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"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." Rhodes Scholarship Essay



muhammadhayat86 2 / 6  
Aug 24, 2009   #1
Please review my admission essay and how can i improve it?Please point out any spelling mistakes.All criticism is welcome.Thanking you in advance!.Regards

Hyat
PS:I am a bit confused about the work experience part.Should i add any more information?

"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." -Julie Andrews

Born in Kuwait, I had spent 16 years of my life there living in a small community . My childhood life was not imprudent but it was good. My mother being my biggest inspiration because she is the one I look up to in hard times. Never in my 23 years have I seen my father him with a job, 30 years in his career he switched between 44 jobs and never stayed on one for more than 7 months. Most of the time jobless, sleeping in the house or torturing us emotionally which he still does. I consider my self to have been raised by a poor single-parent i.e. my mother. She worked a lot to pay the bills and put food on the table and supported me financially all the way from schooling up till university. Her struggle taught me concentration, empathy and steadfastness.

It was a hot summer morning; I accompanied my mother to the bank. Driving round Kuwait city we passed by liberation tower .Its grandeur and magnificence intrigued me, it was just a mesmerising experience. Right then I decided to be an engineer. It just seemed interesting, but didn't know what type of. It was just until I got to university and looked at the different areas and decided to major in civil engineering. I decided to attend UET Taxila because of its Four-Year Bachelor Program.

"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." -Julie Andrews.
My four years in university taught me a lot. It made me discover aspects of myself that I was unaware of. Everyone I knew walked in to the university as a freshmen with ambition of being a engineering major. Now as we all have graduated, very few of us stuck and actually digressed from their original goals. I was not good but an average student. But I managed to score good in my senior year.I had gone through a similar situation like this before when I was in my 10th grade. I failed in send ups and performed badly in my pre board exam, but when the Federal board exams results were declared I scored 86% and stood 4th in my class.

My professional career started with Lagan-Husnain (J/V) on NBBI Airport as a Site Engineer. At first it all seemed a bit difficult, but as Jim Horning said "Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." With my hands on experience I have been able to relate to what I have had learnt in classes. Working with Lagan Construction (Belfast UK) was unique in a sense that it taught me to be positive in every sphere of my life and not many fresh graduates are fortunate enough to work with an international company of such high standards. The thing that influenced me was how they approached a problem & their way of working.

Pursuing further studies while exploring a new part of the world is definitely what I look forward to. Having the honor of being the oldest and top most university in the English-speaking world. Its rich heritage inspired me always, 12th century medieval structures and beautiful quads. With such a high regarded reputation for excellence and international recognition for the quality of its teaching & research, studying at oxford would be a dream come true. With international students making 63% of its student population, one gets to interact among people coming from different culture, background and regions. And to study at oxford would be one beyond my wildest expectations.

I want to pursue my MscR in Water Resources Engineering. With the help of it I will be able to research on hydraulic structures for sustainable use of river systems and their resources so that they can be used and managed for industrial and domestic purposes in a much more efficient way. It would broaden my understanding of physical and natural phenomenon in river basin systems and in management of floods and droughts. Design and research on hydraulics would help me evaluate river basin systems and processes at a wide range of scales for the purpose of water resources. And the impact of hydraulic structures such as dams, intakes, hydropower plants, conveyance systems on the environment.

By not only emphasizing on the technical aspects but also on managerial, social and environmental questions associated with these engineering works. Research on river basin development and management would help me identify riverine systems and the role of monitoring and modeling forecasts. The use of decision support systems, potential uses of water resources and the factors affecting the scope and role of hydraulic engineering in water resources development projects.

Living in Britain would change my life in a sense that I would be able to make new friends and contacts from around the world. Exposed to new ideas and ways of life would enlighten and enrich me in ways that I can't even think of. It would help me understand two nations which in turn would help me understand all the others. There is an old cliché that "travel broadens your mind", but it is a cliché because it is true.

EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Aug 24, 2009   #2
You have a series of paragraphs that say different things about you, but they don't really connect. Your first paragraph seems like the introduction to a "person who influenced you" essay. Your second paragraph reads like the opening to a "how did I decide on my major" essay. Your third paragraph seems to be the beginning of an "accomplishment that I am proud of essay" and so on. You need to decide what you want this essay to say about you, settle on a single, clear thesis statement, and tie everything else you say back to it.
kdm504 1 / 8  
Aug 24, 2009   #3
I agree with Sean. Your essay didn't seem to flow. Also, I understand that English may not be your first language, but I found the essay a bit dificult to read because of the numerous grammatical errors. I would suggest maybe having someone more fluent in English go through each sentence with you, correcting as needed.
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 24, 2009   #4
Yes, there are many interesting and potentially relevant facts but no organization in this essay. Sketch out an outline for yourself, putting the most important things you want to say into some coherent order. Then shuffle your sentences and paragraphs accordingly, omitting any that are not needed. Post a revision and then we can get down to the sentence level in dealing with your grammatical errors.
OP muhammadhayat86 2 / 6  
Aug 25, 2009   #5
Your suggestion are very helpful.I would work on the paragraph transition and post it for review.
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 29, 2009   #6
My childhood life was not imprudent but it was good.

This doesn't make sense. Do you mean to say that your childhood was not careless but still was good? Say that. "Imprudent" has a very different meaning. Be very careful when using thesaurus words.

Your story is very compelling and is somewhat better organized now. I would start with your desire to pursue your MscR in Water Resources Engineering and stress the environmental applications of that. Then tell your story.
OP muhammadhayat86 2 / 6  
Aug 29, 2009   #7
Hello Simone,

Once again i am extremely thankful and truly appreciate your efforts in this regard.Thank you ever so much.Regards

Hayat


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