Personal Statement- IELTS Scholarship; master degree in Distributed System

I amended my personal statement as you said

Can I send it now? , is there any other comment?what about the abbreviations?

I am interested in pursuing my master degree in Distributed System or (DS), an attractive subject in the Computer Science field.
This master program is relevant to my educational background , Bachelor degree in Information Technology or (IT) , and well aligned with my future career goals. It will enhance my in-depth knowledge and qualifications so that I will have the expertise that would assist me in both the business and the academic world.

During my undergraduate studies, DS topics attracted my attention towards computer networking and distributed systems. The course was well structured to provide us with a sound theoretical and practical knowledge and helped us gain a sound professional exposure through designing and implementing various practical applications in both computer networking and DS. Also after passing these courses I have gained superficial knowledge of the various topics in DS field like clustering, distributed programming, parallel and distributed computing and their methods used to solve the related problems in the related field like business, education, health, industry aerospace and many others. Also My graduation thesis, web based interactive medical system, was a practical project sponsored by the university's Research Affairs Department. In this project, I and my team not only solved theoretical problems of techniques to synchronize multiple data but also built an interactive medical system over distributed multimedia network. This project laid the foundation for my research career, by giving me the exposure of scientific research techniques and team coordination.

In addition to my educational background, I also possess a vast experience in diverse working environments. During the past year, I worked as the Computer Officer at The ministry Of Women Affairs. The responsibility of this position kept me abreast of the latest technology related to the internet and distributed system. Also working as a member of the teaching staff at computer department at both The Palestine Technical College and The Islamic University Of Gaza have gained me thriving knowledge and rich experience while teaching advanced computer modules of which are related to DS. Modules included Java programming Language (advanced topics), Computer networks. The applicability and the necessity of this field's techniques in a wide range of vital and critical fields have attracted me to pursue my post graduation degree in this field and enhance my career.

I am interested to pursuein pursuing my master degree in Distributed System or (DS), an attractive subject in the Computer Science field.
The master degreeThis masters program is relevant to my educational background , Bachelor degree in Information Technology or (IT) , and to the requirements to advance my career.well aligned with my future career goals.

hello dumi,
thak you for your valuable comments on the first paragraph in the personal statement. I will be pleased if you could comment on the remaining paragraphs.

thanks

The classroom lectures provided us with not only strong understanding about the subject knowledge, but also they equipped us with professional exposure through designing and implementing various practical applications for both computer networking and DS.

Also working as a member of the teaching staff at computer department at both The Palestine Technical College and The Islamic University Of Gaza have gainedenabled me to gain some me thriving knowledge and rich experience while teaching advanced computer modules of which are related to DS.

thanks pahan
please help my guys to revise the remaining parts. thank you for your assistance

hello dumi,
thak you for your valuable comments on the first paragraph in the personal statement. I will be pleased if you could comment on the remaining paragraphs.

thanks

I think there's no need to repeat things that are already implied. This is my suggestion;
During my undergraduate studies, DS topics attracted my attention towards computer networking and distributed systems.


.... this is not very clear :(
The course was well structured to provide us with a sound theoretical and practical knowledge and helped us gain a sound professional exposure through designing and implementing various practical applications in both computer networking and DS.