Summarize what your proposed leadership activity is intended to achieve; internships dates, location

Endeavour Leadership Program Essay

Hi all, I am applying for Endeavour Scholarship and I would be very grateful if you guys read my essay and give comments to improve.

1. Please summarize, in words that can be understood by a person outside your field, details of your proposed leadership activity, why you chose your proposed host organization and what your proposed leadership activity is intended to achieve. Also provide details, including proposed dates and locations of any proposed fieldwork and/or internships. (300 words)

I chose to undertake my Master's degree in Agricultural science with a focus on Agribusiness at the University of Melbourne, Australia. Regarding the host institution, it was a straightforward choice as I deem Australia as the best place to study Agriculture because of its agricultural sector development and perhaps foremost that the University of Melbourne is one of the three universities offering Agribusiness courses for international students. From my research I learned that the University of Melbourne's course structure is focused on providing students with an in-depth education in agriculture and life science than other universities.

Since childhood, I have had a deep interest in agriculture and business sector as I grew up in a small entrepreneurial family in agricultural sector. Unfortunately, our family experienced severe loss and went bankruptcy due to many internal and external constraints. Like us, In Mongolia there are over 150,000 families that run small and medium businesses in agricultural sector including nomadic herders and they constantly face challenges such as harsh weather, lacking technological capacity, logistics and infrastructure limitations. Nonetheless and in spite of these hardships, agricultural sector still makes significant contributions to the overall economy. By pursuing my Master's degree in agricultural science specialized in agribusiness, I will be able to acquire complex knowledge of both agricultural and business sector and equipped with skills and abilities to apply these knowledge and experience I gain in my place of work. My ultimate goal of studying the proposed activity is to make even a little contribution to the development of the sector and assist those entrepreneurs to expand their business as much as I can.

The course involves completion of a 200 hours of work placement, integrating academic learning, employability skills and an improved knowledge of organizations and workplace culture in the final year of study.

This is one of the better developed Endeavor scholarship application essays I have read so far. You have managed to address all 3 aspects of the prompt in a relevant manner. Your choice of university is clear when one considers the reasons for your choice. However, you may want to consider adding some specific information as to how you expect the university to help you increase your knowledge in this field. Note any internship programs or leadership activities that students are asked to participate in as part of the reason that you opted to attend this university.

Don't start the second paragraph with "Since childhood", reviewers hate reading such exxagerations. Instead, you can start by saying "I grew up in a small..." because that directly ties in with the reasons for your interest in agribusiness and the logic behind the potential learning experience coming from your leadership activity. The rest of your explanation that ties your family business with the Mongolian farmer's problems makes this a very strong paragraph.

Your last paragraph is a problem though, you were not able to include the proposed dates and locations of your fieldwork / internships. These are required information for this essay so you need to get the information from the university as soon as you can. You may need to revise the early parts of your essay to fit all the required additional information within the word count. Trust me though, the additional content will only serve to increase the profile of your essay in the reviewer's eyes because it will be highly evident that you did your homework before applying for the scholarship. It will draw attention to your application.

Dear Holt,
I have almost finished writing my endeavour essays and can you please comment on following 4 essays?

One essay at one time, and in separate threads please (unless a continuation of a previous essay)