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Walk with me in this journey I call life. (Scholarship)


JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Apr 4, 2016   #1
Hello EssayForum team,

This is an essay for a small scholarship. I appreciate any thoughts or help.

Come. Follow me. Let me take you onto this journey that I call life. Come and let me show you how I have led my life for the past few months, and perhaps, it will impact your life in many ways. For a long time until the age of 24, I felt like I had no purpose in my life. I was working a full-time job, going to school part-time, living in my own apartment, and living my own life. Yet I didn't have a purpose. I didn't know where I was going. My days were filled with a dreadful, "Another day again." I didn't think that anything mattered anymore. I truly believe that many people feel this way because I have seen it with my very own eyes. I have seen it in my family, my friends, my classmates, and even in my coworkers. This painful yet dreadful desire to belong was unfulfilled and it was all around my life, choking me day by day, consuming all of me.

Stay with me, please?

It wasn't until last year in December when I finally realized my true purpose in life. I began writing a letter for a scholarship, and it was the most painful and dreadful thing I had ever done. I had never written anything about myself before. I had never told anyone my story; because I myself wasn't proud or didn't think my story was any better than my drunken neighbor's story. Writing about myself awoke this feeling throughout my whole body. It awoke my brain. It ignited my life, because then, I began to see what I had done in my life. I began to notice the good things I had accomplished. I began to see a young independent man who moved out at the age of 18 in search for his purpose in life, a young adult that had become financially responsible and that never acquired any debt, a man that was respected by his peers and coworkers, a man that was a leader in his workplace, a man that was a leader in his community, a man that helped his classmates achieve success by tutoring them for long hours, and a man that loved his teachers and valued education. I saw that man in me. I saw someone new that I had never met before.

As soon as I began having those realizations, my life has changed completely. Not only did I begin to feel more proud and confident of myself, but also I began to change my outlook on life. I began seeking help from self-help books that taught me how to think positive. I began reading more and more and began to change my wardrobe. I shaved my bum beard off. I began to smile daily before leaving the house. I began to inspire others around me by infecting them with my positivity.

I began to follow my dreams. I began to believe in myself

Walk with me in this journey I call life.

halinh123 - / 2  
Apr 4, 2016   #2
Ok, so what is your purpose in life actually?
Your essay is talk about your purpose I guess, but I can not find your purpose in the whole essay. In the essay, you talked about you before you have a purpose and the moment when you realized that you have a purpose in your life, and it makes you think positive, etc. But you forgot to mention what your purpose is, why, and how it inspires you. I think that should be the core of your essay.
abbukanithi 2 / 5  
Apr 6, 2016   #3
Hi Juan,

The essay is very good and properly written but I found 2 small mistakes in your essay.

1)Come. Follow me. Let me take you onto this journey that I call life. ( on )

2)... man who moved out at the age of 18 in search for his purpose in life, [...] never acquired any debt (search of his purpose in life)

Apart from these mistakes I have some suggestions which you can change:

I didn't think that anything mattered anymore. (instead of mattered you can use meant )
I began to inspire others around me by infecting them with my positivity. ( affecting

The formation of the essay,the content all is excellent.Please before submitting the essay work on Vocabulary.You can use better words in the essay in many places.One suggestion is to use grammarly where you can know what all mistakes you have made.

It was pleasure working with you Juan.


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