A scenario in which you have needed to show leadership, how you approach this and the outcomes of it

Please help me review my essay and lend me ideas on how to further improve it.

Demonstrate your potential for leadership

Question:
We want to know how you can demonstrate your potential for leadership. Tell us about a scenario in which you have needed to show leadership, how you approached this, and what the outcomes were.

My answer:

The desire to make positive impact as a good leader increased after I was opportune to secure undergraduate scholarship. As a student I discovered source of funding was a great challenge faced by most students I came in contact with even in the midst of a wide range of scholarship opportunities and grants available to students. This promoted me into making a deep research as to discover how to curb this challenge within my immediate environment. Through research which I conducted by direct conversation with some students, I was able to establish the problem being information bridge. Most students never knew of the existence of such opportunities, why some believed understanding the system was rocket science

Born out of this great urge to help, I assembled a team of like minds and fellow scholars during my third academic year to set up a group called Campus Scholars Connect with the aim of grooming students. I spearheaded this team and actively participated on mentoring programs, assisting and providing students with information on how to successfully secure scholarships and grants. I employed the technique of sharing my success stories and assisting in the scholarship registration process to reduce associated costs and motivate students too. To prevent much interference with academics as complained by one my team mate, guidelines and deadlines were set to ensure targets were achieved while still focused on studies and within a year of valuable input my team was able to successfully secure scholarship for two students.

I think your introduction is too long, it's like half of the essays itself, if half of the essay is the introduction, and half the body, then where is the conclusion.

I also believe the essay is too brief in general contest. Try and be elaborate about your leadership.
You din't even answer what the question say here is what I mean.
... you can (DEMONSTRATE) your potential for (LEADERSHIP). Tell us about a (SCENARIO) in which ..., how you (APPROACH) this, and what the (OUTCOMES) were.

I think if you have answered your CHEVENING LEADERSHIP AND INFLUENCE essay question well. This won't be a problem AT ALL.
that is what I think

Henry, this is absolutely a useless Chevening leadership and influencing essay. The scholarship program is looking for leaders and influencers in their current profession. Profession being the keyword here. I have no idea where you got the impression that a 2 page paragraph relating to your academic civic activity would qualify has a professional leadership and influencing essay. It simply won't. This essay will not even get you past the screening round. Look at the samples available here. Note how a majority of them always focus on their professional critical situation handling skills. Without the proof that you can lead and influence in your line of work, you are not displaying a useful and promising leadership and influencing ability essay.

Focus on your profession and develop an essay that depicts the development of your leadership and influencing skills based on a workplace scenario. That way you at least have a relevant professional presentation. If you find yourself as not being in a leadership position at work, then turn to a current community based organization that you have led through a notable activity at some point. An activity that had a community based positive impact would work best for you.

Thanks for your review but the essay is actually for Mastercard Foundation Scholarship not Chevening (sorry i failed to indicate), there was no specific reference as regards your career life and that's why I choose not to apply for Chevening cause I have a limited career experience.

@Duzaho Thanks too for your feedback.

Henry, regardless of whether it is for Chevening or Mastercard, you cannot use such academic based references as the response. You are a professional at this point. You are applying for a masters degree scholarship. Therefore, you need to indicate an experience at no less than 2 years old in a professional scenario. The scholarship requires you show leadership abilities. Though not indicated, a professional leadership ability is always required or implied because you are going to need to relate those skills to your interest in pursuing higher academic studies in relation to your career progression. Therefore, you still need professional leadership qualifications. MS courses always rely on professional not academic experience because it is expected that all applicants have a minimum of 2-5 years work experience in their chosen profession prior to applying for an MS scholarship or admission to a MS course in a university. The same review still applies to your current work.

An academic examples is weak. It doesn't show how you have developed your leadership skills at present. You are telling the reviewer that you had some amateur leadership experience which is good, if you were not up against applicants who will be using current profession based leadership examples. That is why I am telling you the essay is too simplistic and cannot accomplish the task of making you a competitive scholarship applicant. Your application will fall to the wayside when placed in direct comparison with more qualified applicants with current professional leadership skills.