifically heart diseases and how to be prevented , have confirmed my desire to continue along this academic path. Through a Masters of Public Health program, I hope to gain a comprehensive understanding of public health research and practice.
And as I am writing this statement I believed that I have a noble goal and winning the ISLP scholarship to study the public health in U.S collages will be the first step in making my dream REAL.
It was a cold dark night when I was in my sanitary duty in the coronary care unit at XXXX teaching hospital two years ago. whenSuddenly,a load voice became close and the medical staff dashed in the C.C.U door;and few people pushing a bed carrying an unconscious young male patient in his twenties suffering from a heart attack; it was a horrible scene. I will never forget that awful moment when I did a resuscitation for a dying patient for more than 30 min then " Tut - Tut" A HEART BEAT !! He came back to life!! I didn't sleep that night and sat thinking why we are losing such young patients whom are neglecting their lifelives by smoking and other bad habits?
As I spent my first months of my medical residency period in the C.C.U. , I fell in love with cardiology as a clinical branch. However, I have never fully appreciated the concept of bad social habits which affect the heart until that unforgettable night. I began to further explore this concept further in my second year of
Thanks a lot for your corrections,^_^
but could you please give me your opinion about the statement at all, is it boring , too short , or had unnecessary details ?
to tell the truth i had no desire to read it up to the end. That may be the answer for your question.
{First idea then explanation - do not open all the cards before crossing the bridges}
Oh!!!
that's what i was afraid from!!:((
Any suggestion please? is it need to be changed at all!!?? I have to apply next week and I am confused !! :((
I agree with Bobur. I lost interest in the second paragraph. What are the instructions on the scholarship essay? What does the essay want the applicant to focus on: your experiences, listing examples, technical stuff, community involvement, why you chose this career path, what direction you would like for your career to go, how are you going to give back to the community, ect. Knowing the details of what the scholarship application is asking will help people like me give you feedback.
Thank you , I really appreciate your comments, this is the first time for me in writing a personal statement, sure I have to focus on what they want to know, I returned back to the scholarship site and i found these questions :
Your personal statement should describe your achievements and your plans for the future. This is where you can take the opportunity to discuss any significant events that have lead to where you are today and where you would like to be in the future.
Address the following points in your essay:
What motivated you to choose your path?
What obstacles have you overcome?
How did these experiences prepare you for what you are doing now and influence your choice of a field of advanced study?
Have you had any practical experience in this field?
i think that i just answer the 1st question !!
I disturbed you all but any simple help will be of benefit for me ! ^_^
