Can anyone please review my essay and give me feedback asap? Am I on the right track? Did I wrote too much?
Is there anything else you would like to tell us about that may help us evaluate your nomination (i.e., personal characteristics, obstacles you have overcome)?
It is difficult to get home from school and not see your mom waiting for you at the bus stop, nor smell the delights of her food as you open the door or even worse not feel your dad's kisses while you stand in front of him on your tiptoes. Importantly, don't have those influential persons in your life asking you one simple and essential question: How was school? Imagine all of this happening to six children under the age of eighteen.
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Very Good Points...
But try to mention something positive too. I personally feel that you essay has brilliant points, but is a little to negative.
Mention something positive points of your life.
Try to mention what you learned from it, and describe how you applied it to your life.
Do not shout at the academic officer. Do not use an exclamation point at the end of your essay. Reword the sentence to deliver the same sentiment without shouting. Remember, this is an academic essay. There is no room for an overflow of emotions. You already allowed your emotions to show throughout your essay while discussing your parents story of deportation, which by the way, is not a story that this essay should be about. Rather, you should spin the same story to show how you personally overcame the odds that your parents illegal entry into the United States posed. Discussing more of your academic accomplishments while trying to balance the sadness of family separation with it. Right now this sounds like a plea for immigration regulation changes rather than an application for one of the most important scholarships in the country. Change the tone to one of understanding and a realization of how lucky you are to be given this chance. Tone down the immigration story if you can. Make this about you, not your parents.
Thank you very much Louisa Mae I'll go back and give me essay a spin, change the tone and make it about me. You made me realize a lot of things.
Focus on what you were able to achieve DESPITE of your experiences. Don't try to force sympathy. When you tell your story in a way that portrays you as an over-comer, it is much more powerful/effective.
Is this better?
It is difficult to get home from school and not see your mom waiting for you at the bus stop, nor to smell the delights of her food as you open the door or even worse, not to feel your dad's kisses while you stand in front of him on your tiptoes. Importantly, to a have those influential persons in your life asking you one simple and essential question: How was school? Imagine all of this happening to six children under the age of eighteen.
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Cut out your introductory paragraph. It is important to immediately tell your story. Setting it up the way that you did only takes attention away from the immediate response the essay requires. Dive immediately into the events that happened when you were eleven instead. Try to cut down a bit more on the part about your parents crossing the bridge and their deportation. Those should only be skimmed over. It should not be more than half the essay. The whole essay should concentrate more on how these events affected you academically and personally. After you present that information, show the maturity that has come with having to deal with the fact that you have had to grow up without your parents. At the moment, you really need to cut out your parents story from the essay. Remember, you need to present yourself as a person who has overcome obstacles, your obstacles, not your parents, in order to get to the point in your life where you are today. The less you talk about your parents travails and instead concentrate on building up the obstacles you were presented with (such as the suggestion of the agent which you failed to completely explain in the essay), the better written and prompt responsive your essay will be.
Is there anything else you would like to tell us about that may help us evaluate your nomination (i.e., personal characteristics, obstacles you have overcome)?
It is difficult to get home from school and not see your mom waiting for you at the bus stop, nor to smell the delights of her food as you open the door or even worse, not to feel your dad's kisses while you stand in front of him on your tiptoes. Importantly, to not have those influential persons in your life asking you one simple and essential question: How was school? Imagine all of this happening to six children under the age of eighteen.
It was the fall of 2008, I was 11 and was about to get out of school with hopes that my mom would pick me up, but the worst was yet to come. I went home walking by myself, the hours passed and my mother never arrived. We were desperate and it was already past 7 pm. I will never forget those hours of anticipating that call that she was on her way. My mother was detained by agents in the Reynosa-Hidalgo International Bridge, accused of working illegally in the US. They took away her Visa, she signed her deportation and was sent back to Mexico with a sanction of five years. We were devastated by what happened and we were only able to see our father. After that, my parents decided that it was best for us to go to Pharr every morning to go to school and return to Reynosa; they wouldn't allow us to be alone at night. We had no choice. Things even got worse. We were always late to school due to the long lines at the International Bridge and we got sent to court because of our tardiness. One year later, our nightmare had no end in sight. My dad was detained for no apparent reason. The agents told him that he had a lot of linkages here in the United States; when he brings his kids back to Mexico he would give him his Visa back. But why? Don't we have the right to live and study here since we are US citizens?
It felt like my world was coming to an end, my home country took away both of my parents from our tiny defenseless hands. I was determined to go back to Mexico, but my parents never let me. Eventually, this issue was affecting me in every single manner: emotionally, academically and socially.
Not having my parents by my side made me mature and independent. At a really young age, I learned to take care of myself and my brothers, since we were alone in this journey. I was determined to make my parents feel proud of me by showing them that all the sacrifices they have made are not, nor will be in vain. I took classes that nobody would dare to take and make sure that I was taking advantage of every of all the things the school has to offer. In May, I will be graduating under the Distinguished Achievement Plan and Dual Language Program, with an associate's degree, earning a place on the top 7% of my class and with a GPA of 4.0. Thanks to this situation now I have aspirations and expectations of who, what and how I want to be. I want to be an Architectural Engineer and I am sure that with all the devotion I have put into school, I will make it happen and make them feel proud of me. Now, I realize how grateful I am to be given the chance that many people want: fulfill the American Dream.
Even now, my parents are still not allowed to legally cross the United States, but we go visit them every weekend. Despite that, there is no need to feel sorry for me because being considered an immigrant here in the United States coming from Mexico, I am constantly craving for a better future with the strive for higher education. The American Dream is not working on crop fields, but it is studying and building a more comfortable life for your family. I get frustrated whenever I hear my peers proudly shouting that they will go work on labor fields or oil rings after graduating from high school and knowing that they came to this country with the same desires as me, but not having this sense of achieving excellence by already having the keys in their hands. It even frustrates me more knowing the struggles that many of their parents had to go through to raise them here and for them not to take advantage of each opportunity put in front them.
I want and will make my parents proud of me.
ADD pg4/ln2
"To overcome the incidents, I sought refuge in education and I was determined to make my parents feel proud of me by showing them that all the sacrifices they have made are not, nor will be in vain."
When you say you were affected emotionally, socially, and academically, offer examples of these incidents. Then connect the way that seeking solace in education helped you overcome the same obstacles to your personal growth. Try to present any academic achievements that you may have accomplished along the way towards getting over the hump that you felt was keeping you down. the point of the essay is to create a balanced point of view between the obstacles you faced and the methods by which you overcame them in order to get to the point where you are now in your life. Your essay falls short in that sense and should be further developed in order to better present an image of you as a person, a student, and achiever.
