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Acceptance of a small town girl going to a university



Rutgersgrl 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2010   #1
Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.

Narrow-minded, snobby, and selfish; these are just a few of the words one might use to describe a young girl attending a private catholic school in a wealthy town. Although I have attended private school my whole life, I have never lived up to those names.

From pre-school to senior year of high school, I have attended private catholic schools. Class room size was never more than fifteen students and everyone knew each other. We all practiced the same religion, and both schools were predominantly white. The majority of my friends and classmates were wealthy. They lived in beautiful large homes and wore high end designer clothes.

On the outside looking in, one might think that we were all the same. But that was not the case because I, on the other hand,lived in a relatively small house and bought my clothes at discount stores. My parents both work full time so that my two sisters and I could attend private school. One thing I've learned is acceptance.

Both schools had their cliques. If you were not accepted into a certain group, you were ostracized and considered uncool. Because I know what it' s like to not exactly fit in, I would make an extra effort to befriend and include those who were shunned by the others. My classmates took note of how much I really cared about them and rewarded me by nominating me for class president in eighth grade, and homeroom representative in high school.

Material items were of major importance to many. If you weren't wearing designer clothing, people would almost look down upon you for it. The girls would ask "Stephanie, did you see Hermes new scarf collection." My only response would be to stare blankly and ask "who's that?" They would laugh at me, but in reality I was the one who should have been laughing at them. While they were concerned about scarfs, I was concerned with whether or not my mom would be able to eat dinner with us tonight, or if she would be working really late again. Hand bags, wallets, and scarves meant nothing to me compared to my family.

Going to private catholic school all my life has not only taught me to accept others, but it taught me how to work hard. I have received an excellent education that will be with me for the rest of my life. I have learned time management, and to never do anything last minute. It also taught me that there is more to life than the four walls of a class room, and to be involved in something. Since I am very outgoing I have not only learned in school but also from the many different clubs and activities I have joined over the years. From a club as simple as baking club, I have learned that my artistic abilities don't just have to be on a piece of paper. I am willing to join clubs to meet new people and to learn something new.

After attending two small schools I am now eager for something more. I want to situate myself in a whole new environment with people of all different backgrounds, races, and religions. That is why I chose to apply to Rutgers University. I know Rutgers will not only give me a good education, but also diversity that I am looking forward to experiencing.

auds 2 / 40  
Nov 26, 2010   #2
Just a small town girl living in a lonely worlddd!!!!!!! lol okay now down to business. :)

each others

so everyone knew each other.

We all practice the same religion, and both schools were predominantly white. The majority of my friends and classmates were wealthy. They lived in beautiful large homes and wore high end designer clothes.

Okay so in these sentences your stating all the traits that your classmates shared. I suggest saying along the lines of "on the outside looking in, you might think that were all the same, mirrors of each other because we all practice the same religion, but that's far fro, the truth"....or something like that. Then you should start listing those things because their the opposite of what you are.

One thing I've learned is acceptance. My parents and my own experiences have taught me to accept others for who they are.

So this sentence here is kind of abrupt. You really didn't build enough evidence to show how you learned acceptance. You should give an example of how the wealthy rich kids in your school act. Such as, are they unappreciative?? From there, then you should state how after years of dealing with them you learned accepting people for who they are.

After this I am now eager for something more. I want to situate myself in a whole new environment with people of all different bbackgrounds , races, and religions. That is why I chose to apply to Rutgers University. I know Rutgers will not only give me a good education, but also diversity.

I get the feeling that the only reason you want to go to Rutgers is because they have a lot of diversity. Just so you know, all universities offer this, so you need something more than just diversity and education. State how your experience fro attending private catholic schools taught you x, y and z and now you want to take the skills that you learned them and apply them to a culturally rich and diverse university where you can learn so much more etc.

....and BAM sugar and spice. Hope I gave you some ideas :)
auds 2 / 40  
Nov 28, 2010   #3
Yeah I think this is great actually. I really can't find anything wrong with it. I would add just a little bit more detail and change some of your wording a little bit so it would sound more mature. Other than that, great essay!!!!!!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 8, 2010   #4
Capitalize Catholic.

You did a great job with this! If you want to improve it, I think you should find a place in the essay to answer their question explicitly: I would contribute ________, _______, and _______ because ____________________...

However, it is great the way it is. The beginning is interesting. Still, I wish that somewhere near the beginning you could establish a clear theme. Right now the theme seems to be "I have never lived up to those names," but I think you could add a sentence AFTER this sentence (i.e. before ending the paragraph) and let the reader know specifically what the MESSAGE of the essay is.

:-)
maxigerome - / 2  
Dec 10, 2010   #5
Rutgers and Small town girl

Actually it is a good draft as a starter. As you have requested advice and perspectives from your the contributors of this forum, I would like to lay out some to help you improve your draft.

1.Which program (s) that appeals to you and why?

2.What do you think is lacking in your Catholic/Christian education that Rutgers would supplement?

3.What do you think that program will bring to your long-term goal?

4.And what would you bring (special talent, interest, experience, etc.) to the program (s) in which you are interested?

Actually, Narothnee has produced a somewhat good essay. Although it seems to me she was lost in her thoughts. Her essay lacked coherence and cohesion.

Please review your essay in taking into account these questions!!!!

Good Luck!


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