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gabrielasantos0 1 / -  
Jun 15, 2020   #1
Hello, everyone from EssayForum!
I am from Brazil and will apply for the next selection of the GKS Scholarship (Embassy Track) for graduate studies in International Studies.
My biggest concerns are the length of the essay, the conclusion (I think its weak, but I am without ideas about how to make stronger ), and concerning the content (I don't know if the experiences that I wrote are really relevant for the scholarship purpose).

Essay for scholarship in korea

Over recent years, there was an increase in the world's political complexity, especially because of a growing economic and social integration among nations. Therefore, the necessity for professionals that can offer a broad set analyze about the major issues revolving international relations also increased. Considering this, I wish to obtain a master's degree in International Studies as a complement of my bachelor's degree in Economics and two years of internship experience at the Brazilian Institute of Geographic and Statistics (IBGE).

Through my years in college, I have come to understand how the historical and financial reasons can influence not only the economic scenario, but the population welfare, peace, and security of a country as well. Additionally, in college, we learn that economics is actually about the allocation of scarce resources and how to prioritize the consumption of these resources, by collecting as much as possible statistical data to produce models that can provide answers about changes made in market conditions and governmental policies. In the end, I could apply all of my gained knowledge through an undergraduate thesis in which the theme included some of my greatest passions: South Korea's and China's culture, also, the relationship between the progress of education's indicators and economic growth. Through this assignment, I emerged in the educational history and economic trajectory of these countries and could analyze its data by using statistical analysis. This project gave me a great sense of realization, not only because it received a grade 9 out of 10, and it was one of the highest in our class, but especially due to the feeling of studying these remarkable cultures that I esteem and its particularities.

Supplementing my studies, I had the opportunity to put my knowledge in use through an internship as part of the Economic Activities Classification Department at the Brazilian Institute of Geographic and Statistics (IBGE). This division is mainly responsible for classifying all economic activities that will be part of the composition of the Gross Domestic Product of the country and other surveys. Essentially, I was responsible for updating and revising the equivalence between the national and the international classification codes of economic activities. Besides, I would assist in meetings with other divisions and gathered the needed information for international presentations given by the director and the coordinator of the department.

At first, it was difficult for me to speak straightforwardly with my internship supervisors about some of the inconsistencies in the classification method and also bring these finds at the meetings with other departments, additionally suggest implementations of a new approach in sorting the codes in the spreadsheet software. It could be an uncomfortable situation for my colleagues, considering that I was surrounded only by older male coworkers. Even though I did not want to be impolite, it was part of my assignment to find the mistakes and correct them, and my superiors were very comprehensive of my standing.

As a result of this experience, besides the professional gains, I could build even more my self-confidence and leadership. Being a first-generation university graduated, a young woman coming from a bad neighborhood, and from a family with financial problems; made me realize that only through effort on studies, along with work, I would progress from my original conditions. Therefore, the more responsibilities I received, the more courage and confidence I gained in my position.

In spite of the amazing time expended at IBGE, I already knew what my next step would be: An International Studies Master's Degree in Korea, as a Global Korea Scholarship scholar. In fact, I had the answer even before the beginning of the internship, and this goal helped me to be chosen according to my supervisors because they enjoyed my ambition. I started to delve into Korean culture, and to study by myself its language, in 2016. As a consequence, I discovery the Global Korea Scholarship through online research about the educational system of South Korea, and since then, I decided to apply to this scholarship. Apart from the self-taught study of the Korean Language, also I enrolled in a formal Korean Language Course in Institute Nam Ho Lee in 2019, an institution created by a Korean family based in Rio de Janeiro to promote South Korean culture in Brazil; besides, I will sign up for TOPIK 1 test when the test centers reopen after the pandemic.

It is possible to do plenty of arguments when reasoning regarding why Korea is the best-suited country for an International Studies Master's Degree, for instance, South Korea is one of the 'Champion Countries' for Global Educational First Initiative in accordance with the United Nations, an initiative that chooses educational leading nations to set an example to the rest of the world, Korea is seeking to build global citizenship by revising the national curriculum including essential notions of diversity and democratization, furthermore, education was a fundamental part of the socio-economic, as well as the political progress of the country; yet, the common features between Brazil and Korea are what intrigues me the most, the two countries suffered greatly economically, actually, in the 70s, the per capita income among the two was comparable.

I am confident that my experiences, both personally and professionally, and my esteem to the Korean culture are a good match with the Global Korea Scholarship intent, could contribute significantly to the program. A Master's in International Studies will open doors to the line of research that I desire to pursue, an expansion of my undergraduate thesis studies about how education can impact positively the countries relations and its economies. I hope to be selected because immerse myself in the Korean academic context and society is the opportunity I have always dreamed of.


I would like to thank everyone in advance for the help!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,686 4759  
Jun 16, 2020   #2
The essay does not have a natural voice. It sounds like you are trying very hard to impress the reviewer specially when speaking of the Korean connection with uour studies and why you decided to apply for the GKS. You need to make it sound like there was no other option for you but to apply to this program.

My suggestion is that you lengthen the discussion about your college paper that focused on Korea and China. This time, focus on the Korean aspect alone. Inform the reviewer about why you chose Korea for the paper. Then, go on to explain that it was this research that made you think of pursuing a masters in Korea. Explain the connection that led to this realization.

Having established that, insert a part that could indicate how you followed Korea's accomplishments in this field. What impressed you about it? Any parrallelism with Brazil? Did that strengthen your desire to study in Korea? Why? You can include the reference to the UN if you wish but change the content and tone. You sound like you are lecturing the reviewer instead of explaining to him.

The part about your experience with the Korean family should also be expanded to show how they could have influenced your desire to learn Hangul and become familiar with their culture. Take the opportunity to explain bow the scholarship will help you learn two things, the academic and cultural side. Create an idea as to how the double exposure will make you a better professional.

Your work experience is good but doesn't show a Korean connection. If the company will be an additional sppnsor for your studies. Then explaining that may help.

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