PERSONAL STATEMENT GKS 2021 UNDERGRADUATE

Hi guys ? can you help me to revise my essay cause i thing there is a lot of wrong words
here's some points on personal statement should be included on the essay
-Motivations with which you apply for this program
-Family and Education background
-Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

-Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
-If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

PERSONAL STATEMENT

I am motivated to apply Global Korea Scholarship to see how science develop in Korea, especially in biology andandtechnology I think this program will give me a great chance to reach my dream.

One of the reasons I apply this scholarship is My Parents, they support me to join this program because they know this program would be so helpful for me to continue my study.

For the past three years I have been in the top three. Furthermore, I was chosen to follow sakuraexchange program in Japan, and it gaves me a meanungfullexperience and make me more determined to study abroad.

I have followed Chemistry competition province level and being top ten, from that experience I increase my confident to study and learn many things specially in science.

I really wish to get the scholarship through which I will have a chance to study in an excellent University and pave a road to my future career and accomplishment of my life goals. It will give me freedom to study without thinking about the future financial burden and relieving my parents from the stress of not being able to afford of my education.

At the end I would like to point out that I am determined to make the most out of the scholarship program. I believe that being a student in a prestigious University would not only empower my career development, but would give me the tools to utilize my full potentials.

You have only given the brainstorming information that you developed. This is nowhere near an academic essay that reflects the personal statement requirements of the GKS program for undergraduates. Let me outline the expansions for you:

Motivation: You have not given information about the course you want to pursue. Discuss the course you are interested in, how Korea has influenced this decision and what you look forward to experiencing in relation to your studies of this course in Korea. For example, if you are interested in architecture, then say you are motivated to study in Korea because of the ultra modern designs their architects are coming up with. Consider mentioning a notable Korean architect who may have been an influence upon you.

You totally forgot to discuss your family background. They need to learn something about your family and their influence on you. Discuss a little of the notable accomplishments of your parents that have made an impression on you and influenced your desire to become a success in this career you have chosen.

Expand on your education discussion. You don't really explain and depict any accomplishments in this aspect that can be considered of note to the reviewer. You need to make sure that you highlight your successes as a student and community member. The academic and extra curricular discussion practically go hand in hand and those are missing from your presentation.

Your work is severely lacking. It is incomplete to the point that it cannot be considered more than a brainstorm. It is nowhere near being a draft version of the essay you are expected to present.