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Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship


LuckyLulu 1 / 2 1  
Sep 24, 2015   #1
In order to apply for the UWC Scholarship, I have written an essay about the following topic:
"Describe how your day goes on April 29th 2025"
Though I put lots of effort on it, I'm confused whether my essay has met up with the necessary criteria and also, whether it is grammartically correct. So I would really be thankful if any of you can give me some reviews and advices.

Here is my essay:

"The sound the 3-dimension clock wakes me up. It says 0:01, which means a new day has dawned. Here comes the day of 29th April 2025.

The sense of time reminds me of beautiful Earth, which has been more than out of reach. Though a year from home makes me eager to come back, this is not the time to quit. For the sake of the Earth, my whole crew is determined to keep this journey going on until we finish our missions.

As we go further, the density of dust keeps increasing which pretty much resemble the chaos back at our home planet. People are now starting to abandon their home and build cities underground. Wars and nuclear power have sure paid high cost. The recall of how splendid the Earth used to be and could have been arouse the feeling of sheer bitterness. Nonetheless, there is no use crying over spilt milk. Future awaits. And we bear the heavy responsible to be one of those reassuring the hope for that forthcoming. Hopeless though it may seem, we won't back down.

The space shuttle slowly moves into an area of intense heat. This alarms me. On checking the detector, David - a crew member, discover that there is a range of asteroids orbiting huge planet that is releasing excessive heat waves, which we are quite close to. Could this be? Whatever it is, we decide not give it a miss. Hanate quickly send a report back to Earth asking for a precise location. We breathlessly approach the system.

To our amazement, we are observing a second Solar System. It's like a home from home! We all stand up watching it in awe. The hope keeps raising as we come closer to the third planet from "the Sun". The ground controllers help us set the teleport to explore "the brother of Earth". Soon after five minutes, we are on solid ground. The beautiful green grass appears join the crystal blue sky in the horizon. I take off my space helmet, happily take in a deep breath and report back to Earth: "We found it!"

Thank you in advance!
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Sep 24, 2015   #2
Hello,

Unlike college admissions essays, scholarship essays are much more pragmatic. They want to see how the funds will actually benefit you. Apr. 2025 is less than 10 years away and it is highly unlikely that what you are describing here will be feasible in such a short time without you specifically addressing new processes that will allow the reader to believe otherwise. My advice is to really think about where you will be in 10 years taking into consideration any college and any post college plans that you have and then tackle this question in a more realistic way. - Admissions Advice Online
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 24, 2015   #3
Hello, I can help you with some needed changes. There are some minor issues with the first three sentences.

"The sound of the 3-dimension clock wakes me up. It says 12:01 a.m., which means a new day has dawned. Here comes the day of April 29, 2025." (The time needed to be clarified and the date needed some changes).

As I was reading your essay, I became confused. Then I realized what you were trying to explain. Here is a suggestion: "Though a year in space makes me eager to come back home, this is not the time to quit."

Here is a correction: "When I recall how splendid the Earth used to be, and could have been this arouses in me the feeling of sheer bitterness." Combine your sentences: "What further awaits is the heavy responsibility to be one of those giving the hope for what is forthcoming."

3rd paragraph- There are minor issues that need to be corrected: "discovers that there is a range of asteroids orbiting a...". Also, there is a missing word in the sentence after your question: "not to". The word send should be "sends".

4th paragraph-You should change "solar system" to all lowercase letters. Change raising to "rising". Do you mean the green grass appears to join the crystal blue sky?

I hope this helps!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 24, 2015   #4
Tong, I would like you to consider some guide questions that I think can help you better outline your 10 year career plan in relation to the prompt.

1. Consider the major that you wish to pursue in college. Make sure that this is really the path you want to take for your future.

2. Look through the internet for possible higher career positions related to your chosen major. Make sure to add the keywords "within 10 years" so you can get more specific results.

3. From all the possible career options available to your related to your major, which one appeals to you the most? Delve further into information regarding the career path you have to take in order to achieve that position in 10 years (if possible).

4. Outline the information you have gathered then walk away from the list. Come back in a few hours of the next day.

5. Think about whether this is an ambition that you can honestly achieve for yourself in 10 years.

6. Draft the story of your first day on that job or any story that you feel will provide an insight into your character as a professional. Concentrate on how you feel about that accomplishment. In your story, you can mention it as the ultimate result of a driven career. The end result of this specific date for you should be a career related opportunity or reward that makes all of the efforts of the past decade worthwhile.

While the essay can actually be about anything you want to write about, you need to ground your story first on the reality of your ambitions, your interests in life, and how you think you can change the world or make further strides towards the development of your chosen profession within a short period (10 years) of time. I do not know why this date in particular was chosen for this prompt. All I know is that you need to make a remarkable personal or professional achievement in this area on that date. At the moment, your current essay is more useful in a creative writing class than in a college application. If your interests lie in space exploration, offer up a vision for something that you might be able to achieve in that field in 10 years. Say for example, making an international effort discovery about space that can help the earth as you work with the team on the international space station or something similar to that.
OP LuckyLulu 1 / 2 1  
Sep 25, 2015   #5
Thank you all a lot for the recommendations. One thing keeps me worried is that I haven't really determined on any particular carreer. What I do know is that I'm keen on exploring nature al well as helping to preserve and restore its natural beauty. Hope I can find something to write on that. I'll try vangiespen's guides and see how it goes. Hope you can help me correct it again!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 26, 2015   #6
- The sound of the 3-dimension...
- Here comes the 29th day of 29th April 2025.
- ...my whole crew is determined to keep this journey going on until we finish our missions.
-...pretty much resembles the chaos back at our home planet.
- And we bear the heavy responsibleresponsibility to...
- Hopeless thoughas it may seem, we won't back down.
- ...."the brother of the Earth".
- The beautiful green grass appears to join the crystal...

