I would appreciate if you guys can give me advice on my sentence structure, grammar, word choice, how I can shorten it, and overall, if you think this essay gets its point across.
From Brown:
Please respond to one of the following essay topics: A, B, or C. We prefer that you limit your response to 500 words maximum, and that you avoid repeating the essay submitted for the Common Application.
A. What is the best piece of advice you've ever been given, and why?
My parents have a penchant for inviting guests over when I least expect it; at this particular time it was when I was fast asleep on a warm summer morning, trying to restore the number of hours I lost during the school year. I was woken up at eleven in the morning by incessant laughter; it was a man's laughter but I could not identify him. Soon enough I could hear my mother and this man walking up the stairs, I knew for sure that she was giving a tour of our new home, and that they would unwelcomingly intrude on my slumber. As my bedroom door creaked open, I heard my mother and the man walk in; I slowly turned my head to the side to face them; as my eyes were still heavy I could make out an image of my mother and the man all dressed in black, with thick-framed glasses and wavy black hair who said, "Hello Nabid!" My mother told me that this man was my uncle; I greeted him while basking in the sheer awkwardness of this introduction.
As I dragged my feet down the stairs for breakfast, I could hear my uncle's characteristic laughter emanating from the kitchen table. My mother and he were talking about his wife, who was my mother's sister who she hasn't seen in a long time and is currently living in Bangladesh. I sat down next to my uncle while eating a bowl of cereal. I began to converse with him, he asked me many questions "What do you want to study?" "What videogames do you like?" "What movies have you seen?" all while staring at my face the whole time, cigarette in hand. "Could this day get any more awkward?" I thought. It was almost as if he was interrogating me on my personal life. Or was it just because I was acting insecure and unopen?
My uncle gave me a worthy piece of advice deep into our conversation. "You have to be able to talk" That might have seemed superficial at face-value; but I knew what he meant; before he noticed I was a really shy person judging by my idiosyncrasies: my 2-3 word replies and me fidgeting with my bowl of cereal. So after he said that I decided to be the one asking questions and learning more about the other. I asked him where he went to school, what his house is like in Bangladesh, and what his career is like. I found out that he earned his Master of Business Administration degree at Oxford University and that he owned various apartment and office buildings in London, Indonesia, China, and Bangladesh. It was shocking to discover that there was an Oxford man sitting in my house, smoking a cigarette and talking to me. But then I realized I would have never gotten this man's personal history or the delight on conversation without mustering up the confidence "to talk".
My uncle's two cents is what gave me this newfound confidence to meet new people and hold meaningful and pleasant conversations with them; even with people that I normally wouldn't be hanging around with, such as the adults that work in my library, the patrons that I aid, or the teachers at my high school. The fact of the matter is, we live in a technology/internet based society; more and more young people are losing this ability "to talk". At Brown, I sincerely believe that being friendly and open through conversation has the power for me to develop strong understandings between different people and enable me to experience multiple opportunities through meeting various people.
First off, I thought it was weird that you never introduced your uncles name. At the end of the first paragraph you may say My mother told me that this man was my uncle (name)
My mother and he were talking about his wife, who was my mother's sister who she hasn't seen in a long time and is currently living in Bangladesh.
-Run on... I would write "My mother and uncle (uncle's name) were talking about his wife, my mother's sister, who lived in Bangladesh. My mother has not seen her in a long time.
Or was it just because I was acting insecure and unopen?
-You may not want to start a sentence with "or". I would revise it to simply "Perhaps it was because I was acting insecure."
It is a good start and good topic. With a revision or two and it'll be golden!
If you wouldn't mind, would you please read my essay and offer some advice?
they would unwelcomingly intrude on my slumber.
ahahahhahaha, very cool sentence...
basking in the sheer awkwardness --I don't think we bask in awkwardness. Bask = enjoy
I have an interesting disagreement to make! I do not think it is wrong to exclude the name. Is the name really important? I know of at least 20 excellent stories that leave main characters unnamed, because the name is not important.
Missing a period here:
"You have to be able to talk" That might
"You have to be able to talk." That might...
:-)
