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"Sweeping away fear" - UC Prompt 1 & "Discovering a new hobby" - UC Prompt 2

hoanan 2 / 4  
Nov 27, 2011   #1
Hello! Can you guys help me revise my essay? I know it is quite long, but I need help in shortening it. The deadline is this Wednesday and I want to turn it on time. Any criticism and suggestions would be very helpful as well. I will greatly appreciate it! thankyou so much for the help! :)

Prompt#1 :
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

It was the beginning of my sophomore year in high school. I knew that advancing to the next level was going to be another step in my life. During the first few days of school, my classes went by normally and the teachers were the same, but there was one teacher that was different from the previous teachers that I have seen.

I entered my English honors class and the setting was just like any other classroom, except the rows of desks were split in half, facing towards each other. It looked like two sides of an army face-to-face on opposite sides. I was faced with a few friends and unknown peers on the other side. There was a big narrow space in the middle and right down the aisle, behind a podium, stood my English teacher. She was lean and looked quite a lot older. She had a smile on her face and felt eager to start the class. The atmosphere of the classroom felt normal and she seemed just like my other teachers. I felt I was going to do well in the class. It was the second day being in the class, and a poem essay was assigned, which was to be due the next day. However, being absentminded that I am, I completely forgotten about the essay. Thinking that my teacher was going to give me an extra day, she gave me a stern look and said "No late papers and excuses." I kept that in mind. However, as the year progressed, my teacher has become stricter and the class has become much more difficult. I realize my teacher was teaching at a college based level. I kept missing assignments, due to procrastination and balancing my work with other classes. My teacher had an after school session, and I have stayed there until night keeping up with my work.

One day, I came face-to-face with my teacher as she edited my first essay. She seemed different than what I thought she was the first day. She was filled with a strict and stern expression. She would burst out remarks upon how poorly I written. The school year progressed and my teacher would burst out more remarks when I answered wrongly to a question or if I was not acting well in a small skit. My classroom peers would look in my direction and I felt embarrassed because they seemed like intellectuals to me and I felt like an outsider. Each day, I felt weak upon entering my class, afraid to face my teacher and embarrassed to face my classmates. Being a sensitive person, I felt a deep anguish and a feeling of cowardice. I found that I was not progressing well in class. I came to the realization that I needed to stand up and improve myself. Whenever my teacher made outburst remark, it boosted me courage to control my weakness and became stronger.

My teacher and my surrounding in the class has impacted my life in a way that I have became more courageous. I never had a teacher who yelled at me for the mistakes I made even if I seemed like a person that has not committed anything wrong, but I learned to be more confident in myself and face the harsh reality. I learned that failure leads to nowhere. Failure pushes me to strive harder for whatever lays ahead. As I reflect back, I remind myself everyday to stay positive and keep a firm determination.

Prompt #2:
"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"

I sat in my desk, shrouded with books, supplies, and a big screen in front of me. There was a framed bed next to me and a clock. I was enclosed in my room, sitting on my desk, fiddling with my laptop and eating ramen noodle. This became my hobby when I had nothing else to do, so I repeated this from time-to-time. On weekdays, my mom would come home, tired from work and asked me what did I do in my spare time at home. Whenever I replied with " nothing much, just ate and went on the internet," she had a look of disappointment in me.

One morning day, as my mom drove me to school, my mom told me sternly, "What are you doing in your room all day? It is not good for you, you need to be more active." She told me to define what active means, and with a doubt, I replied with no answer. I pondered on this question daily. Then one day, as I was driven to school and nearing a stop light, I saw a small printer paper sign attached to a pole, which read, "Interact club" with a small recycle sign around it. I decided I need to do something rather than lazing in my room all day, so I signed up for the club and my life began to change.

It was a Saturday morning, and I attended the first volunteer event. As I was assigned to set up chairs and tables, I felt I wanted to go home instead of doing this task and be on my laptop. However, seeing other volunteers around me helping, I did not want to disappointment them, just as I had disappointed my mom. As the day progressed, I have actually found myself enjoying my volunteer work. There were laughter amongst people and entertainment. This event gave me a chance to meet new people and interact with them. This felt different than when I stayed at home. At home felt like a prison, but I was released from that prison and entered out into the open. I felt stressed as I came home from the event, but my mom had a smile on her face.

I learned that there is much more opportunities outside my enclosed room. Never did I felt more proud and spirited joining hand-to-hand with others in helping out the environment. I discovered a new hobby, which was no longer staying on my laptop all day, but getting involved with the environment. I acquired skills in how to get involved in the community and became more sociable.
AnonymousWriter 2 / 12  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
Prompt 2: Try focusing more on what your talents are. Try emphasizing your accomplishment in the first paragraph.
Your essay pretty much talks about your laziness on the computer all day. Only the last 1 1/2 paragraph talks about your talent in small details. Try to structure your it so that the whole essay talks about your experience.
polk540 5 / 16  
Nov 27, 2011   #3
college preparation sites recommend applicants to UC to write with detail for the first essay.
So good job on your experience description.
OP hoanan 2 / 4  
Nov 27, 2011   #4
Thankyou so much for the help you guys. I will start revising my second prompt. However, I was wondering, is there anything wrong with my first prompt?
OP hoanan 2 / 4  
Nov 28, 2011   #5
Ok, I had rewritten my second prompt. (Please disregard my 1nd prompt above) Can you guys help me on this as well? Thankyou so much for your feedbacks! :)

Prompt #2:
"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"

Traveling between home, school, and hanging out with my friends daily is just like any average teen. This has become my daily habit and I felt I needed to try something new. As I was driven to school one day, I saw a small printer paper with a recycle sign enclosed around it attached to a pole, which read "Interact Club." I was curious to find out what Interact Club was all about, so I joined my first club meeting. I was met by friendly smiles as the president, vice president, and secretary welcomed everyone and they gave an informative explanation of what Interact Club was all about. The head of the club said aloud, "Interact Club is about helping out with the community, and you are not doing this for the money, but doing this to feel good about yourself." I thought it was interesting, so I stayed.

The first event was volunteering at a performance center. The area was crowded with people, dining in each table and they were engaged towards the performance stage. I was assigned to serve the audience their food and I felt a rush of adrenaline inside of me. Whenever my family and I visit a variety of restaurant, it was common that our porridge of food was being served to us by the waitress and that day, I was in their shoes. I did not want to turn down this task and become a quitter, so I began wandering around the dining tables.

At the first table, I stood firm and took order. I went around several times and found that it was not as scary as I thought. The audience had a big smile on their faces as they watched performers on stage and commented how splendid the event was put together. My adrenaline faded and I found myself interacting with the audience. The event was filled with diverse cultures and many people from diverse backgrounds showcased their talents. They were enjoying the event and I found myself having a great time as well. This event gave me an opportunity to meet a diversity of people and I felt part of the community. Never did I felt more proud and spirited joining hand-to-hand with others in helping out the environment.

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