Quest for Excellence Awards:Science and Technology Award

Hi guys! This is due tomorrow so I could really use some help! (And, I'll help you w/ your essays if you help me with mine! (: )

Question: Please describe why you are interested in a career in science and technology. What would you hope to achieve by pursuing this career, and what particular issues would you be most interested in addressing? (300 word limit)

I am interested in a career in science and technology because I love science. I have loved it ever since I was a child. As a child, I was always curious. I wanted to know about everything. I remember asking my mom where babies came from and if I could have one. She told me " Babies come from trash cans..." I asked my cousin what humans were made of and she replied "We're made of stars," which I later found out is actually true. I still have that insatiable thirst for knowledge. Also, I excelled in math and science at school. So, I loved science and it was my forte. I wanted to become a scientist, the kind that discovered new facts about the universe and its laws and such. However, several years ago, all of that changed. My dad had a hemorrhagic stroke. I remember that just after his stroke, my dad couldn't even walk, write, go to the bathroom, and so on. My mom did not go to work just to take care of him. It was an extremely dark time in my life. I hated how everyone who knew about it seemed to pity our family. My dad would get so angry sometimes about his condition. He and my mom would get into screaming matches. Now, after rehabilitation, he can walk, but very slowly, and he cannot use his left hand, so he cannot drive and many daily functions are difficult for him. Therefore, he has to rely on my mom and I often.After knowing what my dad and my family have gone through, I decided to become a different kind of scientist. I want to find out better treatments for stroke and paralysis. (289 words)

What do you guys think? How can I improve it?

Okay, I have limited time right now so I won't comment on grammar, which is overall pretty good, but your content-

How is yours unique? Your opening surely did not catch my attention; try to attract my attention with an incident or something during my life. Perhaps start off with describing your dad's hemorrhagic stroke and describe it vividly with how you felt. And then elaborate on everything else.

I just don't feel yours is unique. But you don't have to take my word for it- all I think is unique, creativity, etc. I don't think you have to change it though really. It's your opinion.

It feels a little redundant here.


I don't know, it just feels stronger this way.


Discovers, not discovered.


"everything" can replace "all of that".


I would replace the "and so on" part with some other factor.


Stick a different adjective in there. Hate is too common.


Angry isn't really strong enough either. Maybe:
Sometimes, my dad was excruciatingly frustrated about his condition.


You don't just know about this, you experience this.

These are all just stylistic suggestions that I prefer. Overall, I think the essay does a great job at highlighting a personal reason for your desires.