Scholarship essay for Opportunity Fund Program by Usef...any suggestions ?

self-confident, ambitious problem solver

I faced a challenge at the end of my first year of college . I got diagnosed with varicocele (enlargement of veins within loose bag of skin that holds testicles);yet I continued to earn ideal grades.I deserve this opportunity because I have a determination to strive to achieve my goals,no matter what obstacle I have to overcome.

I was shocked when there doctor told me I had to undergo a surgery;otherwise,the pain could be prolonging and it might cause infertility problem in the future.It was all of a sudden.So, It was a difficult situation for me to keep balance between my health status and my academics. Also,for my parents to manage expenses for the treatment .

On the other hand,keeping the fear of the surgery aside,I was worried about losing my academic consistency. "I will ruin my annual college examination and coming CAIE(Alevel) examination",I thought frequently.I did not want this unwanted situation to ruin my one year of learning at this very last moment.Also,I wanted to show my parents that I was thankful for what they did for my recovery. I could achieve this both desire by one effort - getting higher grades.

With a great ambition to achieve this burning desire,I changed my daily routine.I slept less than usual,wasted less time in social sites ,and focused only on one thing - to study.Hopefully,It all worked for me,and I graduated at the top of my class in the annual examination and earned exemplary grades on my CAIE(Alevel) examination.Also,I was granted with a full fee waiver.

I take my education very seriously, and I have the passion and determination to become a fine student in the future.I am an innovative problem solver and a critical thinker.And most importantly,I can overcome any hurdles that comes in my life when it takes to achieve a success in whatever thing I wish to do.

Although my parents have given me many supports, I have received a limited financial assistance because the income source is divided to support the education of my brother,my sister and me(third child).So,receiving this fund will boost my self-confidence, knowing that I not only completed a very important task, but also took the responsibility of creating a foundation for getting me closer to pursuing an engineering degree in the US.

NirajP,

I admire how you started your essay by telling your personal story. Generally speaking, the flow of your essay is sufficient when it comes to relaying information. I would only suggest tweaking it a little bit to make sure it is more professional.

On a technical level, I would suggest that you look into correcting your usage of spacing and punctuation marks. Also, I suggest reviewing your subject-verb agreements. It also helps to reread your essay out loud multiple times.

For instance, I could revise your second paragraph as:

I was in shock when the doctor told me to undergo surgery because the pain would be intolerable in the future. He mentioned that I could possibly be infertile because of it. This news came in all of a sudden. Due to this, I found it difficult to maintain a balance between my health and academics. My parents also struggled to manage expenses because of the additional financial burden.

I suggest adding details in the end of your essay about how you can potentially contribute to the academic institution. Often, when agencies such as this give away scholarships, they expect a return of investment. Talk more about your long-term goals - and how these goals can contribute to the institution. I also would like to suggest a revision on your last sentence. While improving your self-confidence as an individual can be a good reason, talk more about the potential impact of the scholarship on people close to you. This will ensure that the reviewers feel empathy towards you - hence, helping in boosting your chances for acceptance.

Best of luck to your application.