I strongly hope to be awarded this Scholarship to actualize my dream of enhancing myself

Benefits to home country for application for a commonwealth shared scholarship

I am at the verge of submitting an application for the above named scholarship. just to be sure of the statement I have provided, I would appreciate if the members of this forum would kindly review my piece and advice were adjustment can be made. thanks

The Commonwealth Scholarship

I have had to stop seeking for my national identification and health records a number of times, no thanks to the serious data situation currently plaguing Ghana. The use of a national database or a cloud service that will house all the records of a citizen right from birth has been an effort in futility by successive governments for many years. Consequently, this has drastically hindered the requisite records and other pertinent information needed to formulate national policies, and to conduct fraudulent-free elections within the country.

This lack of proper data collection is the biggest problem in Ghana needing urgent attention if Ghana hopes to achieve its vision 20-2020. Therefore, one of the ways I feel Ghana can solve this data problem is by exhibiting aggressive interest in employing in the development and the use of a synchronized data system throughout the whole nation.

This is the reason I am applying to be awarded a Commonwealth Shared Scholarship to pursue a master's degree in University of Aberdeen and adapt the knowledge in developing this sector.

The Ghanaian government faces a lot of pressures among which are; creating jobs for the unemployed, providing stable electricity, conducting a transparent election, formulating policies to enhance investments and economic growth in addition to its primary role of safeguarding lives and properties of citizens, these have made it increasingly difficult to focus on developing the data sector. Hence, this Scholarship will afford me the opportunity of being trained to act as a development catalyst in this sector by contributing acquired skills.

At conclusion of this course, I hope to have gained enough exposure and acquired the skills set needed to optimally harness the vast potentials of Information Technology resources in Ghana. This program will also increase my understanding of the development of Enterprise database and creation of software.

The skills and knowledge I shall gather will make it possible to enhance my professionalism on Information Technology matters and establish myself as an entrepreneur, specializing in the development of software particularly to health and Education sectors, making Information and Communication Technology (I.C.T) tools more accessible and sustainable for development across the country( a goal the Department for International Development seeks to achieve by 2030). The benefits of this will be an improved standard of living and a fast-track in achieving the I.C.T Africa Campaign of D.F.I.D.

The Commonwealth Scholarship Commission (C.S.C) can keep track of my involvements by maintaining close contact via email even after the award period. On my part, I shall willingly provide accurate information that will aid in gauging the impact I am making towards development. Furthermore, in the occasion that I am employed, the C.S.C is at liberty to seek information from my employer regarding my contribution in that sector.

I strongly hope to be awarded this Scholarship to actualize my dream of enhancing myself professionally and contributing to a better developed Ghana and Africa at large.

Objectives during the award;

Some specific objectives which i hope to achieve during the award period are;

1. To develop proficient technical and managerial skills set in software development with which to function effectively in the specific sector of my interest back in Ghana so as to enhance its development.

2. To contribute on my leadership skills and potentials so i can effectively take up key leadership and responsibility positions to influence better decisions or policy making in software related matters with the goal of encouraging more investment in this sector.

3. To develop an International Network of professionals to keep in touch with during the course of my life and career advancement prospect.

Career plans in 5 years following the award

In the five(5) years following the conclusion of this award, I shall strive utilize the skills, Knowledge and experience gained from this qualification as a young professional engineer to proffer solutions to Ghana's data problem, by harnessing the vast potentials of Information Technology resources. Because of the passion i have to see Ghana have proper Identification records, This plan would be of immense and immediate benefit to her in ensuring better economic and living standard. Within this period also, I will strive to build increased proficiency and professionalism in my chosen field of endeavor.

Long term career plans

After years of practicing and gaining professional expertise, I hope to venture into entrepreneurship by establishing an Information Technology (I.T) Solution Company with particular focus on software development and installation.

Additionally, I hope to engage in the training of young and aspiring individuals to serve as a transfer medium to enable them acquire such skills, Thereby empowering them in the process.

This would be my way of giving back to the society and ensuring sustainability of development in this sector.

Wow! Dennis you certainly went overboard with your writing. Your whole paper has a total of 785 words. I suggest that you cut down on the analysis of the problem in your country in order to bring the essay down to a more prompt adherent 500 words or less. You can start by removing the filler statement in your opening paragraph. Just go directly to the mention of the problem which is the lack of computerized records for citizens of Ghana. You don't need to over explain the problem, keep the word limit in mind at all times. If you revise the opening statement, you can bring the word count down to 699 words. Just rephrase the second paragraph to make it sound more like an opening statement rather than a continuation statement.

You can also omit the part that has you discussing the opportunity that the scholarship will afford you. That sounds like a common statement that doesn't really reflect the proper response to the prompt. That bring the essay down to 675 words. Now, since the scholarship foundation is not asking you to relate how they can follow up on your progress after you graduate, there is no need to mention that in the essay. Removing that reference will bring your word total down to 607 words. Remove the part about hoping to be award the scholarship since you should not be concluding the essay at that point yet. That means the essay becomes 580 words.

Now, you can reduce another 80 words to come out at 500 words if you rephrase your 5 year career plan. For starters, you don't need to offer a numerical and parenthetical version of the digit, you just have to choose whether you want to type out the word or use the number. Since this is a formal essay, opt to type out the word instead. Rather than presenting such a long winded but generalized statement in that portion, you should come up with a solid plan of action and present it in the essay. Just tell the reviewer what you wish to accomplish in that span of time and explain why you believe you can accomplish it. Keep track of your word count when you revise that part. These suggestions should help your essay become better focused on the task it was assigned to do and also help you to better meet the word count.