if you edit mine ill edit yours
Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?
From more than 3000 colleges in the United States and many more in Europe, I picked University of Pennsylvania for apparent reasons. Its outstanding academic programs, the wealth of opportunities on campus, and the setting appealed to me and played a significant role in my decision. The main reason University of Pennsylvania is my top choice, however, is the great people teaching and studying at, as well as administrating University of Pennsylvania.
University of Pennsylvania's faculty has a reputation of being exceptional in terms of interest rating, accessibility, as well as personality. Undoubtedly, an education at the University of Pennsylvania is very challenging. Consequently, I highly value great professors who help one reach one's full potential. Furthermore, reviews about the University of Pennsylvania revealed that the administration cares about its students to a great extent. This is reflected in the smooth application process, numerous activities and events, great on campus food as well as beautiful dorms. Being as far away from home as I will be, I will greatly appreciate University of Pennsylvania's caring environment which I consider invaluable. I am certain that such an atmosphere stimulates the students academically and socially. Additionally, I like the fact that the University of Pennsylvania is a very athletic school and that most students participate in on campus events. The Table Tennis club will be one of my extracurricular activities that I will participate in. To me, it seems, as if everyone at the University of Pennsylvania is willing to do their share in order to contribute to the common good, which appeals to me.
As I have mentioned before the University of Pennsylvania offers a wealth of opportunities for me. This includes not only the Table Tennis club, but also the Penn International Business Volunteers (PIBV), because I think that we should not exploit developing countries. In my opinion we should help them to build an infrastructure and a long-term plan to improve their situation.
The new, innovative techniques used by the Wharton School of Business please me as well. Through a Wharton Bachelor of Science in Economics, I will be able to focus on the application of business methods and theories. The fact that Wharton is not limited to the bounds of a normal business school offers me the opportunity concentrate on management.
During the JUNIOR program I realized that I have a strong desire to handle money. Through this experience and through my own business I knew that dealing with money was the concentration to look for. A concentration in finance goes hand-in-hand with a concentration in management, because whatever you are going to manage it involves someone's finance one way or another.
All of these reasons convinced me that the University of Pennsylvania is the place to go. I would love to become a member of the exceptional community - the "UPenn Family" - and contribute as much to it as I would, undoubtedly, benefit from an education at your college.
You use transitions like "furthermore" and "consequently" too much. This makes your essay sound very dry. You need to grab the readers attention and make your essay stand out. You are a good writer, but you need to stay away from simply reciting the reasons why you want to go to UPenn. Also you should explain what the JUNIOR program is because without a discription of what it is the link between the program and your interests.
