Writing a detailed study plan / future plan

Hi guys! I have written a draft for my study plan, but it seems a bit incomplete. Thank you for the time you are taking to review my essay!

Here is the prompt:
1.Study plan - goal of study, title or subject of research, detailed study plan.
2.Future plan - plan in Korea or another country after studying in Korea.

Here it is:

Goal of study

We are hustlers. We pride ourselves in this identity. It is also a sort of motivation to live, but I think that is part of the problem. Everyone is in the race for themselves. It's called getting a share(MY share) of the national cake. Every problem I can think of that we have (as a country) stems from this. It is this mindset I'd like to change.

Growing up, when I thought about South Korea, I thought about her in relation to the DMZ and the cease fire agreement, but around 2011, my perception began to shift . Suddenly, Korea became a country with beautiful cities, the fastest internet in the world and technological advances.

It isn't just in my mind this shift occurred in, but also in the minds of millions of people evidenced by the increasing number of people trooping into Korea yearly. I believe the media has/had a huge role in making that happen. It is this role I'd like to study.

Title or subject of research

My research will use the qualitative method. I aim to understand how the media has influenced perception of Korea and the methods by which the media strategy used by Korea can be adapted for use by other countries.

In this research, I intend to focus on industry insiders, influencers, leaders,basically all the people behind the scenes as research has shown that the success or failure of the industry hinges on them . I intend to understand if the success of the industry was planned or unplanned. I plan to include a detailed narrative of responses given by foreigners that are/have been attracted to Korea.

By the end of my research, I intend to have answered questions like, what was the big idea/goal and vision behind the branding of the Korean media. What identity and message was pushed. How is/was the identity re-inforced. Who was the target audience. How was the need for the product created/influenced etc. I intend to have a basic adaptable plan of how media can be used to influence perception/ mindset.

Detailed Study Plan

My very first year in Korea will be all about learning Korean and getting adjusted in Korea. I am excited about this since I already have an interest in the korean language.

In my first school year, I will focus mainly on familiarizing myself with the basics of media and communications. I do not have a background in media and communications, so I plan to learn the basics through personal study and extra classes in addition to the necessary course work. I believe this is necessary to acquire the knowledge I need to carry out a good research.

My 2nd year is where I plan to enter the media industry to observe and meet all the people necessary for my research. It is this year I also intend to finish all my course work.

My decision to study in Korea was not only hinged on research, but also getting an open mind. I believe an open mind is a necessary requirement for success, so I intend to take advantage of the opportunity given to fully immerse myself in my environment.

Future Plan

After my study in Korea, I intend to work for 2-3 more years. The reason for this is, media industries are notorious for being hard to conquer and while I believe I will acquire the necessary materials for my research and form a basic plan in the given time, I also believe that extra understudy needs to be done to fine tune my plan and make it as exhaustive as it can be. I believe the knowledge I have gotten during my masters will put me in a better position to understand the intricacies of the industry and thus improve my work. As a person of African heritage, I believe that I can bring with me insight that can help the media industry better understand the African audience if/when they do decide to expand to Africa.

After this period, I intend to return to my country where I will enter the media industry. I will begin to implement my plan in areas I have jurisdiction and gradually expand implementation as I climb the ladder.

Tracy, you have taken a hugely informal tone in the writing of this essay. It does not show a lot of respect towards the reviewer. You do know that Koreans are very big on respecting people in authority right? This essay doesn't really display that much respect. It is too relaxed and casual. Always remember to show respect towards the reader and be academic at all times. The KGSP essays are all formally written and do not take the same liberties as the western university applications allow for certain prompts.

Don't divide your essay into sections as you have now. You need to present the essay as a free flowing but interconnected series of discussion points. That means, you need to include transition sentences at the end of your paragraphs in order to prepare your reader for the upcoming change in discussion topic.

Your goal of study is unclear. I think this is because you spent too much time trying to make it seem like the course you are interested in is something that comes very easy to you. Focus more on presenting the explanation regarding the goal of your studies and why these goals are important to you and your career. The introduction you wrote doesn't help you achieve that. In fact, your presentation of your study goals are not impressive nor informative at all. Focus on the purpose of the study goal. Don't talk about how we are all hustlers and stuff like that. Think of the title of your research proposal, the thesis statement it wishes to respond to, and what you hope the outcome of that research will be instead.

As for the detailed study plan, start with your second year in Korea instead. Assume that you passed the TOPIK qualifying exam so you were allowed to continue with your studies in Korea. Delve on a discussion that explains how you will use the opportunity to create industry networks that will help you complete your research studies and also allow you to create contacts that could help you improve the entertainment industry in your own country upon your return.

For your future plans, don't be so negative in your discussion. Discuss instead, how you plan to gain full employment in Korea for 3-5 years in order to add to your training. Explain why you believe that this period of employment is important to your future plans upon your return to Africa. Don't call it "understudy" because you will have completed your studies by then.

@Holt Yes, I am aware of the formalities of Korean culture. I didn't mean to sound informal. I will consider all your corrections and re-write. Thank you again for your time!