Personal Statement about leadership and goals for scholarship

Question: Please provide a personal statement that explains why you are an exceptional candidate for the ... scholarship. Your statement must speak to your personal or professional goals, leadership skills, commitment to volunteer work and/or extracurricular activities. 3000 character limit.

'There is a time to let things happen, and a time to make things happen.' Quoted from Hugh Prather, an American writer.I have adopted this quotation as my motto in recent years, and it has mostly shown to be accurate in my life.

This quote was prevalent in my basketball journey where before, my basketball team was lacking a sense of community and everyone was acting independently. During practices, some people wore headphones, while others used their phones, some people even arrived to practice thirty minutes late. I've since realized that in order for this team to come close to doing anything, a change is necessary. And I have to be the one to initiate action.

I began asking simple questions that actually encourage a sense of community, such "What's your name?" and "How long have you been playing for?" Moreover, I started holding team meetings and pep talks before and after drills and games so that we could evaluate our performance. Our team finished second in the Ho Chi Minh City basketball championship as a result, and to my surprise, the more reserved players spoke up at the end and called a team meeting, illustrating the full scope of my influence in this situation. Even though I know I didn't have to, I can't help but feel bad about the amount of unrealized potential this team have. I used to let things happen, but these days I make things happen.

In my work as Head Student, the fallacy of waiting for the proper moment has helped me to see things more clearly. Our house finished third out of the four before Christmas 2023 because I let the pupils do their own work in the hopes that they would gain house points on their own without any encouragement, motivation, or awareness of events that qualify for house points. Following that, I assigned my student mentors the responsibility of organizing a weekly tutor quiz for house points and promoting Global Campus projects. We placed first in January 2024 as a result of the successful promotion of a culture of earning house points, particularly through assembly speeches and frequent form-time visits with students to strengthen our bonds.

I will keep reminding myself of this quotation since it will be useful in the future and help me achieve my career goal of working in the finance industry. I am excited to use what I have learned in this subject to my real life and am eager to continue learning by taking the initiative and acting without waiting for instructions. I can assist myself and businesses in gaining a better understanding of how the market and businesses function by conducting transparent and reliable information collection and analysis. While I'm willing to step outside of my comfort zone to grow as a person and as an organization, my interpersonal skills will be crucial in the social aspects of teamwork and meeting new people. One of my long-term goals is to launch my own company and become financially independent, and this will help me get there.

1) Does it address all parts of the question?
2) Are there any unnecessary parts?
3) What should I do to better improve it?

Any help would be greatly appreciated:)

There are 2 things that you need to revise in this essay. The first is the quotation and the second is the reference to basketball. Let me explain how this works.

You should not rely on a quotation from another person to introduce yourself in the essay. That is because the quotation does not accurately depict your personality or who you are in the presentation. You should be able to appropriately open the essay without relying on a crutch that does not explain anything about you, nor move the essay forward. Omit the essay. Try to develop a more interesting personal presentation.

As for basketball, you already discussed that in-depth in a previous essay with a more relevant prompt. So it will be best to avoid repetition in your essay. Reviewers are not impressed when the applicant repeats information in his responses. That tells them that you are limited in terms of experience relevant to your application.