A quite, relaxing day has never been in the cards for me. My mind is always jumping around from idea to idea to satisfy an apparent fear of boredom. This energetic personality presented quite a challenge for my parents who tried desperately to prevent me from climbing the Christmas tree or running circles around the house. However, their efforts were to no avail...and thankfully so.
Serving as a springboard into many opportunities, my so-called "hyper-activity" as a child matured into self-motivation and an unshakable work ethic. Within my first two years at college, I made mom and dad proud of their little boy: leading a student organization, winning national collegiate awards, serving as the student government treasurer. There is no doubt that I have been very fortunate while at college.
However, this little boy has grown up and is starting to realize how hard life can become in an instant. Last December, my dad suddenly and tragically passed away. Leaving me fill in the gap the best I can to help my mother and sister. More aware of the hardships life brings, I remain as motivated as always to be successful, take care of my family, and continue to make my father proud. Everything I have is not result of my efforts alone, but also of what others have given me and taught me. My job is to be thankful for what I have, and do my best with the cards I am dealt.
"What do you all think?"
very awesome essay and sorry about your dads passing just that you made a grammatical error Leaving me fill it should be Leaving me to fill. I also love how your went from bringing out the positive out of a negative situation. goodluck
Hello,
Below you may find some corrections I have made to your essay. I hope this helps.
Try to give a more specific example here, since the ones you have provided are too broad. The grammar is good up to now.
However, this little boy has grown upTry to break this into two sentences. It delivers a stronger impact.andHe is starting to realize how hard life can become in an instant .For exampleLl ast December, my dad suddenly ...
Leaving me to fill in the gap the best I cancould to help my mother and sister.
... and do my best with the cards I am dealthave drawn .
Dalton, your first paragraph is a waste of valuable word count. It does nothing to advance the idea of your need or desire for this particular scholarship. With only 250 words, every word you type should matter towards considering you for the scholarship. That said, the second paragraph will be most effective at gaining the attention of the scholarship committee. However, you never really explain you need the scholarship or why this scholarship matters to you.
Use the next two paragraphs the develop the idea that (1.) you have exhausted all other means of financing , including student loans, but none will allow you to continue working to help support your family while you study. Hence the need for a scholarship. Then talk about (2.) Why you opted for this scholarship and how you see yourself benefiting from such a grant. Where will you use the money? How do you plan to advance the goals of the scholarship fund as a scholar student? In the end, how do you see yourself paying it forward after they help you out with your studies?
Basically, if you delete the first paragraph in total, then revise the way that you wrote the last 2 paragraphs, you should be able to come up with enough of a free word count to discuss the more important elements that I have pointed out above. I believe you have the potential to get this scholarship, but you need to make sure that you turn in a stellar response to this question first.
I believe in the first para, you want to express that you are very enthusiastic person. However, I think that the evidence is not strong. It just explains something around without showing the proofs for what you want to emphasize. Detail example, specially, in academic or volunteer field ,may be useful to make your para more reasonable
