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My ability to quietly influence others. UBC Personal Profile Question

sagedragon 1 / -  
Jan 15, 2018   #1
Hello, I wrote this for one of my prompts given for this years Personal Profile. Any advice is appreciated! :)

Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

I'm good at solving puzzles

I am a second-generation Chinese-Canadian and was born in Vancouver with a passion for tennis and solving puzzles. My family (parents, younger sister, grandma, uncle) live in Coquitlam. I treasure a lot my close relationship with my grandmother, who keeps me educated on Chinese traditions. My passion for tennis was developed further by training a few years with the Coquitlam Tennis Club. I have participated in tournaments, meeting peers along the way, and learning the importance of team work. My passion for solving puzzles has included focussed efforts on solving different versions the Rubik's cube

Most recently, I went to New York for Christmas and New Year's with five of my friends and experienced the storm that went through the area in the first week of January. For most of us, this was the first ever trip by ourselves for an extended period. The storm resulted in a cancelled flight, and staying overnight at John F. Kennedy airport through a 20-hour delay on the re-booked flight. I was most proud of how we were able to handle the situation with patience and calm-not only for ourselves, but also showing our parents of our ability to handle unexpected situations.

Most people would describe me as having the ability to quietly influence others. I enjoy working with younger children and being able to connect with them through leading games or helping them with solving puzzles is something that I am proud of.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,832 2627  
Jan 15, 2018   #2
Kevin, you are not responding to the prompt requirements at all. You are delivering a short family history instead of a perspective on who you are as a person, based on information coming from other sources. The sources in this instance being your family, friends, and community members (either academic or at a volunteer organization). The first half of this essay is based on a third person point of view with only the last part, about your achievement coming from a first person point of view. However, the achievement will be better presented if it is in accordance with the point of view about you by one or all of the parties involved in the analysis of your personality and character. None of these elements are represented in your essay so you will need to develop a new one that directly represents each of the people indicated in the prompt.
agustina 1 / 2  
Jan 17, 2018   #3
hai sagedragon,

overall when I read your writing, it is closely related to your hobby not personal description as really you are... you can add about deeply personality also character

never give up and make it better

help me with my essay duty... thank you

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