Hello!
I've spent weeks on this essay, but I decided to rewrite my essay because I realized I didn't follow the prompt. Critique and revisions are welcomed! :)
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Home for me is a quaint house sitting on a lively suburb. Residing in that house are my mother, father, grandmother, and me. Because my dad needs to work to support the household, only my mother and grandmother are there to raise me.
My grandmother took care of me since the day I was born. I spent most of my days with her in my childhood, and one of the things that she introduced to me was a Chinese abacus. I was fascinated with it, so I decided to make one out of an old shoebox and a variety of colorful beads. My grandmother lent me a hand in making it. In the end, I had a multicolored abacus resting in my hands. She taught me how to use it to calculate simple addition and subtraction problems. My mother saw me fiddling with it and was intrigued with how much I liked to count. Hence, she let me count the extra change she received after each grocery trip. During Christmas, she presented me a pack of plastic coins to play with.
Dealing with money as a child led to me recognizing how important it was. It kept us in a sheltered home, gave us food, gave us entertainment, and even gave us certain luxuries. Calculating it only gave me an incentive to excel in mathematics because I understood how much of an impact money has on an individual. Fortunately, math was my mother's strong point; she pushed me into studying harder while helping me at the same time. She bought me practice booklets and even ordered books from China in order to re-teach herself the concepts she could not recall. Her determination to improve my mathematical understanding strengthened my desire to learn the material.
Seeing how much my family wanted me to achieve a good education and eventually a successful career, I had enough fuel to keep me going through school. I wanted to show gratitude to them for their support by becoming someone who is able to not only assist people financially, but to lead them to success. That was the spark to my wanting to become someone organizing and assisting people in order to push them to a flourishing future. A person such as an accountant or a public health official is able to organize tasks or policies to help society. Achieving a higher education will facilitate me in earning a career similar to those.
With anticipation of a hopeful future, I hope to manage the improvement of the general public. I may generate more "plastic coins" to give to others and sway them to a better tomorrow.
Hello, nice job! I would like to have you add one sentence to the first paragraph:
Right here, add an introductory sentence that sums up the truth of the essay. Residing in a quaint house that sits on a lively suburb are my mother, father, grandmother, and me. Because my dad needs to work to support the household, only my mother and grandmother are here to raise me. Add one more sentence to tell the reader that your early experience with money and numbers inspired you to seek mastery of economics.
With a good foundation paragraph (above), your pleasant writing style will be put to its best use throughout the essay. Them, connect the closing paragraph with something that you mentioned in the opening paragraph. Good luck!!
Kevin
