Hello, I am applying for a scholarship offered by a government agency, Urban Redevelopment Authority(URA). URA is mainly in charge of planning and developing the limited land available to our country, Singapore. This is my response to "Tell us why you apply for URA scholarship" section. Please tell me how I can improve the persuasiveness of my essay.
When I was small, I was constantly fascinated by the endless combinations of architecture that toy bricks could form. Slowly as I grew up, the simple fascination with the toy bricks became a deep interest in the design and layout of things, and how even simple additions like a road in an urban setting like Singapore can effect great conveniences or inconveniences.
In school, the interest in design allured me to actively take part in a spectrum of school events. Most unforgettably, in my secondary three year, I became a pioneer member of the school's nascent Entrepreneurship Programme. Handpicked to represent the programme's debut for the school's Open House, the heavy burden of detailing an experimental programme to the public and schoolmates fell on our shoulders. Eventually I gained great satisfaction in learning that I had made a contribution to the resounding reception that the Entreprenurship Programme booth received from the Open House visitors. The incident further strengthened my conviction that my true calling was the planning and development of projects, not because I had enjoyed the great feedbacks, but because of the fact that I had thoroughly enjoyed the process.
As a West Coast resident for almost 10 years, I have been the eyewitness for the vast changes in my area over the decade. From an isolated and quiet settlement to a bustling center offering multifarious lifestyles, all these changes could not have come without URA's effective urban planning and redevelopment.
As a result of my experiences, my resolve to make a difference has been strengthened. With the flurry of recent developments, like the opening of Harbourfront, Singapore has been a land of capricious changes. I, too, want to be part of the force enacting the changes for the benefits of Singapore's residents, thus comes my decision to apply for the prestigious URA scholarship.
Other than this, there are two more sections to be completed, chiefly "About Yourself" and "Any other relevant information". I am facing a dilemma of whether to shorten the content of my "Tell us why you apply for URA scholarship" essay, so as to include them in the two sections, or to write entirely new content, which unfortunately I think isn't plentiful given that I have already written a lot in my "Tell us why you apply for URA scholarship" essay. Please advise me on what to write if possible.
Regards
Hi, I really enjoyed your essay, here are a few suggestions.
Handpicked to represent the programme's debut for the school's Open House, the heavy burden of detailing an experimental programme to the public and schoolmates fell on our shoulders
I would go into more detail here of what you had to do in the detailing and the presentation. You mention later in your essay it was this process that makes you want to be a part of planning and development. As a reader then I would like to know what about this process you really enjoyed.
I would include more in your final paragraph and try to tie back in with when you were a small child. The ending of your essay makes it sound like the recent developments the URA are the only reasons why you want to apply for the scholarship. I, too, want to be part of the force enacting the changes for the benefits of Singapore's residents, thus comes my decision to apply for the prestigious URA scholarship.
You might want to change this to say something to the extend of "Since I was a small child playing with toy bricks I wanted to be part of a force that enacts changes to benefit the residents of Singapore and that is why I am applying for this scholarship."
I hope that helps
You need to throw a punch at the beginning of the essay. Catch the reader's attention with a bold sentences that expresses your main idea... something that feels inspired. That is how to throw a punch at the beginning.
also...
As a West Coast resident for almost 10 years, I have been the eyewitness for the vast changes in my area over the decade to _________ and _________. (name some instead of being vague).
I am facing a dilemma of whether to shorten the content of my "Tell us why you apply for URA scholarship" essay, so as to include them in the two sections, or to write entirely new content---No, no, your problem is the opposite. You do not have enough opportunities to really express what you want to do. If you go deep and consider your real goals and values, you will see that you need multiple opportunities to share with the reader your big idea.
When you have identified your real purpose, your real passion, you will be able to explain the SAME, single concept in many different ways, and you will WANT to have the chance to explain it in different ways.
