Dear all my name is Hana, I am currently preparing my supporting statement for Australia Awards Scholarship. Please kindly give me some insight into my essay and thanks in advance
WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PROPOSED COURSE AND INSTITUTION*?
(max 2000 characters)
I am applying for a master degree in public health with major or specialization in nutrition public health because it all started when in 2020 when I studied the profession of a pharmacist to get my legal certification as a pharmacist, I had the opportunity to do an internship at the Pujon health center, in Malang Regency. During my internship, I see the number of cases of young mothers who have anemia in their pregnancy and the number of babies born with low birth weight which further adds to my curiosity regarding nutrition problems that occur in the community. As we know today, pharmacist services are more patient-oriented and Pharmacists work in a variety of public settings such as hospitals, community health centers, drug stores, pharmaceutical industries, and so on. This large field of pharmacy work creates a large window opportunity to provide public health services. It might sounds unrelated to my major in pharmacy, but the fact is medicine is not the only substance that can improve health. Other than that nutrition also plays an important role to improve health. This is the reason why pharmacists need a better understanding of nutrition too. Also during this global pandemic, the number of malnutrition issues in Indonesia has increased because there are a lot of people losing their job and couldn't afford to buy and feed their kids with nutritious food. To support my goal, I choose The University of Queensland as my first priority because UQ offer master degree in public health with a specialization in nutrition public health. UQ is often ranked as one of Australia's best research universities and it is located in Brisbane with multicultural diversity, and also has the lowest cost of living in comparison with other Australian cities. Other than that, I choose Melbourne University because UniMelb also offer MPH with a nutrition politics and policy elective which resonates with my goal to improve Indonesian health quality through nutrition public health.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,923 3562
Wow! You were not being asked to give a total background of your interest in the course. The proposed course being asked about in the prompt is the course you have chosen to study at the university. Say the name of the course then explain its relevance to your career advancement based on your current career status and skills advancement requirements. You need to offer a detailed discussion of the course choice for each university and course. That means, you have to talk about 2 things:
- The reason you chose the course at the university
- Why you believe that this university and course answers your academic and work skills development requirement
As of now, you are giving a general discussion for the course choice based on your personal insight into a situation without relating it directly to the course choices and university considerations. The background should be based on work scenarios and not personal insight alone.
hi, Hanna. I suggest you take a little time to research the course structure of your study first. take a look at what course on your study that makes you interested regarding you background interest. then, you can make this course relevant to your study to support your skill development.
this should be your interest - problems/the needs-what course that provides the solution for your background problem.
Hi Hanna, I think the sentences in your essay are too long and complex. You might want to break some of them into 2-3 simpler statements. For example your opening statement could just be :
"I am applying for Master in Public Health (Nutrition major) following my previous internship experience in Pujon Health Center, Malang, 2020. I was still trying to get my legal pharmacist certification that time."
As of content, DA and Holt have said it better.