There you have it. It's a good essay that gives justification to the prompt, however I'm just wondering why the prompt says 29th of April 2025, I'm not sure what the significance of that day and year is. Well, should we still be alive on this year then yes we would love to have found a new earth. Hopefully it will not be that expensive to get there.

I hope the remarks I made helps.
OP LuckyLulu 1 / 2 1  
Sep 27, 2015   #7
Thanks for all the correction, justivy. Your suggestions could really help fix my bad grammar!
I recently consider all vangiespen's useful recommendations. As I realize my interest is in Nature as well as inspring other people to preserve it as well, I came up with this essay. Hope you can help review it!

" The day of 29th April start with a fresh breath of air. A morning like this is more than perfect. The sun is shining more brightly than ever and the sky is clear. That sounds like a good start for me and my student's excursion to Nam Cat Tien National Park. We take a bus and start the journey. The kids seem excited. They keep talking and laughing all the way, then from time to time stand up from their seat asking me: "Are we there yet?"

I smile and tell them to be patient. I understand their exhilaration, this is the first time they've travelled so far from their usual studying environment. I myself am eager to arrive there as well, to show them how wonderful nature can be, and see if our program can inspire these young generations to immerse themselves in the healthy atmosphere of the forests, and to preserve its beauty.

"What is our program?" You may wonder. Well, it is called "Shaping the Earth", an educational program, of which I'm the founder, which help increase children and teenager' awareness about the environment from an early age. We provide these young with not only academic knowledge and tools for experiments, but also real experience in nature via short trips or excursion. We aim at changing citizen's attitude towards nature, clarifying not only its significance and problems, but also ways to preserve it. Therefore, this progam will not only minimize our harmful activities to nature but also restore its beauty.

We finally arrive at our destination. I lead the students through the forests, introducing to them each and every tree. Their eyes light up with amazement, which gives me the satisfaction influencing a new generation. I show them not only the beauty of nature, but also the fact that these are being destroyed and soon will be gone. After the trip, one small student hold my and hands and say to me: I want to invent a kind of ink that will turn our drawings into green grass. I am glad to hear her will. One thing our program is trying reach is to be able to fund great ideas of improve environmental problems to become a reality, and by the time we achieve this goal, we will be able to make brilliant ideas like hers come true.

At the end of the day, we go home, gladly and satisfyingly. The kids keep talking about what they have learned, and I keep thinking about how the small things they learn to day will help them create a better world in the future.

What a day to enjoy!:
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 27, 2015   #8
Well Tong, you certainly surprised me with the way you wrote this second essay. It is imaginative, informative, and focused on something that can actually become a career path for yourself within ten years. I knew that all you needed was some direction in order to figure out what you wanted to write in the essay. I am glad that I was able to help you do that. That said, I have some critiques of your essay that I think need to be pointed out.

First of all, we lack a professional background for this person. Who was she before she became the founder of this group? Was she a teacher? I think she was one because she knows how to handle very young children. It would help to identify your presumed career path in the essay. Remember, this essay is supposed to prove that you have a career realization in mind by the time you reach your tenth year as a professional. That is why the professional background of this person is very important to the essay. Frankly speaking, I think you should mention that you own a school and that this program is part of the exposure immersion program of the school. That should help give a more authoritative semblance to your field trip and explain why the kids trust and like you so much.

Having said that, now we can concentrate on cleaning up the language of your essay. I read your essay and you are trying to tell the story in real time. Therefore all of your sentences should be in present tense. However, the time of presentation in your essay is a bit murky. So it will be best to make sure that the reader understands that by making reference to the present setting. For example, to open this essay I would have said:

Today is April 29, a day that starts for me with a breath of fresh air. - This way, the people know that I am living in the day and date.

It's a good start for me and my students excursion to

then from time to time one of the kids would stand up from their to ask me. : "Are we there yet?"

usual academic environment

to get there as well,

an educational program that I founded

that helps increase children and teenager's

from an early age

to change the

does not only

activities in

the satisfaction of influencing

one small student held my and hands and told me:

" I want to invent a kind of ink that will turn our drawings into green grass."

hear her plan

is trying to do is to be able to

ideas to improve

to become a reality

we go home, happy and satisfied

they learn today

Please note the changes and reflect the same in your essay. It is really a very good piece of writing in terms of ideas and really has some personal touches that will automatically tell the reviewer not only what your career will be in the future, but what your succeeding plans will be. Regardless of the grammar mistakes.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Oct 1, 2015   #9
@Luckylulu, I am thankful I was able to help. Now, this revised essay is indeed very good. It's always good to have helping hands of contributors here on EF as you will be directed to were the essay is suppose to go.

I have read thorough it and I believe everything is good and well written, maybe a little enhancement on the last part of the essay.

- ...introducing to them to each and every tree.
- Their eyes lightlit up with amazement,
- which gives me the satisfaction of influencing
- ...athe new generation.
- After the trip, one smallA younger student...
- hold my and hands..
-...and to saytold me:,

- At the end of the day, we go home,The day end gladly and satisfyingly, we all went home with a big smile in our faces . - ...small things they learn toto day( "today" is one word )

That should be it, your good to go.


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