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Personal statement for Korean government scholarship. (Civil engineering)

apriliyarosa 1 / 1  
Sep 2, 2020   #1
I need your help for proofread my essay. Thank you

Global Korean Scholarship application

My name is Apriliya Rosada, I graduated from SMK Negeri 2 Kendal in 2018. I live in a small town that has minimal infrastructure and is still dominated by rice fields. When I was 12 years old, I lived in Jakarta (the capital city of Indonesia) for a month. I realize that there are significant differences in infrastructure in rural areas and cities. During my time in Jakarta, I was very impressed by the skyscrapers. I am very curious about how to build a building that is so tall and has a shape that I think is very impressive. Surely it takes very good knowledge and skills to build a skyscraper. However, in the city there are a lot of problems that I encounter. The day-to-day congestion is getting worse and floods always occur during the rainy season. I want to be engineer who can solve that problem.

After graduating from junior high school, I continued my education to vocational-based schools. I want to focus on the area I want to study which is all things related to buildings. In the first year, I had a lot of problems drawing buildings. During my school years, I had never drawn a house and its construction and had to use certain rules. At first I had a hard time, but I tried to keep consulting the teacher every day and revising my drawings, so that I could get the best results. At the end of the semester, I got good grades in that subject. In the following year, to support learning drawing subjects with software, I took an AutoCAD course. I learned a lot of interesting things from this course and I learned new things that make me very excited. Therefore, I can use these skills during my internship.

I remember the first time I chose to go to a vocational school. My parents are very supportive of my decisions. At that time I was a little overwhelmed because I had never studied anything related to building and felt I would be at risk. But I was determined to graduate with the best grades. I managed to prove this and did not disappoint my parents.

I had an internship at a consulting firm in Semarang, a big city next to the small town where I live. At that time I had a little trouble because I had to live alone. This makes me independent and not always dependent on my parents. I did an internship for three months, although it was short, I gained a lot and learned new things. I meet people who work in the building and infrastructure sector. Meeting new people provides a new perspective on seeing and assessing things. I get a lot of criticism and suggestions, every day I always try to evaluate whatever I do. It has earned me good ratings from my intern supervisor.

The most unforgettable experience was when I got a project to renovate a small house in a densely populated neighborhood. I had to redesign the house, calculate the RAB, and analyze what methods would be used to rebuild the house. I always consulted with my internship supervisor and even though the feedback was not very good, I was proud of myself for wanting to try.

I was born in a family and environment that fully supports my education. They always support my activities such as courses and extracurricular activities. My parents were able to open job vacancies in my village and teach sewing skills. This inspires me to be able to contribute and provide benefits to the environment. In my spare time I teach the children in my neighborhood for free. At school, I also participated in a community of nature lovers who held volunteer activities to clean the beach and plant mangrove trees. These activities made my social skills increase and it triggered me to do even bigger things such as establishing a community engaged in education and the environment.

The thing that attracted me to Korean is the language. In 2015 my school held a student exchange. There are several students from Korea who come to our school. At that time I was interested in writing my name in Hangul letters. Even though I don't know the rules of writing properly, but I'm still excited. I became curious about Korean culture and learned Hangul letters. In the following year, students from Korea came back. I remember that time they sang a Korean song that I know. I am increasingly interested in things related to Korea, and after graduating I have the desire to continue my studies there. Korea is an Asian country with rapid technological development and a multitude of cultures. Korea is able to overcome various problems, especially in the field of civil engineering. They learned a lot from past mistakes and managed to find science and technology that was very useful in the development of civil engineering. Global Korean Scholarship is a very good opportunity for me. Through this program I can learn Korean language and culture and help me to achieve my dreams and goals which of course can be useful for Indonesia and Korea.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,528 3444  
Sep 2, 2020   #2
Your parent's background is not very clear in the paragraph that you wrote. You need to devote a paragraph to your family background. That means, you have to discuss the professional background of your parents and your personal relationship with them. That part, the personal relationship, comes across as shallow and not really notable in the essay. Perhaps because you did not clearly define the kind of parent-child relationship you have with them beyond influencing your ambitions in life.

You should develop a discussion paragraph that indicates how your interest in Civil Engineering came about. That is not very clear in your motivation statement. What were the events that led to your desire to become a civil engineer? How does it relate to your motivation to complete the course? Why do you think this is the career for you? How will it help you in the future? How will it help your country? The motivation needs to have a personal, social, and professional aspect.

Since your desire to enter vocational school is not founded on any activities that relate to building, what made you decide to take up that course? How did you fare in your classes? Why did you decide that, although your skills were not very good, you still wanted to pursue this as a career?

The essay is really very badly formatted. It suffers in quality because of the improper formatting of the information presented and the often irrelevant or weakly explained reasons in line with the prompts provided. Truth be told, this is not the type of quality essay that would make it past the first round of considerations. I strongly urge you to seek professional editing help for your paper. There is still time for you to do so.
OP apriliyarosa 1 / 1  
Sep 2, 2020   #3
Thank you for your advice. Tbh This is my first draft personal statement. I will think about your suggestions and make my essay better

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