Relevant work experience to commerce

I want to apply for master of commerce and in relevant work experience part of application form I have to answer a question. I need your feedback. thanks a lot.

describe your key job duties

question: describe your key job duties and any managerial roles you have, including mentoring and training of colleagues

answer: I work in the sales and customer relations department of Jazireh Gold and Jewelry Shop. Our main activity is selling and buying gold. I have to calculate the price of gold jewelry for customers based on price of gold per gram, gold karat, weight of gold, Jeweler's making charges and percentage of our profit. Following that, I persuade them to purchase what they are willing to have. In addition, I buy gold after checking if gold is real or fake and determining its karat.

The most important task for me is managing the shop in the absence of our manager which expand my duties. This condition assist me in preparing myself in order to start my own business in the future.

I am responsible for service to foreign customers and this is the sweetest part of my job. Further, I consider it as a window to the international business world which will accelerate my success.

Hi, I read your essay and to me I feel you have not adequately addressed the question prompt.You have highlighted only your job duties but not the mentoring and training aspect of prompt.Kindly consider reviewing it to address this aspect.

Haniye, you need to consider the word count for your response. How many words are you allowed to write? Based on the number of words required, you should be able to create a full essay response that better explains what you duties, obligations, and other roles in the company is. Do not say "Our main duty" but rather "The store specializes in..." When you say "our main activity", you make it sound like a non-professional job when you are a professional at what you do.

Your sentence about jewelers making charges does not make any sense. It has a topic, an action, but no reason so the sentence is unclear. You cannot persuade a person or client to purchase what they are "willing" to have because that is all they are willing to buy. Rather you should be describing how you convince clients to buy more than they need or want to have. You need to revise the presentation for your last sentence in your first paragraph. It doesn't make sense. Did you mean that the karat determines the gold?

You do not explain your leadership skills in the essay. Your second paragraph is too short and not descriptive enough of your duties and obligations as an interim manager.

Explain also why service to foreign clients are the sweetest part of your job. What made you say that? Be more descriptive and informative in order to better represent yourself in this written interview.